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New and confused

Old 06-19-2014, 03:11 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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New and confused

I'm new to this forum. I come to this site for support and advice, as I'm currently feeling pretty helpless. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. 2 months into our relationship I found out he had an addiction to heroin, a total surprise to me... but also an explanation to odd behavior that I had seen over the course of those last few months. I found out about his addiction and relapse only after I found foils with a burned substance on it and point blank asked him what it was. I asked many questions, as I'm pretty clueless to drugs and addiction. he told me that this was something he had been dealing with for the past year and he had gone to a treatment center previously ( about 4 months before we met). At this point, not knowing what I was getting myself into and blind to love, I decided to stick by his side and be supportive so long as he was trying to stay clean. he decided at this point with his current job that the best route for him would be to go cold turkey. That caused a lot of ups and downs of withdrawal and using for about a month. It also created a lot of trust and codependency issues in out relationship.
Ultimately, with the support of me and his family, we realized that he couldn't do this on his own. I stayed by his side for a month long treatment program 2 hours away. I also attended a 3 day intensive family program that was offered at the treatment center. I've educated myself through him, this 3 day intensive program and also through online research. After seeing how much progress and success he made in treatment, I had thought that this nightmare was behind us. Since he's been out of treatment he's been living in an oxford house nearby. A little over a month since being out of treatment, he dropped a bombshell on me the other day. Suspecting, I asked him if he's doing drugs again. He admitted he was smoking heroin again for the past few weeks. I have experienced just about every emotion over the past few days. He says he's going to get clean, but at this point I don't know what to believe or even if his addiction will ever get under control. After getting out of treatment I told him if he used again I would be gone... And yet here i am again sticking by his side, going against my word. I love him so much and despite this drug addiction, I can see so much potential of what I love about him. I am embarrassed to tell my parents, (who are my support system) that the man I love has an addiction to heroin. I guess I just need advice and/or supportive words, as I'm pretty emotionally drained at this point and feel like if I can't trust someone who claims to love me as much as anybody else in this world does, then who can I trust?
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Old 06-19-2014, 07:29 PM
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Hi JKS.

In healthy relationships, we come to love a person because of the potential we see in them as human beings. We then love them, and it is through our love that the other is able to approach, achieve and sometimes supercede what we perceived as their potential. In this way, our love for them grows. It's the same way with our own sense of self worth.

To the extent that the other person derails, postpones or destroys their potential, love wanes in healthy relationships. This is described in such thoughts as, "She's not the person I thought she was." This is not the same as accepting or not the person as he or she is. We can only truly come to know someone after having spent a great deal of time with them, through good times and bad. Depending on the outcome of these encounters, our love either grows or dissipates, again, in healthy relationships.

Only you know what and how much you're willing to tolerate, though not absolutely. You may find yourself checking out of the relationship as a means of getting on with your own life, and you may also find yourself staying until what may be the bitter end, even though this may not be something you'd even consider at this moment.

Addicts and alcoholics do benefit from love and support, but those things alone are rarely enough to help someone stay clean and sober. It's all up to him, regardless of how much he may think or say he loves. In the throes of addiction, there is nothing as important as continuing to drink or to use. And whatever comes in second place is very far behind.
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Old 06-19-2014, 08:01 PM
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Originally Posted by EndGameNYC View Post

Addicts and alcoholics do benefit from love and support, but those things alone are rarely enough to help someone stay clean and sober. It's all up to him, regardless of how much he may think or say he loves. In the throes of addiction, there is nothing as important as continuing to drink or to use. And whatever comes in second place is very far behind.
tnx egnyc, just wanted to see this part again by itself
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Old 06-19-2014, 08:27 PM
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I'm sorry you are going through this. It is very draining to be in a relationship with an addict. I also understand that you are embarrassed to tell your parents. That happened to me. I'm an alcoholic and my husband is an addict/alcoholic. Been through a lot of ups and downs over the years. When he is clean and sober it's good but if he relapses I have to start relying on my parents more and it is embarrassing. The questions about why I'm still in the relationship. Was all my support for nothing? Etc., etc. It might help just to lay it all out for your parents. It helped me to talk about things very matter of fact.

An addict or alcoholic does benefit from support as the earlier posters wrote. But support can take many forms. My husband didn't get sober until I forced him to move out of the house. For me I gave and gave but until I said "honey, I love you but I just can't give anymore" Did anything change. He had to want it for himself. We also have two young children and I have to look out myself so I can look out for them.

Have you looked at the SR forum for family and friends of substance abusers? I initially came on SR for support in dealing with my feelings bout my husband and the people on that thread are knowledgeable and very supportive.

Good luck.
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