Lets talk about sex baby!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 462
Lets talk about sex baby!
So I'm 16 days sober and have not had sex with my husband. I'm so used to having sex while buzzed or drunk! I feel inhibited and insecure. I expressed this to my husband and he was very reassuring and supportive but I am generally the initiator and since I'm not initiating we haven't done it! Anyone else go through this?!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: California
Posts: 130
I got myself in more trouble while drinking, since I'm not married, I just slept with Radom man, until I got raped... Sober sex it better... Give it some time, Rome wasn't build in one day.... You say you husband is understanding and supportive, is there anything you can do to yourself to make you feel more secure!!!! Alcohol make us believe we can fly, when we actually are just falling down. Congrats on the 16 days......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I agree with joyfullysober completely. I definitely felt a lot more inhibited when I first got sober. (and I am monogamously married to be college sweetheart for many years.) Like all things with sobriety, sex changes, too,. The changes are mostly good, but different. 
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Originally Posted by Hereandnow2 
So I'm 16 days sober and have not had sex with my husband. I'm so used to having sex while buzzed or drunk! I feel inhibited and insecure. I expressed this to my husband and he was very reassuring and supportive but I am generally the initiator and since I'm not initiating we haven't done it! Anyone else go through this?!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
google "sex in sobriety" or "sex in recovery", etc... there's a lot out there.
I got a book on the issue that was pretty good - can't recall the name. I'll try to dig it up.
Bottom line is this; sex and intimacy are deeply personal and trigger our most core anxieties, fears, and self-issues. When we became so accustomed to having the crutch of alcohol with us for most of our sexual lives, we created deeply-ingrained habits. Now - we come out of that haze and find that in some ways it's like we're learning to have sex all over again.... fumbling, self-conscious teenagers. Only now it's worse because we have this lifetime of images and expectations that we can 'compare' ourselves to.
Be patient with yourself and communicate about it. It's good you shared it with your husband. Keep sharing it, don't feel BAD about those feelings.... don't use 'excuses'... just reassure him (and yourself) that this is a totally normal phase of recovery and that ultimately, sex is going to be a deeper, more meaningful and intimate experience than ever before once you've gotten past it.
I got a book on the issue that was pretty good - can't recall the name. I'll try to dig it up.
Bottom line is this; sex and intimacy are deeply personal and trigger our most core anxieties, fears, and self-issues. When we became so accustomed to having the crutch of alcohol with us for most of our sexual lives, we created deeply-ingrained habits. Now - we come out of that haze and find that in some ways it's like we're learning to have sex all over again.... fumbling, self-conscious teenagers. Only now it's worse because we have this lifetime of images and expectations that we can 'compare' ourselves to.
Be patient with yourself and communicate about it. It's good you shared it with your husband. Keep sharing it, don't feel BAD about those feelings.... don't use 'excuses'... just reassure him (and yourself) that this is a totally normal phase of recovery and that ultimately, sex is going to be a deeper, more meaningful and intimate experience than ever before once you've gotten past it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
I think when drinking sex is a lot more physical than emotional. When sober it becomes a lot more emotional than physical. Like most things, when we get sober, this takes a little getting used to. And time.
I didn't experience a lack of interested in sex, but I had all kinds of other crazy things going on that scared the crap out of me. They sorted themselves out eventually. The fact that your husband is supportive is invaluable.
Don't know if you have any kind of recovery program in place, but as far as I'm concerned that's absolutely essential. Things get better and we heal, but that generally isn't the case if we're not actively doing something to change the person we were that drank alcoholically. I do believe these things have more potential to get worse actually, if we're not involved in some sort of healing process.
AA and the 12 steps were my 2 main tools, and together they turned my life around completely. Others find other ways. I'm kind of happy that when I got sober I had no other options to choose from. No choice but to dive in completely.
I didn't experience a lack of interested in sex, but I had all kinds of other crazy things going on that scared the crap out of me. They sorted themselves out eventually. The fact that your husband is supportive is invaluable.
Don't know if you have any kind of recovery program in place, but as far as I'm concerned that's absolutely essential. Things get better and we heal, but that generally isn't the case if we're not actively doing something to change the person we were that drank alcoholically. I do believe these things have more potential to get worse actually, if we're not involved in some sort of healing process.
AA and the 12 steps were my 2 main tools, and together they turned my life around completely. Others find other ways. I'm kind of happy that when I got sober I had no other options to choose from. No choice but to dive in completely.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Sex issues are a big challenge for me at the moment- Step 1,2,3 territory. In addition to her alcohol recovery she's being a lot more honest about the stuff that goes back a while between us, she's gone sexually dormant for a while now. Being a codie that tends to be a trigger for me so keeping in a recovery mindset and letting go of the frustration & desire is the challenge. Since I've been getting in shape I certainly want it more.
