please help me understand (im new)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1
please help me understand (im new)
Hi my name is Laura and im new here. I just need to get my feelings out there, so here goes.
I was in a relationship with a chronic alcoholic for a year and a half. his name was Steven and I loved him dearly. He was great with my 2 kids and we had this instant connection, he moved in after 3 days (huge mistake)
to cut a long story short I noticed quite quickly that he drank a lot, yet when I asked if there was an isue he said no, finally after 5 months he admitted it, but told me he was going to get better, a hope I clung onto for a long time. things got gradually worse. He was drinking more, we could never go out without him falling asleep, everything was my fault, he verbally and physically abused me, stole all my confidence, didn’t work, I paid for verything, he had lost his driving licence through drink so I ran him everywhere, basically gave him everything I could, until it just got too much. I sent him packing back to his mums but I always gave in and he came back, but now he has moved on and met someone else, and im heartbroken. I know in my mind it wasn’t a good relationship to be in but I cant forget how good it was when it was good. why do I feel this way?
I think about him contantly and cant believe he can just walk away from the family he had and move on within days to someone else? hes cutting his drinking down and seems to really want to change for this girl. why was I not enough?
I was in a relationship with a chronic alcoholic for a year and a half. his name was Steven and I loved him dearly. He was great with my 2 kids and we had this instant connection, he moved in after 3 days (huge mistake)
to cut a long story short I noticed quite quickly that he drank a lot, yet when I asked if there was an isue he said no, finally after 5 months he admitted it, but told me he was going to get better, a hope I clung onto for a long time. things got gradually worse. He was drinking more, we could never go out without him falling asleep, everything was my fault, he verbally and physically abused me, stole all my confidence, didn’t work, I paid for verything, he had lost his driving licence through drink so I ran him everywhere, basically gave him everything I could, until it just got too much. I sent him packing back to his mums but I always gave in and he came back, but now he has moved on and met someone else, and im heartbroken. I know in my mind it wasn’t a good relationship to be in but I cant forget how good it was when it was good. why do I feel this way?
I think about him contantly and cant believe he can just walk away from the family he had and move on within days to someone else? hes cutting his drinking down and seems to really want to change for this girl. why was I not enough?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Welcome to SR Laura.
I'm sorry to hear that you have been through so much with your relationship with Steven. Unfortunately addiction causes behaviour that makes no sense, the addict (and I was one) will do anything to get their drug of choice even if it threatens their relationships, jobs or homes.
I'm sorry to hear that you have been through so much with your relationship with Steven. Unfortunately addiction causes behaviour that makes no sense, the addict (and I was one) will do anything to get their drug of choice even if it threatens their relationships, jobs or homes.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Probably you enabled him by accepting a bunch of bad behavior. He may have lost respect for you because you allowed him to mistreat you. I know my husband did not respect me for 18 years. Now I tell him calmly but definitely when he crosses the line.
It may hurt for awhile, but in time you will be OK again. I'm sure his problems will resurface with this new woman.
It may hurt for awhile, but in time you will be OK again. I'm sure his problems will resurface with this new woman.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi MrsP, it must be really painful for you and the kids, but I'm sure you know it's done you a big favour once the initial grief recedes. Not so for the poor lady he's picking on now. Just to sum up:
- He was an alcoholic and lied to you about it
- He verbally and physically abused you
- He let you support him
- You were his chauffeur
- He blamed you for his problems
I bet he's been repeating this pattern all his life, and you're just one of a string of women who've supported him in the way he's accustomed to.
Please don't let him within cooee of you or the kids no matter what he says or does. And be careful of letting any men you don't know well near your kids, because they target vulnerable mothers.
- He was an alcoholic and lied to you about it
- He verbally and physically abused you
- He let you support him
- You were his chauffeur
- He blamed you for his problems
I bet he's been repeating this pattern all his life, and you're just one of a string of women who've supported him in the way he's accustomed to.
Please don't let him within cooee of you or the kids no matter what he says or does. And be careful of letting any men you don't know well near your kids, because they target vulnerable mothers.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: South Shore, MA
Posts: 348
If he is just cutting down for the other girl, the unfortunate odds are that he will be right back where he was. For the sake of your children, move on and be thankful they aren't being brought up by an active alcoholic....I am sure it's hard, focus on yourself and keep chugging ahead.....
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Mrspeanut,
I'm sorry for your pain and what brings you here, but I would imagine things aren't so great with the new girl even if it seems that way right now....an untreated alcoholic will continue to drink unless and until they decide to get help.
You are worth far better treatment than you received at the hands of your ex....I hope you will believe that as well someday soon!
I'm sorry for your pain and what brings you here, but I would imagine things aren't so great with the new girl even if it seems that way right now....an untreated alcoholic will continue to drink unless and until they decide to get help.
