Brookie

Sitting here as I type this, I am almost blind drunk. I know I need to start working the steps and getting my life in order. My wife is out of town this weekend, and as an introvert I know that being alone is my single most powerful trigger. If it were just me, I wouldn't care, but my daughters deserve so much better than this.

I don't know what else to say. Maybe it's not fair to post this message, but I know I need a change, and need help. Strange to say, but it seems like the more I try to control my drinking, the more I drink.

Anyway, I'm not looking for sympathy. Just struggling to be honest with someone.

best

Honesty is always a nice place to start.

Something I think you should do...

Come back when you wake in the morning and reread what you posted.
Read it when sober then dust yourself off and try again.

behind blue eyes

best thing to do right now is sleep it off the alcohol will just distort your thinking and emotions. and remember when you wake up that you won't necessarily be sober, if you are that drunk you'll wake up under the influence too.

so when you get up call another alcoholic and tell him/her exactly what happened.

lizzy81001

exactly best. brookie, you know what you want and what your family needs. some hard core praying always helps as well. remember that drunk feeling is such a trick on you mind and your life. you are struggling to be free and as long as you keep pushing for something better, you will get it. don't stop coming here. you need support, you can't do this on your own, none of us can. stay focused on what you are trying to achieve. you can do it. we are all here for you

2dayzmuse

Brookie

I'm sorry your having such a hard time. I'm only 5 days sober, I know your pain. I have worked the steps intensely the last 5 days. I'm convinced that is the only way to remain sober. Please get a sponsor and work it. Do it for your daughters, wife, but most importantly YOU. Goodluck, be strong and God Bless.

We can do this together.

Talia

There is hope and peace out there. We just need to go and grasp it. It belongs to you!!!! Take it back.

1Marty

OK and I'll be honest too. You do need to work the steps seriously. We are dealing with a disease here. The steps are part of the treatment in th AA program. If this was cancer, and the doctor suggested some form of treatment, wouldn't you go along with it and take it seriously? I know were your coming from man. When my wife was away, that was my time to drink also. No one home to stop me. Well one day, this drunk went too far and nearly killed myself and others. That opened up my eyes that change needed to take place. OK time to forget about today and look towards tomorrow. It sounds like you want to stop. It can happen. Make another commitment tomorrow to not drink and hit a meeting. Best of luck to you.

Brookie

Thanks to everyone who responded so quickly. Part of the reason I posted tonight was because I knew that I would try to spin things in a more positive light tomorrow. Thank you for being here tonight.

Maybe I should start keeping a scrap book. My biggest problem (other than pure selfishness) is convincing myself that the problems I know are there when I drink continue after a few days of sobriety.

lizzy81001

brookie,
this is a great place to be. people are gonna respond because they care. we luv ya and hope this second is better for you than last second. do what triegger did if it works, one day he posted every hour on the hour just to check in and count off his sobriety time. worked too, he's on day 7 now.

Brookie

Thanks Lizzy (and everyone else who said basically the same thing) - I know, and that's why I posted. I also know that if I had waited until tomorrow, I probably would have lied and kept quite about what I did. I know this is a safe place. I may be an idiot, but I REALLY appreciate this place, and I am here because I want to recover.

Joe

1Marty

The Big book says that our Liquor was but a symptom. We have to get down to causes and conditions. Yes, you will come you find out that the same issues that have led you to drink are still there when you abstain.

1Marty

Hey Joe, How's it going today?

David 1

Joe, I could have wrote your post about one year ago (and about one hundred times in the last ten years). I drank alone too and did not understand that I have a disease that cannot be reasoned with, or treated by yourself.

Lucky you that you have not hit rock bottom, like I almost did and 1Marty has done. The only problem is sometimes it takes an "event" to have that light bulb of realization turn on.

Look up some information about alcoholism on the internet or go and spend a day at Borders reading some books on the subject. You will find out just how serious the disease is and that something very bad will happen if you keep drinking.

The other lucky part is that you have a wife and kids - strong support systems can be invaluable especially in the early stages of recovery.

I tried to quit time and time again, you probably have to - doesn't that tell you something? You cannot do it alone!

Do this for you and your family and please know that you have friends here that will help!!

Take care,

Dave

Dan

Joe.
Listen to the sound of silence man.
Listen real close, and you'll hear what you need to hear.
This is not an easy struggle.
You just realized you can't do it alone.
Together we can. Don't quit now.
We're just getting there man.
I'll see you tomorrow Joe.

Brookie

Thanks for checking in Marty. Much much better. I tried to make the on-line meeting here a little while ago, and couldn't overcome some technical difficulties. I got in on an on-line meeting at another site, though. Really needed it.

Felt so sick this morning. Feeling fine now (and sober now thank God). The first day for me is usually the easiest, b/c I can't deny how badly I feel. Each day after that just gets progressively harder, and I find it progressively easier to convince myself I don't have a problem, even while I'm grinding my teeth b/c I want a drink so badly.

I went to my first AA meeting about two weeks ago, and made two last week - though they are small and pretty informal meetings. Probably not a good choice for a beginner, but they're helping. If you told me then that I would feel like I NEED a meeting I would have laughed at you. Talking helps a lot. I really need to start studying the big book and working the steps though. And find a sponser.

Anyway, thanks again for checking in. Helps to know that people are thinking of me.

Brookie

Thanks David and Dan too. David - My kids are the reason I'm here. My wife's mom was an alcoholic, as is her sister. I've had an up-close view of what the later stages of this disease look like. If it were just me, I probably wouldn't care what happens, really. But I never want my children to see that.

That view is really part of the problem though. Right now, at worst, I'm a high-bottom drunk. Turns out that, after 48 or 72 hours, I've got an uncanny ability to convince myself that it's all in my head.

You said it, Brother.

vegancat

It's funny....the times when I felt the lowest and that I absolutely needed to do something about my drinking have been when I've been drunk (I'm just rambling about how you logged on and posted when you were drunk at the start of this thread). Why is this??? We drink, supposedly, because it's "fun" and/or helps us "forget our problems", yet spend the time hating ourselves. Crazy.

My turning point stemmed from a drunken email confession last weekend, btw, lol. Once I confessed my "secret" and actually admitted my problem to someone, it became real and I couldn't back out and pretend I was actually NOT an alcoholic. But, DAMN, I was so embarrassed the next day! I avoided opening up my email account (cuz I knew she would have responded) for three days.....

lmm8878

Realizing there is a problem is the first step. Then realizing that those around you that love you are not against you but cheering you on. Trust them to support you.

triegger

Hey Brookie,

I am Triegger, an alcoholic, new to recovery.

I can understand what you mean about convincing yourself that it is all in our head. I was a solitary drinker and being single had lots of time on my hands. I first thought I could control it and just cut down. That idea failed miserably, and I soon realized for me I just could not drink.

Sitting here on 9 days of being sober I can tell you there has been times when that voice in my head will start to talk and say "Hey, you got this beat, its ok to have a drink when you go out to dinner, etc" In those moments, I remind myself how much better it feels to not wake in the mornings either hungover or anxious, how nice it is not to plan when I was going to the liquor store and how much would I buy. Lastly, I remember that first few days of being sober, and how hard it was to get through those days.

Now I just take it one hour at a time, and dont worry about being sober forever, just sober today.

Keep fighting the good fight, know we are pulling for you and that I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,

Triegger

Brookie

Congrats on the nine days, Triegger, and thanks.