Lost a dear friend today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Southeast USA
Posts: 202
Lost a dear friend today
My best friend died this morning. He had a long struggle with drugs and was found dead with a needle in his arm. I feel so numb inside right now. I can't really even process the fact that if I dial his number that he's not going to pick up, or ever pick up again. He's the one who gave me the nick name big teddy that I use on these forums. He's the one who I could always tell my problems to and know he would listen and give me support and advice. Tell those you care about that you love them. I'm going to miss you my brother.
"Fare you well, fare you well. I love you more than words can tell. Listen to the river sing sweet songs to rock my soul."
- Robert Hunter/Jerry Garcia
"Fare you well, fare you well. I love you more than words can tell. Listen to the river sing sweet songs to rock my soul."
- Robert Hunter/Jerry Garcia
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
I empathize with you, Teddy. My Uncle Mark killed himself a few weeks ago. I still have a text message from him on my phone. I almost texted him a pic this evening. A normal conversation with my Mom over the phone turned into her trying to understand why he did all the things he did before his suicide and speculating that if he'd been on his meds, he could have survived his partner's death.
Death sucks. Death that is the result of someone's addiction or mental illness is effing awful. I kinda have this survivor's guilt because i'm bipolar, like my Uncle. I try not to think about that too much but it comes up with my Mom. I'm afraid that she's afraid that i'll go off my meds and kill myself one day.
What's helped me is to not get bogged down in the woulda, shoulda, coulda's. I'm staying connected to my sober friends and i'm taking every opportunity to be of service to people. It makes me feel better and i feel like i'm honoring what my Uncle would have wished for me in my life.
I know the hole eventually becomes smaller and shallower. I've lost grandparents and my father-in-law and the pain of their passing has eased over the years. I'm afraid this death will always be a bit more raw because it was suicide. Same with an overdose. My Grandma died surrounded by loved ones. Same with Grandpa. Parker died suddenly after a long struggle with cancer (he lived far beyond the predictions we were given). Uncle Mark...he died alone, grieving and unable to reach out to anyone because of his illness. He and my Mom had been close. He could have called her or my sister or me or a lot of other people who loved him. But he didn't. He jumped. I feel like the pain he felt right then didn't go away. Instead, it got passed on and dispersed to the people who loved him.
The pain will ease and the strange hole will get smaller but it's okay to feel this way right now. It's normal and it's human. I'll be thinking about you and your friend. Be well. *hug*
Death sucks. Death that is the result of someone's addiction or mental illness is effing awful. I kinda have this survivor's guilt because i'm bipolar, like my Uncle. I try not to think about that too much but it comes up with my Mom. I'm afraid that she's afraid that i'll go off my meds and kill myself one day.
What's helped me is to not get bogged down in the woulda, shoulda, coulda's. I'm staying connected to my sober friends and i'm taking every opportunity to be of service to people. It makes me feel better and i feel like i'm honoring what my Uncle would have wished for me in my life.
I know the hole eventually becomes smaller and shallower. I've lost grandparents and my father-in-law and the pain of their passing has eased over the years. I'm afraid this death will always be a bit more raw because it was suicide. Same with an overdose. My Grandma died surrounded by loved ones. Same with Grandpa. Parker died suddenly after a long struggle with cancer (he lived far beyond the predictions we were given). Uncle Mark...he died alone, grieving and unable to reach out to anyone because of his illness. He and my Mom had been close. He could have called her or my sister or me or a lot of other people who loved him. But he didn't. He jumped. I feel like the pain he felt right then didn't go away. Instead, it got passed on and dispersed to the people who loved him.
The pain will ease and the strange hole will get smaller but it's okay to feel this way right now. It's normal and it's human. I'll be thinking about you and your friend. Be well. *hug*
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by BigTeddy 
My best friend died this morning. He had a long struggle with drugs and was found dead with a needle in his arm.
Please take good care of yourself in these trying times. He would want that for you.
Mountainman
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Southeast USA
Posts: 202
Thanks everyone for the kind words. I can't stop thinking about what ifs and feeling a deep sense of guilt that I couldn't do more for him. I just pray that if any good can come from his untimely passing, it's that people get the message that your next shot, line, or drink could so easily be your last. I'm not going to drink or use today. I've got 10 months sober, and I'm not going to cherish the memory of my departed friend, by throwing my sobriety out the window.
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