2muchpain

I just talked to someone Ive known for a few months. He told me that I'm full of excuses and have a poor me attitude. A few weeks ago, my therapist told me the same thing. I called her back later that day to tell her how wrong she was, but when my friend told me the same thing, I'm beginning to think that maybe my therapist was right. This has come as a real surprise to me, since I never saw myself as someone that does this. I guess it became such a habit that I never saw it. The hypocracy of this is that I get upset when others when they come up with excuses for not doing something. I'll tell you right now, this truth really hurts.
My question is this. What have you guys done to deal with this? Like I said, it's such a habit, I don't know how to change it or think any different way.
Now that I know it's a problem, I have to do something about it, but I feel stuck. Any thoughts?

Dee74

Depends on what your making excuses about I guess

But if I keep putting something off, for no good reason, especially if it's something I know is in my own self benefit, the best thing for me to do is do it.

D

Marcher13

Gratitude has helped me 2much. Every day I post here in the Gratitude section, instead of concentrating on what I don't have I find every day that I am overwhelmed by what I do have. When I have gratitude I automatically move myself forward.

least

It comes down to taking responsibility for yourself, your actions. I'm still working on this concept myself so have no useful advice, other than just take responsibility for your life. Accept yourself and don't be ashamed of who you are. Just own up to responsibility. Start with little things. You can tackle the big things as you get better.

hj003

Change the feeling of the habit and you'll be fine. The excuses disappearing is just a bonus.

2muchpain

I have always taken responsibility for my actions. If I mess up, I take responsibility for it. I used to have all kinds of excuses as to why I drank or take drugs. It was always because of this person or that situation. I'm past that and know if I choose to drink, it was my choice and has nothing to do with anything else.
I don't know. Maybe I am not being clear here. Maybe posting this on this forum was a mistake and there really are no suggestions anybody here can offer me even with all the great people on this forum, because I know they would help if they could. Maybe the answer lies within me and something I have to work on. All I know is that it is going to be a huge hurdle to overcome. I am just at a loss now, and don't know where to start but I'll figure it out.

Dee74

well, I think the above neatly enscapsulates a problem, 2much.

I used to be very vague and obtuse about my problems or about wanting help...and then get mad that no one would or could help me.

I think you need to dish out a little more detail if you want specific suggestions.

D

silentrun

People tend to complain about others doing the same thing they do. Next time you are mad at someone go into a rant in your head and then apply everything to yourself. In my friend group it is called "OK POT!" That is a good friend that will tell you things you need to hear.
My advise would be not to worry about it too much just yet. It took me awhile until I could start working on those things. Try to be aware of it and think of another way to say things in the meantime. After all you know how annoying it is to be around people like that.

2muchpain

Thanks for you advise, but if it was that easy, there would be no problem. It has to do with a mindset, something that takes time and work to overcome (excuse, maybe). To me, based on what you said, if a person has a drinking problem, than just stop. We know it doesn't work that way. I regret even posting this problem. Maybe not ready for the responses I'm getting.

Notimetoloose

There is a profound expression that goes something like when we are ready to learn our teachers will be revealed..
Talk to your friend and the therapist and ask them to be more specific.
Then take time to think over the answers. Days, weeks before you respond, learned thinking and responses can become so automated..

Dee74

Right - if we're talking about a drinking problem I can give you more detail

I disagree - that's actually the basis of all recovery.

Some people can just stop.
Some people see their doctor and stop.
Some see there counsellor and stop.

We don't tend to see them here.

Some join SR and stop.
Some join groups like AA and stop.
Some go to rehab and stop.

Some have a mixture of some or all of those things.

It's all about whatever it takes for us to achieve escape velocity from the gravitational pull of our addiction.

The less you do, the more you'll stay 'in orbit'
The more you do, the better your chances are of breaking free.

I would say 'I can't just stop' qualifies as an excuse.

Everyone can stop - it's just a question of being prepared to find out what it takes, and being prepared to do that.

If this response annoys you, try and realise I'm not attacking you 2much - but I love poking addictive thinking right in the eye

D

2muchpain

okay, I'll be more specific. I don't have a sponser because I've had several and it didn't work out. I've tried to connect with people at AA meetings, but have been rejected so many times, I gave up (and I really tried for a long time). I don't do some things I think might be fun, but I would be going alone, and would feel out of place. I avoid relationships because of the disappointment I've had in the past. I am not as willing as I've been in the to help people, because I've been burned so many times before and their unwillingness to help me when I need it. Frankly, I avoid people just because.......

2muchpain

Dee74
You didn't annoy me at all, and always appreciate your feedback. The point of my post was to do exactly what you said, being prepared to find out what it takes, and being prepared to do that. The point of my post was to get advise from others who have dealt with this and to find out what it takes to work on this problem, and putting it into practice to deal with it.

Dee74

There seem to be a lot of burnt bridges here tho?
so where to now? SMART or another face to face group? AVRT? rehab?

If I say everyone is capable of recovery, and someone else says I've tried everything, one of us must be wrong.


D

tomsteve

more excuses:
Thanks for you advise, but if it was that easy, there would be no problem.
I don't do some things I think might be fun, but I would be going alone, and would feel out of place.
I am not as willing as I've been in the to help people, because I've been burned so many times before and their unwillingness to help me when I need it.


what to do about it:
get to meetings. go to different meetigs. don't listening for differences and start listening for similarities. mention you want a sponsor and are willing to go to any lengths. read the big book and do what it says.
what it took?
I had to want what the program had to offer. I found out what the program had to offer by reading the big book over and over and listening at meetings.
I had to be willing to go to any lengths.
a hard a** sponsor that called me on my BS, keptycallin me on my BS until I saw it, then guided me though the steps to find the root cause of my problems, then the solution.
honesty( which my sponsor helped me tremendously with by callin me on my BS), openmindedness( shuttin up and listening), and willingness(H.O.W. it works), plus footwork on my part.

2muchpain

Dee74

I have to admit I haven't spent much time looking into other programs to work on recovery. Been lazy that way. And I have "no excuse" for not doing that. Thanks

tomsteve

I think that has to do with the trying part. those that do, whichever recovery method, seem to get sober.

jdooner

This is some of the best advice I have heard regarding recovery. Nice work Dee!

ScottFromWI

It all boils down to honesty in my opinion 2much. And most importantly honesty to yourself. I'll give you a specific example, and I'm asking you to answer to yourself here. Can you honestly say to yourself that you did everything you possibly could to make AA work? Can you honestly tell yourself that the reason you never found a sponsor that worked out had nothing to do with your unwillingness? Again, you don't need to answer here publicly. And I only used those examples because you mentioned them.

That's what I mean by being brutally honest with yourself.

PurpleKnight

The best way to silence the critics is to show them they are wrong through actions, there's loads of stories of people getting Sober and proving the doubts that their friends/family had about their life.

I personally had some people that commented on my drinking and thought I'd never change, when I got Sober, those opinions still were in the back of my mind, but I didn't worry about them too much, got on with changing my life and now those family members don't comment in a negative way anymore!!