forabetterlife

Wow gracielou and fleurstyle, both of your stories are so much like mine, it's almost eerie. I had the abusive marriage full of drinking, the kids, and the divorce. Then a boyfriend I loved and felt love from him like I never felt before. It didn't take long before he realized that my drinking was a problem. I too tried to quit, but for him, not me, so it didn't work. We broke up and I was relieved to drink all I wanted. How sad. But I missed him and still do. Then, like Gracie, my next relationship was a bigger drinker than me, so I thought I hit the jackpot. It was that relationship that made me see where I was headed if I didn't stop. I am still struggling, but a far cry from where I was. I am not in a relationship now, still in love with the man I gave up for alcohol. Who knows if that will work out, but I know that with him or without him, my life will only go downhill if drinking is an option.
Life is so much better without alcohol, but it requires a daily commitment and an acceptance that we are past the point if being normal drinkers, and it will never come back. Despite how much our addiction tells us otherwise.
Whatever you do.. AA, recovery books, sr, or a combination, I am with you on this journey and I already know that it is a much better, more fulfilling life, but we have to stick with it every day.
Good luck and hugs to you..

fleurstyle

I am sitting in my car on my lunch hour reading all of your replies out loud over and over. Today is tough for me and last night I was on edge after work when I got home for no reason. My boyfriend was there for me and happy to see me....but I still felt on edge. Tonight after work I have a work event where there is plenty Of alcohol that I will turn down. I am heading in there tonight ready for the "why are you not drinking?" Comments. Remember....I was the "fun" one at these before and I really enjoyed that glass of wine after work. It's funny how you really notice how much alcohol is such a huge part of our society when you are not partaking. I don't want to look back ten years from now and wish i would have taken this head on.

I thank you all for your positive input on AA meetings. I am feeling a little better about going...

Nuudawn

I had to attend a drinking work event 3 days into sobriety. I wasn't feeling strong...and I DIDN'T want to get into it.
I used the ole "anti biotics" ruse. I too was the previous "party girl"...

Even then...people pushed and said..."well, one ain't going to hurt".

I somewhat truthfully said "well, there ain't much point in one now anyway. Why bother". They shrugged and said..."ya, guess you're right".

All the best with it. Get out of there if it gets too much...

fleurstyle

I'll let you know how it goes....I want to be proud of myself!!

fleurstyle

I made it through my event last night and noticed something.....a lot of people are not drinking...and if they are i observed that a lot of them are just sipping it the entire night and dont even finish. I never did that. Again im asking myself....why cant i be one of those social drinkers. Either way.....i did good

GracieLou

I can’t be a social drinker either. In the beginning I drank in social situations and I thought they were the same thing. They are not.

Once the social was over I went home and drank more. Once I got to the point that I could not trust myself out drinking I just drank at home.

Once I was comfortable with that then I went on to drinking in the morning on the weekends. I mean who was going to see me. I didn’t have to hide the amount I drank anymore. I got what I always wanted, to be left alone to drink and it took two short years before I fell over the edge into full blown misery and alcoholism. The person that stated up and down for years that she was a functioning alcoholic was barely functioning.

It is progressive. It does not get better as long as we continue to drink.

Soberpotamus

There's a euphoria that alcoholics and problem drinkers experience (it's a rush of neurotransmitters in the brain, where we have a larger release of the feel good neurotransmitters) that doesn't seem to happen to the normal drinkers. I've talked at length with people who aren't teetotalers to try and get an understanding of what they actually experience when they drink. They seem to feel relaxed, sedated, warm, and sleepy... then quickly begin to feel the negative aspects long before we do.

It helps me to realize that we simply experience alcohol differently due to genetics, neural wiring, repeated use, etc. So, I am not envious that they can drink normally, because they also don't feel that euphoria that caused me to keep drinking. That is why they can take it or leave it.

fleurstyle

GracieLou I would do that too. I would have drinks at the event and then drink more when I got home and fall asleep on the couch...waking up at 3am in my clothes.
i have the urge to drink right when I get home from work. That is the hardest time. I want a glass of wine. My boyfriend is home to greet me with open arms and after sitting with him and going on with other things I slowly start to forget about it. I'm thankful he's here.

