Serotonin

I believe I did. This is not easy to talk about. Without going into details I attempted to assault someone dear to me in front of my 21 month old son last Friday. It scared both of them pretty bad and put me in a bad place with my family. I haven't drank or smoked marijuana since. I'm lucky this person has forgiven me and my son is not afraid of his father.

I'm 34 and for half my life I have been drinking. Since my 20's I have been drunk almost every day with a few dry spells. The longest being 4 1/2 months after my ex gf left me 5 years ago, and the second longest being 18 days last summer. During my first sober stretch I developed myofascial pain syndrome, which is a muscular problem that cause chronic pain. I was so devastated by losing the love of my life I attempted to get sober for her, not myself. Now I have this pain problem as well as being an addict. This time I want to be sober not only for my son and his mother, but for ME.

Today I'm on my 5th day free of substance abuse and have a heavy heart. I know if I want to be the father my son deserves I have to stop this. I am going to AA and am hoping medicade will kick in soon so I can get counsoling that I desperately need to help recover from all the pain I have been surpressing with substance abuse over the years.

I have an appointment to get trigger point injections in my back tomorrow to hopefully relieve some physicaly pain in my back and I have been approved for financial assistance for a shoulder injury that has gone untreated for 6 months.

Withdrawl wise, I'm over the shakes and sweats, but reality and depression are hitting me like a freight train. This morning I experienced for the first time what I think was sleep paralysis and terrifying nightmares. It was like nothing I have ever experienced. Like I was awake but asleep and could not move but my eyes were dry as they were open and I was out of breath. Is this a withdrawal symptom?

Sorry for the typos. I am having a hard time spelling right now. I am working on getting the help I need and going to AA for now. This will be a life long battle.

Thanks.

Soberpotamus

"Rock bottom" is a myth, in my opinion. There's always the possibility of a new rock bottom. And there's also death as a rock bottom.

I quit drinking finally because I wanted to. I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to be a drunk.

Had I experienced a rock bottom in the sense of having enough? Sure. I didn't want anymore of that life.

Do I give a flying flip about what anyone or any program deems "rock bottom" for me? Nope.

There's no magical line to cross over. There's more likely a series of events, consequences, behaviors, and experiences that add up over time that lead a person to decide to quit. My opinion.

Congrats to you for deciding you've had enough... don't give up even if you do relapse. Keep trying. And not sure about the sleep paralysis thing. Never experienced it.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Serotonin. Glad you are finally seeking some help, addicion can and will take away everything eventually if we let it. Kudos for recognizing that and taking action.

Regarding the withdrawal symptoms, they can run the gamut - and can be potentially dangerous so make sure someone is aware you are quitting in case you need assistance.

FreeOwl

until we're dead.... we can always fall further.

our bottom is where we decide it is.

I'm glad you're choosing this to be yours.

Welcome, we're here for you. You can do this.

KAD

I agree with SoberJennie on this one. If the "bottom" is that point at which you decide you've had enough and are ready to make lasting changes, then OK you can call that the bottom. The only true bottom is death. One can always sink a little lower on the way to that.

Great job on making it to day 5 (I'm on day 6). It's going to take a consistent effort and commitment to stay sober. It's as simple as that. How you choose to do it is up to you, but please don't just try to ignore it and hope it goes away. It won't. You have to be vigilant. You have to work at it. Best wishes. You can make it.

As far as some of the symptoms you are experiencing, a visit to your doctor wouldn't be a bad idea.

Serotonin

That pretty much sums up my definition of rock bottom I guess. I want help. I know I can't do this on my own. I have serious issues I have been dealing with since childhood. I'm desperate for help dealing with my issues. AA is all I have and I'm not a huge fan of the 12 steps and I'm Atheist so I don't see myself working the program, but for now it's a place to let my voice be heard and a place to listen. Thanks

tomsteve

I also believe bottom is death. cant get any lower than that.
I didn't get there, but I saw it. actually, it came up and smacked me across the head. that's when I went to AA.
been the greatest blessing in my life.

getting sober was a battle, but life since hasn't been. yup, some trudging to do here and there,but not a battle.

Geeky

"rock bottom" for me wasn`t what most would expect, I have Many things that i call back on as being so bad! that I use them as a reminder why I don`t drink, but the rock bottom was my last drink (that i actually enjoyed oddly enough), my last bottle of brandy was met with a feeling like "oh no, not Again!, I`m never going to escape this", nothing bad had happened, I wasn`t sick, no one got hurt, and in every way it was a pleasant drink...
Apart from that feeling!, and that feeling of dispair was all it took.
not had a drink since

now it`s still early days for me yet compared to others, but I know in my heart of hearts that Sober is Way cooler now that I`v finaly given it a chance so I can see for myself.
someone left the prison door open for a sec, and i`m making a run for it

Aellyce

I agree with everyone that the so called "bottom" is where we choose it to be except when death makes the choice.