You are worth far better treatment than you received at the hands of your ex....I hope you will believe that as well someday soon!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 425
This is just speculation, but I imagine he knows what he did to you was wrong. If he ever decides to get sober, one of the first things that is going to "come back" to him is the wrong that he did. I'm newly recovered and I'm a guy and I cried a lot last week. And I didn't even really harm others with my drinking. I mostly harmed myself and people felt bad for me. The worst thing I did was lie to people and tell them that I'm not drinking anymore, when I was. Even something as small as that comes back rushing back and hurts when you get sober. "How could I let drinking do this to me??" These people care about me!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
it reads like you would have been a perfect candidate for a relationship for me when I was drinking. I didn't have relationships- I took hostages. id set a ransom and if that was met, a new ransom would be put in its place. if the ransom wasn't met, forceful coercion would be used until it was, that included some very sick behavior. if that didn't work, I was gone.
"I know in my mind it wasn’t a good relationship to be in but I cant forget how good it was when it was good. why do I feel this way?"
welp, I think theres the possibility that its normal to feel that. could be grieving.
"hes cutting his drinking down and seems to really want to change for this girl. "
don't believe it. if he follows my pattern, he'll be drinkin heavily real quick and have another hostage.
"why was I not enough? "
no matter what ya did, it would never be enough-for him. but that does not mean you are not an awesome woman. ya made a bad choice- one I hope you don't forget.
the best move any woman I was ever with was to throw me out of their life or walk away from me when I was drinking. it was the best move for them.
I would suggest taking time to look at yourself and find out exactly why ya let this happen. im thinkin this isn't the 1st time something similar has happened. is there a pattern goin on in your relationship?
"I know in my mind it wasn’t a good relationship to be in but I cant forget how good it was when it was good. why do I feel this way?"
welp, I think theres the possibility that its normal to feel that. could be grieving.
"hes cutting his drinking down and seems to really want to change for this girl. "
don't believe it. if he follows my pattern, he'll be drinkin heavily real quick and have another hostage.
"why was I not enough? "
no matter what ya did, it would never be enough-for him. but that does not mean you are not an awesome woman. ya made a bad choice- one I hope you don't forget.
the best move any woman I was ever with was to throw me out of their life or walk away from me when I was drinking. it was the best move for them.
I would suggest taking time to look at yourself and find out exactly why ya let this happen. im thinkin this isn't the 1st time something similar has happened. is there a pattern goin on in your relationship?
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Yorkshire, UK
Posts: 129
It's normal when a relationship ends to look back fondly on the good times and perhaps let the bad times be less significant in your mind. Being verbally and physically abused by a partner is not acceptable, under any circumstances. He will treat his new partner in exactly the same way until he gets help. You and your children deserve better than him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by mrspeanut 
I think about him contantly and cant believe he can just walk away from the family he had and move on within days to someone else? hes cutting his drinking down and seems to really want to change for this girl. why was I not enough?
He may not be that calculating, but the amazing thing in sobriety is to look back and see the patterns of relationship problems. I could never manage to commit to marriage - in retrospect I believe it was tacit knowledge that I was exactly like my alcoholic mother and did not want to recreate that havoc (yet did not want to give up what alcohol did for me).
It's hard, but please don't analyze this as being about you - it absolutely is not. It's about him, and being able to drink without consequences. Don't ever fool yourself into thinking that he can fix himself just by being "in love." If love were enough to prevent alcoholism, you wouldn't see any stories like yours in this forum. The sad truth is, your story is not unique and the odds are that so long as someone will take him in, he will continue to drink.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Originally Posted by mrspeanut
Hi my name is Laura and im new here. I just need to get my feelings out there, so here goes.
I was in a relationship with a chronic alcoholic for a year and a half. his name was Steven and I loved him dearly. He was great with my 2 kids and we had this instant connection, he moved in after 3 days (huge mistake)
to cut a long story short I noticed quite quickly that he drank a lot, yet when I asked if there was an isue he said no, finally after 5 months he admitted it, but told me he was going to get better, a hope I clung onto for a long time. things got gradually worse. He was drinking more, we could never go out without him falling asleep, everything was my fault, he verbally and physically abused me, stole all my confidence, didn’t work, I paid for verything, he had lost his driving licence through drink so I ran him everywhere, basically gave him everything I could, until it just got too much. I sent him packing back to his mums but I always gave in and he came back, but now he has moved on and met someone else, and im heartbroken. I know in my mind it wasn’t a good relationship to be in but I cant forget how good it was when it was good. why do I feel this way?
I think about him contantly and cant believe he can just walk away from the family he had and move on within days to someone else? hes cutting his drinking down and seems to really want to change for this girl. why was I not enough?
