scintillady

I'm on day 27 thanks to the antabuse, and thanks to the desire to stop ruining my health. I go back and forth about whether I really have the desire to stop drinking forever. I admit I enjoy having a few glasses of wine immensely and I really miss it. I took the drastic step of going on antabuse because I know at this point I do not have the willpower to do it on my own. I like the fact that I can do things on the spur of the moment that I couldn't do before. I spent most of my free time planning my activities around when I could drink and when I could drive, gave up a lot of things because they came up last minute and I had already had too much to drink to drive anywhere, etc. Would panic if I had no alcohol in the house, even if I didn't plan to drink much of it. Now I know I can't drink unless I plan WAY ahead, like 2 weeks, and hopefully the craving will pass by then. Lately, though, my AV has been whispering in my ear that I might be able to take a couple of days vacation in August with some of the money I've saved by not drinking, and maybe, just maybe, I might want to skip the antabuse for a couple of weeks beforehand so that I can sit by my campfire and have a couple of glasses of wine during the vacation, then go back on it as soon as I get home. My rational mind tells me that this will set me back to square 1 as far as my brain chemistry goes, but my irrational mind tells me that I'll still be so far ahead of where I was a month ago as long as I commit to start taking it again right away. Probably won't do it, it just is darn tempting. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never be able to have a glass of wine again, which is something I enjoy miss a lot.

kittycat3

One day at a time.
I can relate but also wonder if you can see the obsessing over alcohol, quantities, etc in your post. Not drinking frees us from all that. It's a wonderful burden to release.

ScottFromWI

It's definitely hard to accept scintillady. You know it won't be just a couple glasses of wine though. Perhaps it's time to try some kind of recovery program rather than just Antabuse?

scintillady

I do have a counselor that is helping also. I just can't see him as often as I like since my insurance doesn't pay for him because he's out of network and I don't want to switch. He's a good fit for me since he's an alcoholic/drug addict, (although years and years sober) and I don't want to start all over with someone new. He charges me on sliding scale but even that is more money than I can afford right now in order to see him every week.

DisplacedGRITS

Do you plan on staying on Antibuse for your whole life? Alcoholism isn't a spigot you can turn off and on. Antibuse is a tool to get you on a lasting program of sobriety. It's not a magic pill. You can quit anytime you want and who says you'll go back on it? Are you working on a program besides medication? Do you really want to go the rest of your life juggling your medication with your desire to drink?

I had to stop living in the past and future and concentrate on my present. I would work myself into a state thinking about the enormity of sobriety forever. I too would think about all the times i wouldn't be able to drink if i was sober. Worry, worry, plan, scheme...it exhausted me. Instead, i concentrate on what i can do today and in my very near future to stay sober and happy. Really, what's the good of being sober if you're miserable all the time? My sobriety and happiness hinges on maintaining and strengthening the relationships i have with the sober alcoholics around me. I can't be happy all by my lonesome if i'm experiencing cravings. Please, build yourself a sober life that isn't dependent on a medication like Antibuse. You may find it more rewarding than you ever imagined it could be.

neferkamichael

Scintillady, 27 days sober is FANTASTIC, congratulations. Your AV is a sneeky SOB that will use every trick in the book to try to get you to drink. However, it will get tired after a while and give up, rootin for ya.

PurpleKnight

Great Job on 27 Days!!