Feeling lost and scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 165
Feeling lost and scared
I've been clean for 46 days, every one of which I have spent with my boyfriend living together with my parents. We broke up today rather suddenly and unexpectedly and I don't really know how I'm feeling about it. He's moving out tomorrow and my whole world changes. One of my main motivations to get clean was to have a future with him. So I'm scared and confused, yet also relieved that the relationship is ending because it was becoming pretty dysfunctional. But I wasn't quite ready to let go.
He moves out tomorrow and I think it's all going to hit me once his stuff is gone and I have to get in that big bed alone without having his arms to curl up in or hearing him say he loves me. I'm getting emotional just writing about it.
Can I get through this without picking up? Am I strong enough to feel all of this pain and discomfort without self-medicating? I'm scared
He moves out tomorrow and I think it's all going to hit me once his stuff is gone and I have to get in that big bed alone without having his arms to curl up in or hearing him say he loves me. I'm getting emotional just writing about it.
Can I get through this without picking up? Am I strong enough to feel all of this pain and discomfort without self-medicating? I'm scared
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
I know where you're coming from. I let a recent breakup with my significant other become the catalyst to drink again and now, a miserable month and a half later, I'm detoxing from that. You don't have to let it get to that point. You've got some good sober time behind you and you can work through this. Relapsing will only make things worse, and I think you know that. It's gonna hurt like hell for a while, but I think - especially since you pointed out that it was dysfunctional - you'll probably realize you're much better off. That big ol' bed will start to feel pretty good as being all yours! And without the drama that was causing all the issues to start with. Keep coming here. There are plenty who are willing to listen and support you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Amester - I can only share my ES&H (experience, hope and strength). I was in one dysfunctional relationship for over 20 years, turned to drugs to deal with it. That led to addiction and two more dysfunctional relationships.
I started clinging to the friends & family/substance abuse and alcohol forums for support, as well as newcomers, substance abuse forums and others.
It took me THREE XABFs (ex addict boyfriends) and realizing I just couldn't keep doing what I was doing to choose recovery.
Just my suggestion, but you may want to check out the friends & family forums and I think you'll find a home there. I found out, thanks to a dear friend here, I was "comfortable in my discomfort zone" and that's not a good thing.
In my experience, it took a while but I learned to realize I was going to be okay with our without Mr. Dysfunction while I worked on my own issues.
SR has been a huge support for me in both aspects - my addiction and my codependency.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I started clinging to the friends & family/substance abuse and alcohol forums for support, as well as newcomers, substance abuse forums and others.
It took me THREE XABFs (ex addict boyfriends) and realizing I just couldn't keep doing what I was doing to choose recovery.
Just my suggestion, but you may want to check out the friends & family forums and I think you'll find a home there. I found out, thanks to a dear friend here, I was "comfortable in my discomfort zone" and that's not a good thing.
In my experience, it took a while but I learned to realize I was going to be okay with our without Mr. Dysfunction while I worked on my own issues.
SR has been a huge support for me in both aspects - my addiction and my codependency.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
You can absolutely do this sober Amester. You just did 46 days In my dysfunctional relationship and now that relationship is done...more the better for you to work on yourself. Drinking would be that absolute worst possible choice you could make now....be strong for yourself to move forward.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
Damn right you are strong enough 
Being scared in an emotion that comes to us when we realize that it is time for a change. We are uncertain what to expect because it is something different. The change can be scary, but challenging and exciting as well!
Give it a go. Sit back-relax and have some fun
Being scared in an emotion that comes to us when we realize that it is time for a change. We are uncertain what to expect because it is something different. The change can be scary, but challenging and exciting as well!Give it a go. Sit back-relax and have some fun
Wild Child
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Houston
Posts: 32
I am so sorry you are going through this! But this too shall pass and remember everything happens for a reason. It is going to suck and because of that you need to take care of yourself. Just remember that drinking like crazy is only going to make you feel worse. I know it is tempting !!!!!!! Breathe and one day at a time, things will get better.
xoxoxo
xoxoxo
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Amester, yes you can. Be mindful that you are going to feel pain about this, suffer through it and ride it out, because it will go away. 46 days is FANTASTIC, congratulations. Rootin for ya. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Amester, stay sober and give yourself time to properly process this event. Being sober doesn't keep us away from the issues of life, we just deal with those issues better when we're sober. And you may find this is a blessing in disguise, but you need time to find out for sure.
Just stay strong and reach out to your family, friends and SR if you need a little encouragement. I've had my share of break-ups and heartbreaks, and in the moment it always seemed like things wouldn't get better, but they always did, and usually sooner rather than later.
Just stay strong and reach out to your family, friends and SR if you need a little encouragement. I've had my share of break-ups and heartbreaks, and in the moment it always seemed like things wouldn't get better, but they always did, and usually sooner rather than later.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 165
Thank you for all of the support and encouragement I appreciate it very much.
Unfortunately things just took an ugly turn. He wanted to talk about things at 4am, it turned into a fight and him getting mean and nasty and packing up and leaving. On his way out he said he just took 90 pills and he was going to go drop dead somewhere. I have no idea if he is being truthful or just manipulative, however he had lots of medications on hand and he has attempted suicide in the past.
He texted that he can't find his wallet but doesn't need it anyway and goodbye and That i'll be the last one to ever hear from him. There's nothing I can do, I can't send police or an ambulance to someone who's driving. I called and left messages for a close family member to let them know what's going on and hope they can somehow help him.
So now saying I'm scared is an understatement and the new question is can I handle being responsible for someone harming or even killing themselves? without relapsing?
Unfortunately things just took an ugly turn. He wanted to talk about things at 4am, it turned into a fight and him getting mean and nasty and packing up and leaving. On his way out he said he just took 90 pills and he was going to go drop dead somewhere. I have no idea if he is being truthful or just manipulative, however he had lots of medications on hand and he has attempted suicide in the past.
He texted that he can't find his wallet but doesn't need it anyway and goodbye and That i'll be the last one to ever hear from him. There's nothing I can do, I can't send police or an ambulance to someone who's driving. I called and left messages for a close family member to let them know what's going on and hope they can somehow help him.
So now saying I'm scared is an understatement and the new question is can I handle being responsible for someone harming or even killing themselves? without relapsing?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 165
I shouldn't be jumping into the future before I have any concrete information. While I'm waiting to hear some sort of news that he's ok, or not, I'm also starting to feel the sadness and emptiness of him exiting my life and home so abruptly.
Amazingly so far I'm not even having any cravings or thoughts of using/drinking. And if I suddenly do get any urges I already have a lot of feedback and support to lean on, thank you everyone. I'd be kinda lost without this place.
Amazingly so far I'm not even having any cravings or thoughts of using/drinking. And if I suddenly do get any urges I already have a lot of feedback and support to lean on, thank you everyone. I'd be kinda lost without this place.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,534
I will say it again: you are not responsible if he harms himself. Just like he is not responsible if you pick up.
Amester, he has put you in an incredibly bad spot. It is important for you to not pick up so you can deal well with reality. Alcohol will only skew how you think about and handle the mess he is creating.
I am sorry he has done this. Don't allow his illness to affect your wonderful progress. You can do this!
Amester, he has put you in an incredibly bad spot. It is important for you to not pick up so you can deal well with reality. Alcohol will only skew how you think about and handle the mess he is creating.
I am sorry he has done this. Don't allow his illness to affect your wonderful progress. You can do this!
You've already shown that you're strong enough to do this
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