Before last week it had been 8 months since last time we had sex, I do appreciate her being inclined to do it because that was a <long> haul. I don't know how long this next interval will be. She's having big-time insomnia problems now and we're having difficulty getting the perscription thru insurance.. so sleep problems are on top of the issues. I find I have to avoid topics, movies, fantasies etc which tend to increase desire and make staying on acceptance & not leaving the issues where I left them more difficult.
Not fun. The fear is of course that I'm having sex for the last few times and that will be it- either celibacy or divorce and given the circumstances (young child in the house etc) I just can't see lack of sex as sufficient justification for separation.
And man oh man are the "if only she woulds..." and martrydom big traps.
thanks for listening...
Before last week it had been 8 months since last time we had sex, I do appreciate her being inclined to do it because that was a <long> haul. I don't know how long this next interval will be. She's having big-time insomnia problems now and we're having difficulty getting the perscription thru insurance.. so sleep problems are on top of the issues. I find I have to avoid topics, movies, fantasies etc which tend to increase desire and make staying on acceptance & not leaving the issues where I left them more difficult.
Not fun. The fear is of course that I'm having sex for the last few times and that will be it- either celibacy or divorce and given the circumstances (young child in the house etc) I just can't see lack of sex as sufficient justification for separation.
And man oh man are the "if only she woulds..." and martrydom big traps.
thanks for listening...
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 165
I totally understand those feelings of inhibition and insecurity. My situation was definitely different, I was having sex as a means of supporting my drug use and was almost always high on one substance or another. I had to be to do what I was doing.
When I made the transition to being clean and having a monogamous, intimate relationship I was terrified. Suddenly I had to actually be present during sex, had to experience the feelings of worrying about how I looked and if I was doing things right and if he was enjoying everything. The buffer was gone. It took me a few weeks to start feeling comfortable with sober sex and then I actually started to enjoy it.
It's great that your husband is being understanding and supportive. My boyfriend was less than patient and pretty much told me to get over it. (he's not my bf anymore). I think what you're going through makes total sense and that you'll eventually be able to make the transition and really appreciate sex in a new way. Good luck!
When I made the transition to being clean and having a monogamous, intimate relationship I was terrified. Suddenly I had to actually be present during sex, had to experience the feelings of worrying about how I looked and if I was doing things right and if he was enjoying everything. The buffer was gone. It took me a few weeks to start feeling comfortable with sober sex and then I actually started to enjoy it.
It's great that your husband is being understanding and supportive. My boyfriend was less than patient and pretty much told me to get over it. (he's not my bf anymore). I think what you're going through makes total sense and that you'll eventually be able to make the transition and really appreciate sex in a new way. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi Hereandnow,
As you can see from most of these responses, you are absolutely not alone and what you are experiencing is the norm for many people after quitting drinking or drugging. Part of the mechanism is that when we are in active addiction, our brain is used to operating the reward pathway having our substance of choice on board. It needs to adjust and learn how to do without after the substance is out of the equation. It takes a while for naturally rewarding things and desires to be satisfying again. Sometimes it's also very confusing.
I personally did not have the loss of desire problem after quitting, more the opposite, I think because I was pretty depressed while drinking. The very definition of anhedonia is the lack of desire for naturally pleasant things, and/or the lack of experiencing them as pleasing. Many people get a bit depressed after quitting for a while but it usually adjusts itself relatively fast.
I have also been experiencing confusion in this area, which in my case is quite some change and dynamic in what/who I find attractive. I even got confused about my sexual orientation and preferences, because it feels different from when drinking. Got to sort this out You might also find later that your interests change a bit in what kinds of things and activities are appealing to you. Great time to experiment with novelty!
So, don't worry about this, give yourself time and focus on other aspects of your recovery. Like others said, it's great that your husband is understanding.
As you can see from most of these responses, you are absolutely not alone and what you are experiencing is the norm for many people after quitting drinking or drugging. Part of the mechanism is that when we are in active addiction, our brain is used to operating the reward pathway having our substance of choice on board. It needs to adjust and learn how to do without after the substance is out of the equation. It takes a while for naturally rewarding things and desires to be satisfying again. Sometimes it's also very confusing.
I personally did not have the loss of desire problem after quitting, more the opposite, I think because I was pretty depressed while drinking. The very definition of anhedonia is the lack of desire for naturally pleasant things, and/or the lack of experiencing them as pleasing. Many people get a bit depressed after quitting for a while but it usually adjusts itself relatively fast.
I have also been experiencing confusion in this area, which in my case is quite some change and dynamic in what/who I find attractive. I even got confused about my sexual orientation and preferences, because it feels different from when drinking. Got to sort this out
You might also find later that your interests change a bit in what kinds of things and activities are appealing to you. Great time to experiment with novelty!So, don't worry about this, give yourself time and focus on other aspects of your recovery. Like others said, it's great that your husband is understanding.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