I was in a relationship with a chronic alcoholic for a year and a half. his name was Steven and I loved him dearly. He was great with my 2 kids and we had this instant connection, he moved in after 3 days (huge mistake)
to cut a long story short I noticed quite quickly that he drank a lot, yet when I asked if there was an isue he said no, finally after 5 months he admitted it, but told me he was going to get better, a hope I clung onto for a long time. things got gradually worse. He was drinking more, we could never go out without him falling asleep, everything was my fault, he verbally and physically abused me, stole all my confidence, didn’t work, I paid for verything, he had lost his driving licence through drink so I ran him everywhere, basically gave him everything I could, until it just got too much. I sent him packing back to his mums but I always gave in and he came back, but now he has moved on and met someone else, and im heartbroken. I know in my mind it wasn’t a good relationship to be in but I cant forget how good it was when it was good. why do I feel this way?
I think about him contantly and cant believe he can just walk away from the family he had and move on within days to someone else? hes cutting his drinking down and seems to really want to change for this girl. why was I not enough?
I would suggest re reading your post perhaps to see how you became a hostage to a manipulator alcoholic, a person who until they get sober for a long period is usually very untrustworthy. We did/said most anything to continue to drink. The big thing is we need to get sober for ourselves first.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
Yours is a description of how a good man and drink fall through into being an abusive alcoholic, his future is his , he didn't move on he changed partners where he will beg borrow and steal till that ends , then if he cant get anyone else he'll be back to his Mums or even worse knocking on your door.
If he finds help he has a chance of becoming himself again but it takes time and effort and is very frightening and confusing , but that's for him not you.
You have done nothing wrong he had all the qualities you liked though he also added a few that we're not.
Get your life back and move on, if you end up in another relationship with a drinker gone wrong be strong and firm and supportive, moderation in a problem drinker never really works its sober or over. You are worth more.
John.
If he finds help he has a chance of becoming himself again but it takes time and effort and is very frightening and confusing , but that's for him not you.
You have done nothing wrong he had all the qualities you liked though he also added a few that we're not.
Get your life back and move on, if you end up in another relationship with a drinker gone wrong be strong and firm and supportive, moderation in a problem drinker never really works its sober or over. You are worth more.
John.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by mrspeanut
I know in my mind it wasn’t a good relationship to be in but I cant forget how good it was when it was good. why do I feel this way? I think about him contantly...
He did you a favor by placing you in a position in which you either get involved in the business of living your own life, or in which you stay stuck by ruminating about the "good times."
When you work on living a better life, the heartbreak will fade, and you'll wonder why it was that you ever got so upset about losing such a toxic partner.
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Hi and welcome. As far as this "hostage taker," as another user so accurately put it, is concerned, his behavior is not likely to change consistently, no matter who he is with. He may clean up his act temporarily, but until he is ready and willing to make real, serious changes, he will not change.
Maybe the issue you should be dealing with more is why you would put up with someone like him. You said you sent him packing, but then you took him back, in spite of verbal and physical abuse, lying, mooching off of you, and all that other bad stuff. What issues do you need to address within yourself that would cause you to allow such abusive behavior to be perpetrated against you? Never mind him. His problems are his responsibility to address, but I worry more about you. You sound like a very kind-hearted, compassionate, and generous woman. You deserve so much better than the likes of him.
Maybe the issue you should be dealing with more is why you would put up with someone like him. You said you sent him packing, but then you took him back, in spite of verbal and physical abuse, lying, mooching off of you, and all that other bad stuff. What issues do you need to address within yourself that would cause you to allow such abusive behavior to be perpetrated against you? Never mind him. His problems are his responsibility to address, but I worry more about you. You sound like a very kind-hearted, compassionate, and generous woman. You deserve so much better than the likes of him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Laura!! 
When addiction is involved it's very difficult to understand events, this new girl definitely didn't cause him to change his life, only an addict can do that, plus he used you with giving very little back, so it could happen the same way, didn't he tell you he was going to change at one point? it could all be Deja vu in time!!
When addiction is involved it's very difficult to understand events, this new girl definitely didn't cause him to change his life, only an addict can do that, plus he used you with giving very little back, so it could happen the same way, didn't he tell you he was going to change at one point? it could all be Deja vu in time!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 219
Don't take any blame for his bad behavior. He had an abusive problem before he ever met you. You could be perfect and he would still abuse you or anyone he gets close to, mentally if not physically. That's how people like that just are.
You are probably missing the "honeymoon phases". Check out the Cyle of Abuse online. And you can't always blame alcohol for abusive behavior either. Getting sober may not make him a good guy.
Just be glad you're away from him now, and hopefully you won't take him back if he tries to wiggle back in your life. I know it's hard to let go at first. You can find someone better someday
You are probably missing the "honeymoon phases". Check out the Cyle of Abuse online. And you can't always blame alcohol for abusive behavior either. Getting sober may not make him a good guy.
Just be glad you're away from him now, and hopefully you won't take him back if he tries to wiggle back in your life. I know it's hard to let go at first. You can find someone better someday
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