I did not quit drinking in my worst phase, not even in the second worse. I was actually in a much better place when I finally decided to stop and give recovery a chance compared with many periods in previous years.

Congrats, Serotonin, on making your decision and the days sober. Sleep paralysis is something I've experienced with varying frequency since my teens. I really got used to it, it does not frighten me anymore. You can learn to relax and slide into fully asleep, it's much better than fighting it. It will most likely clear up for you though with continued abstinence, along with the bad dreams; it's not rare during withdrawal for people.

Good idea about the meetings. Hang in there!

Nowsthetime

The good old "rock bottom"... Oh how many times have I visited that spot. Ending up in the hospital, getting hurt, DUI, being nasty blacking out, and even being raped and just knowing it because I was bleeding badly from body parts that shouldn't bleed... That was HORRIBLE!!! The worst part is that I blamed myself. I didn't know if it was because I got so wasted or if I got ruffied. (Even THAT was not enough to make me quit and it actually made me go over the edge with my alcohol problem.)

The good thing is that my last "rock bottom" was what finally pushed me to quit. It really wasn't the worse one, but for some reason is what finally made stop. I guess I was finally ready. Before, I planned to do it for my husband, didn't work, it was only when I decided to do it for me (to be able to be the mom I want to be) that it clicked. Use this fight to remind yourself of what booze does to you and remember that we are all rooting for you.

Keep us posted.

L

ultradad

Yes, I know without a doubt I hit my rock bottom, could I still fall further if I choose to drink again, absolutely! But, I'm doing everything in order not to let that happen again!

As for AA, it saved my life! I wen't in an agnostic, but have found my higher power...it doesn't matter if you're an atheist or not. The 12 steps are AA, don't do your self an injustice and not give it your all! Do the work and you'll NEVER have to feel this way again!

As I was told early on: The program of AA is not for those who want it or even for those who need it, the program of AA is for those who are willing to do the work! Do the work my friend!

Congrats on 5 days sober! I'm pulling for you!

PurpleKnight

I wasn't far away from progressing into ruining everything in my life, I made the decision before that happened for the better!!

Great job on Day 5!! Keep pushing through!!

GracieLou

I have had this happen and it is indeed scary. I was also awake but could not move. It felt like quite a long time went by but I am sure it was only five or ten seconds. I was looking at my hand that was by my face and suddenly my fingers twitched and then I came out of it. Weird and frightening.

This was much like my bottom. It was an emotional bottom. I just could not continue. I gave up. I was done. I had nothing left in me to continue living the way I was living. I did not know how to live any other way and that is when I called AA. I had gone before ten years earlier, stayed sober five months and went back to drinking.

This time there was no going back. Once I surrendered the obsession to drink was lifted.

The AA program, the steps and the fellowship have taught me how to live. I had no idea before, I just drank everything and everybody away. I drank straight through most of my life.

I drank for 26 years, much the same way you did. I drank everyday other than the 5 months and an occasional day here and there only because I was too sick from drinking to drink.

I know I have another drunk in me but I do not have another recovery.

Serotonin

I'm too exhausted and have wasted too much time to live that way any longer. I'm tired of running from my demons. I'm tired of hurting myself and those I love.

GracieLou

Sounds like bottom to me!

NoAlcohol

Rock bottom is a difficult thing to objectively determine. I know, personally, I probably hit 100 "rock bottoms" if I assessed things from another person's point of view. I don't think it's necessary to wake up one morning and decide that you have hit rock bottom before you can choose to recover.

Nonsensical

The bottom to each of our alcohol/addiction problems is wherever we decide it will be. For me, I finally got to the point where I knew that if I kept drinking things would continue to get worse - and I was more afraid of things getting worse than I was of not getting drunk. That point of pain differs for each of us. I suffered, but compared to some of the stories I have read on this forum I feel like I was lucky.

At the time I quit I was just looking to arrest the ever increasing pain my drinking was causing. To my delight I found something I had not expected to find - joy.

The question now is how far up to go.

You. Can. Do. This.

Johnsonsober22

Seretonin, when you hit "rock bottom" the is only one way to go and that's up......
Withdrawals are never fun, and are more than just shakes and sweating. Just remember each day gets a little better, you feel stronger and capable... Good luck...

Addmik19

Sleep paralysis was definitely a hardcore withdrawal for me. It went on for 3 weeks until it became normal. Once you realize it's not real it becomes kinda fun.

SoberCAH

My bottom was thinking I was going to lose what I valued most - in my case, my career.

I finally admitted defeat and decided that, even though I really didn't want to give up alcohol and I sure didn't know how to do it, it was probably better than losing my career.

For me, though, it was the last option I had.