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Difficuly withthe word "unmanagable"

Old 06-15-2014, 08:20 AM
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Difficuly withthe word "unmanagable"

This is long... I need to get it off my chest. Maybe unmanageable is a difficult word for me. I was managing. I kept a clean house, cooked dinner, went to work, I didn't drink every day, and I didn't even drink that much. However, my life became more and more out of control. I couldn't resist a drink, couldn't keep my promises to myself, put my kids at risk, put myself at risk, put others at risk. Lied to Jim, hid, nothing was more important to me than numbing, feeling high. That lovely warm, humming in my body. It was everything to me . It was my obsession and the love of my life. I never want to go back there. I'm learning who I am. For some reason I'm obsessing on "unmanageable" . Does this mean I'm not accepting step 1?? I know I am powerless to alcohol. I know my life was spiraling down. I know that my drinking/prescription drug problem would have gotten worse and worse.
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Old 06-15-2014, 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Hereandnow2
However, my life became more and more out of control. I couldn't resist a drink, couldn't keep my promises to myself, put my kids at risk, put myself at risk, put others at risk. Lied to Jim, hid, nothing was more important to me than numbing, feeling high. That lovely warm, humming in my body. It was everything to me . It was my obsession and the love of my life. I never want to go back there.
Doesn't sound very manageable to me.
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Old 06-15-2014, 02:27 PM
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I went to an A.A. meeting and struggled with a lot of the text and subtext. It helps people; that is certainly a wonderful thing.

I believe I quit drinking just BEFORE it became unmanageable, but it seemed to be heading that direction. I find steps two and three even harder to swallow, but I'm not here to try to get people to question their faith. I'll just say I haven't turned over my will to anything or anyone.
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Old 06-15-2014, 03:05 PM
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You seem to be trapped by semantics a bit Hereandnow. 'Unmanageable' and 'out of control' are pretty interchangeable I would have thought.
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Old 06-15-2014, 03:12 PM
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I would suggest that 'unmanageable'can be expressed in many different ways.
You don't have to be an extreme alcoholic to see your life as unmanageable.
I drank for decades, thinking even really heavy consumption was normal........
These days I also see so called 'moderate drinking' as a wolf in sheep's clothing too!
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Old 06-15-2014, 03:23 PM
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Is it just the word maybe, hereandnow? Let it go. You said you understand that you're powerless over alcohol-I think that is a very good and helpful admission. Maybe substitute a word for unmanageable?
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Old 06-15-2014, 03:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Hereandnow2 View Post
I was managing.
However, my life became more and more out of control. I couldn't resist a drink, couldn't keep my promises to myself, put my kids at risk, put myself at risk, put others at risk. Lied to Jim, hid, nothing was more important to me than numbing, feeling high. That lovely warm, humming in my body. It was everything to me . It was my obsession and the love of my life. I never want to go back there.
I'm not being mean, but there's a real disconnect here.
Can you see it, Hereandnow?

I'm not an AAer but when I read the Big Book I equated the unmanageable part of it to my drinking. I couldn't manage my drinking. I proved that hundreds of times over 20 years.

Even if you want to widen the scope to our whole lives I still don't have an issue with it.

I drank all day everyday - my life was nothing but trips to the bottle shop and watching TV.

I called that manageable because I managed to pay my bills (if late) and I managed at least to have some food in the fridge.

Looking back I'd call that barely existing, not managing.

I know you had not reached those depths - but maybe ask yourself reading again that second bit I quoted from you - was that really a level of management you're happy with?

D
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Old 06-15-2014, 03:41 PM
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Maybe you can accept that to keep what power (or manageability) you retained in your life, it is smart to accept powerlessness to alcohol at this point... for the purpose of saving what you do still have.
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Old 06-15-2014, 04:14 PM
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It's just a word. That's all.

Do you want to stop drinking?
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Old 06-15-2014, 04:21 PM
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Alcohol seems to be causing problems in your life and as you say it is becoming "more and more out of control" . . . does that sound manageable?? . . . to me it sounds like a progressive spiral into chaos.

I wouldn't worry about words and terminology used, putting yourself, your kids and others at risk calls for something to change in your life!!

I had to come to the same conclusion in my own life, alcohol was becoming detrimental and I had to make a change!!
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Old 06-15-2014, 04:32 PM
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You guys are amazing! I think you all are right while I "managed" my affairs my life was unmanageable in terms of my emotions, choices, and inability to stop drinking on my own. I agree that my drinking was a "wolf in sheeps clothing"! I drank three times a week or so and maybe 4 beers or 3 glasses of wine each time. What I would do is drink on a empty stomach in order to feel more if a buzz. I have yet to have anyone in my life think I have a problem but this is due to hiding it. I am clearly getting to caught up on the words but have accepted it after reading your posts! Thank you all for being so patient and kind!
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Old 06-15-2014, 04:45 PM
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I think you just hit that nail right on the head Hereandnow!!!
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Old 06-15-2014, 05:05 PM
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Didn't read all the post. How is your life without the drink? How are you managing without your ability to numb?
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Old 06-15-2014, 05:30 PM
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Jdooner, it's only been two weeks and it has been hard. Mouth watering cravings ect. But....I feel more present with my kids. I love not being hungover and not feeling guilty about anything!
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Old 06-15-2014, 06:05 PM
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Thx...I found that when I took away my goto coping mechanism the unmanageability was pretty obvious while active and sober. This helped me understand that I needed to change everything I was accustomed too and create a new life. It was part of being willing to do whatever it took to be sober and open to new things.

