Aiko

I stopped drinking, benzo, pot...
The drug centre put into a treatment of small sedative pills...
The problem:
I am abusing so much of the pills,
I do not have anybody to control my pills
so the doc said to stop them to get rid of them...
But have not done so...
I can not have a thing on me... I abuse deliberately so I do not feel...

In the mornings I have only a few cos I work
but once I park the car I stuff myself until I am numb.

If I continue like this they say I have to get a holiday and go into rehab.
But I do not want to... I am hiding it!!!
I said I handle it by myself...
But I just want moreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I know soon I will have to walk on my own!
NO more crutches!
NO NOTHING!
and that frightens me I am not used to live awake!!!
How the hell I am going to live without anything...
no drinking not pills no smoking pot...
I can get anything just crossing the door...
people offer me... NO THANKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN!
NEVER EVER FOREVER IS CRAZY!!!

So I have the weekend coming...
AND all I think I am going to stuff myself...
and next Wednesday got appointment in the drug centre...
What have you been up to???

Gilmer

Rehab will force you to stop altogether. Once you have done that for a couple of weeks, the prospect of living substance-free will be a lot less daunting. It is unhealthy to live a double life, anyway. Come out of the proverbial closet to your parents about your drug use. Even if they don't understand at first, you all will grow through the experience. Perhaps when they see you getting clean, they will develop a new admiration for you.

You need to get clean, no matter what. This life is killing you.

Gilmer

I had eye surgery today! All went well.

Aiko

Gilmer You are completely right,
but life is not that clear cut!
My parents are ill...
my mum is awaiting to be operated on... or she can die any time by stroke!
My dad is very ill due to alcohol and heart medication... and is not well in the head!!!
I am so ashamed.... I can not tell my younger brother... and I do not know how he will react!!!

And since my older brother died 15 years ago I am the strong one!
And I will do anything so they do not find out!!!
Everybody believes I am so strong... and I am WEAK...
and I am so ashamed...

I do not want to go into rehab...
How the hell I am going to disappear two weeks???
I have to do it on my own...

Is just one side of my head knows I have to stop definitely and pretty soon before something bad happens.........
and the other side just wants more... does not want to stop
and I is scared and confused...

Glad your eye operation went well Big Hug!!!

Gilmer

None of that really matters. Your taking steps to get healthy is not going to cause your parents to die. One of these days it might be you who is dead! What good would you be to them then?

Carlotta

Aiko, you worry me girl. It does not matter that you have to be the strong one if you OD you will not be any good for your family.
There is a saying for which is to put the oxygen mask on first meaning that unless you prioritize taking care of yourself and your own addiction you cannot effectively help others.
Just got to rehab please.

Aiko

I am still at it...
I decided to stop on Sunday night...
So I have the big bang weekend!

Today I turned up to a work meeting with tones of make up and coffee...
half gone and my tongue kept getting tangled up. My translations... god!!!
I can not keep turning up like this...
I look at the screen...
¿¿¿What was I doing...???

I am not going to rehab no way!
I can do it!
I have to do it!!!
Whether I like it or not this life is not viable!
And I can not drive like this either...

I was walking on the beach with a friend and asked me to throw them away!
but I said what was the point to throw some when I can get hold of more...
She is worried that I over do it...
But I am a D*** Head and I believe I know how much I can handle!!!

And tomorrow a birthday...
Great with coca-cola and the others with champagne!!!
So I will stuffing myself with sedatives instead!!!

I am starting from Monday...
No nothing AT ALL
That is going to be FUN