Lola23

Wow, I could have written that. It literally brings tears to my eyes b/c I just recently understood that others were going through a similar thing as me and were able to come out strong on the other side. Before that, I thought I was just alone and really didn't believe that change was possible. Thanks for sharing GracieLou.

fleurstyle - nice work getting through the event!

fleurstyle

Thanks Lola- my boyfriend just brought up going to the beach in a couple weeks...where we would bar hop and have mimosas at brunch and wine at dinner....I can't imagine going and not having my mimosa and my wine and my cocktails because we DID have fun in those same places together doing those things....sometimes....other and most times it turned into a huge fight like no other. Again I question myself....why can I TRY to have one mimosa with brunch and one glass of wine at dinner? It is so hard for me to accept. I started to tear up over it....over missing that when I go......ugh.

Nuudawn

Do you really want just one though? Yesterday...when I drank...I was only going to have the one beer to mix with the gravol...for sleep.
I had the one beer..and a bottle of wine plus a little bit more.

I have no off button I can rely on. Yes..it could be one mimosa...but it likely won't. And what would one mimosa do for you anyway?

fleurstyle

No I don't want just one....but I want to try to see if I can have just one....normally I want 3 or 4 at one bar....go have cocktails after that and then wine after glass of wine later. I just want to try.....I know it's not beat and I'm kidding myself I'm sure.....

scoots

I relate to what you are saying a lot. I think it is hard to get drinking under control when we think about the "fun" times drinking and also when we haven't had any horrible consequences. I too spent the past 10 years with my husband partying every night. I started to feel like I deserved a drink for just about anything. The worst part was that after my daughter was born 5 years ago i started working part time and my well-deserved "after work drink" changed to noon! And of course i just kept drinking all day.

I started thinking that i needed to change my drinking habits about a year ago. I constantly think about how lucky i am i haven't hurt anyone or gotten a DUI and how my luck will run out soon. The smart part of my brain tells me that alcohol is creating fights with my husband, making me a lazy mom, putting my kids at risk every day. I thought I just needed to control it but it was WAY too enjoyable to give up forever. I thought it would be easy.. I tried for a year to drink less and drink responsibly. I failed over and over and over and over. I think your mindset has to just change to the point that you KNOW that you are an alcoholic. I have recently just admitted this to myself and it has really changed everything. When you keep that piece of you alive that feels like you can control it then sobriety is very difficult to achieve (for me anyways). I hope I can keep this mindset. I have found it very helpful to take it one day at a time and to make sure i just wake up every morning and promise that i will not drink today. dwelling on the future and the things you "think" you will miss out on has always been the biggest setup to failure for me.

fleurstyle

Thank you scoots.....it has been helping me to think of this as a one day at a time thing and not a life long thing. I am hoping that which each day it will get easier and easier and one day I won't even think about drinking or want it....

KAD

I remember being able to take it or leave it. Those days are gone forever. Alcohol used to just be something that accompanied certain events. Over time, it became the event.

fleurstyle

It's SO hard to get used to NOT drinking on my weekends....it's my weekend right now. I hope this passes.....

Lola23

I agree. That part has been tough for me as well. No real words of advice, just wanted to say I feel ya.

fleurstyle

I am going to my first AA meeting on Sunday.....im nervous but I am committed to at least trying.....

Coldfusion

AA meetings and plenty of time at SoberRecovery are what keep me sober. I need to be reminded of why I quit drinking, and learn about what keeps me sober.

fleurstyle

I'm so nervous about going to AA tomorrow. I keep reading that it can be very religious and that's not me. I do not like anything pushed on me. Thinking I might back out.....but maybe I should at least try.....