Congrats on the two weeks.

Books that helped me:
In the Realm if Hungry Ghosts, Mate
Power of Now, Tolle
Awareness, Demello
Mindfulness for beginners, Kabat-zinn.


There are more but hose stick out.
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Old 06-15-2014, 06:23 PM
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I don't know the steps but it should be....stop drinking..steps 1-1000.
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Old 06-16-2014, 03:53 AM
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"For some reason I'm obsessing on "unmanageable" . Does this mean I'm not accepting step 1?? :
since you said yer life was out of control, I don't think its an acceptance thing. maybe just an obsessive and/or semantics thing.
I used to say my life wasn't unmanageable, I just never tired to manage it. would say things like this at meetings:
However, my life became more and more out of control. I couldn't resist a drink, couldn't keep my promises to myself, put my kids at risk, put myself at risk, put others at risk. Lied to everyone, hid, nothing was more important to me than numbing, feeling high. That lovely warm, humming in my body. It was everything to me . It was my obsession and the love of my life.


then one day after ameeting, after I said(again) my life wasn't unmanageable I just never tried to manage it, my now sponsor came up to me and said,"you don't even see how insane statements like that are."
did some thinkin on it. took time, but eventually I understood what he said.

but I didn't let that stop me from moving onto the next step.

if ya want to say yer life was out of control, I say go for it, then move onto the next step.

"Jdooner, it's only been two weeks and it has been hard. Mouth watering cravings ect."
nope, its not easy. getting sober was the hardest thing I ever did. staying sober has been easy.
keep on trudging!! them promises ya hear read at meetings, the 9th step promises( and all of the other promises in the BB) ,will materialize if ya work for them!
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Old 06-16-2014, 04:07 AM
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What I have come to accept that my life is unmanageable by myself. I have tried to manage my life. Now, when I try to manage my life, I mean I try to MANAGE MY LIFE. Guess what's in my life? People, places, things...so I try to manage the people around me. I try to manage their emotions and reactions. I try to manipulate situations so that the people react the way I desire. I try to manage places. I want to manage the traffic, the line in the grocery store, the crowd at the festival, THE LINE TO THE LADY'S ROOM!!!! I attempt to manage things. My schedule (crap, where are my keys? I'm late. They can't know I'm late because of my keys. Maybe my car wouldn't start....), my pets, my house, my car....there are some things I can manage but my life has become unmanageable because it's too much. I can't. I just can't manage all these things. It's impossible. I can't keep up. It's too much.

So my life is unmanageable. Well, DUH! I can't manage a lot of things in my life. I can only manage tiny bits and those bits are the things I am in an intimate relationship with. No, not my partner. Me. My reactions, my perception, my desires, my fears....these, I can manage only if I let go the aspects of my life that I cannot manage. Those, I turn over to my Higher Power. I give it up to the Universe and let it be as it shall be, not as how I desire it to be.
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Old 06-16-2014, 04:12 AM
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Originally Posted by zerothehero View Post
I went to an A.A. meeting and struggled with a lot of the text and subtext. It helps people; that is certainly a wonderful thing.

I believe I quit drinking just BEFORE it became unmanageable, but it seemed to be heading that direction. I find steps two and three even harder to swallow, but I'm not here to try to get people to question their faith. I'll just say I haven't turned over my will to anything or anyone.
The only thing I remember about my first meeting was a very nice old man who was pleased to see me, a new experience. Not really a basis for making a judgment on whether a program that has saved millions is for me or not.

Step one is about identifying the problem. Have you lost the power of choice or not. If you can still chose, you don't need AA. If you can't, like me, then we need to look at some means of recovering.

Look at step two as your choice of method of recovery. Along with many other things before I recovered, I came to believe that a good meal would restore me to health. Also, doctor, rehab girlfriend, , medication, new town, etc etc. it could be anything.

Step two really asks if we are willing to believe that the same power that worked for us ( in AA) would work for you too. Would a spiritual solution be a possibility for you. If the answer is yes, we can move to the next step. If no, AA is not for us, we need to look for an alternative.

Steps two and three are not about having belief in a higher power. They are about willingness to believe (2) and a decision (3) to take the necessary action to find such a power. The psychic change or spiritual experience that brings about permanent recovery from alcoholism comes as the result of the steps, not from any particular beliefs at the start.
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Old 06-16-2014, 07:36 AM
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Just last night...in my almost 3 weeks of sobriety..I realized how poorly I have "managed" my life. Yes, I have managed to perform some bare minimums of expectation. I can keep a job. I have never lost my driver's license. I can dress myself, feed myself, find my way around and keep appointments. I have friends and family. I can read and write.

But wow...I never really took hold of this life thing and embraced it. If my life was a company, it didn't do well under my management.

Last night I realized I don't know how to live and I couldn't help wondering what came first. Did I start drinking because I never did know...or did it just slip away from me?

There are folks who just get up everyday and do their stuff and don't need a drink (or many) to get on through. They just go about the business of life like they know what they are doing...
I'm not one of those people. I don't know when my life became "unmanageable". I honestly don't know when that occurred...when I "required" drinking to manage it.

To me...in effect...I stopped "managing" my life when I started drinking abusively. I don't know if I ever quit managing my life...or simply never started.
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