Mountainmanbob

after some time of being sober or dry
deceived myself into thinking that
I thought that I would be able to handle it next time I drank
for me -- proven wrong every time

seems I'm the fool who fools himself

Mountainman

Achingforchange

Bigsombrero - I am grateful for your post. Thank you for taking the time. A friend of mine said the exact same thing yesterday about me being able to drink again, which is exactly what sparked this thread. It really got me thinking, because she is a really wise friend who even has an alcoholic father and has no tolerance for alcoholics. But she also doesn't know the whole story with me. Not even close. So, she doesn't have all the facts and I know it. I can't forget that simple fact.

Like many on this forum, my social circle are all drinkers. We don't meet in bars, but we meet on our back decks and in our houses and over dinner, so while everything is completely centered around alcohol - it doesn't feel as black and white as staying away from bars. I would have to stay away from my neighborhood! I don't know one person who doesn't drink, but what I am taking away from your post Bigsombrero, is that it is time to seek those people out and find something else to do in the evenings other than socialize with drinkers. Point well taken. Thank you for the reminder that I have to do something other than just not drink. I would see people write this in other threads and I really didn't understand what that meant. Now, I think I am beginning to see an example of what that means.

ForgetfulKevin

Good thread! These are my notes inspired by the above posts:

Acceptance: This is how I am, and this is how it is. It's a permanent condition.

Settled: Nothing more to think about. Already decided for good and obvious reasons. No need to reconsider. Case closed.

One less thing clears the way for many better things.

Not a loss: The big losses have already happened. It's a big opportunity and many little opportunities ahead in many areas.

Liberation: Out of the foggy and poisonous and delusional prison into a fresh new life.

Achingforchange

Love the clarity of thinking! May become a mantra during my foggy thinking moments (i.e. right now). It is NOT A LOSS! The big losses have already happened. Love.

Achingforchange

Sigh. Yes. This. This is what I am doing.

SoberHoopsFan

Your AV is lying to you, it is ruthless and will say anything to get what it wants. At least mine is. 27 days is a great accomplishment, if you wanted to quit in the first place the real you likely wants to continue in sobriety.

2muchpain

I am also coming up on 30 days and feeling great, so great that a few drinks sounds like a great idea. I try to keep the memories of my last relapse fresh, but its hard sometimes. I try to be honest with myself and know for a fact where those few drinks will lead me, and it is never good. I've been in this spot many times, and the end result is always the same, starting over, the withdrawals, the DT's, the bruises and cuts, etc. It never changes and it never will. That's just how I'm wired. When those thoughts of drinking come up, try being brutally honest with yourself. If your anything like me, you know where your drinking will lead you too.

bigsombrero

Yep, that's what I mean. My friends are the same way: we're in our late 30's. We gathered on decks, in back yards, golf courses, living rooms, etc. But who's drinking what - and how much - inevitably becomes part of the "fun" (i.e. Wife #1 starts telling college stories and begins to take shots with Wife #2, while Husband #1 gets a wry grin on his face and breaks out the fancy scotch he got abroad last year).

I had to move on from that whole scene. And lots of them don't get it. They wonder "why can't you just come and drink water?" -- sorry, it doesn't work that way.

The problem is, we get in a big hurry to fill that hole. In my experience, I didn't quite find my niche right away, and began to think that quitting drinking might have been a big mistake. I'd given up my friends...for what? So I could sit home alone and watch a ball game?

Don't assume you're going to have to start training for the Iron Man/Woman Marathon tomorrow just because you gave up the back yard BBQs. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses, accept "addition by subtraction" and take your time healing. This can take a while, be patient with yourself.

Achingforchange

Giving me lots to think about, Bigsombrero. I have continued to attend all the social functions and just drink water. It has been really hard. I appreciate your experience. Thank you.

bigsombrero

I know it's hard. In my case, my sober life had become a square peg and it just wouldn't fit into that round hole any more. I just needed to re-focus my energy on making a new life for myself. A life that fits with sobriety. We often like to minimize the effect that sobriety will have on our lives. "I can just do the same things, only without drinking - no big deal!"

Early on, that's probably an okay stance. But in the end, as you stay sober (and I think you can), you'll probably find yourself wanting to move on completely from that scene. It could save your life. Deep down, don't we want a major change to take place? We didn't quit drinking because things were "a little off". We needed to quit because things were out of control and going down a dark path. That path needs to be altered.

Have a great weekend, take it easy and stick to your guns!

Achingforchange

Thank you all for your wisdom. I appreciate it. I am in a weird spot right now, as I find myself thinking about drinking again a lot. I have even daydreamed of ways that I could have a drink and my husband would never know. This alone tells me I am truthfully not looking to drink socially again. I miss the feeling of getting drunk. That is as honest as I can be about it and it is ugly to see that in writing.
It reminds me a bit about how you know if you should be concerned about someone committing suicide, you ask the question, "do you have a plan?"

I am thinking more and more about my own plan for drinking. Which tells me I am in trouble.

Tomorrow is 30 days. For the first time since quitting, I understand the benefit of one day at a time mentality. I just want to get through today and then hopefully wake up tomorrow to reach day 30.

Dee74

Congrats on your upcoming 30 days

I think you need to shore up your recovery a little tho - thinking of ways to sneak drinks is never a good sign.

Do you have other support besides SR?
D

Mountainmanbob

we had to get rid of some old ideas
or possibly we were to drink again

I understand
it is not always easy

Mountainman

Achingforchange

I have been seeing an addiction counselor once a week and using SR as my support. I agree that putting in place a more proactive plan would be useful. Really struggling today. Husband is gone for the evening and won't be home until late. An acquaintance brought over a bottle of wine yesterday to say thank you for hosting an event last week. I am thinking about that bottle of wine a lot. This is just so surprising to me. I felt the first few weeks there was not a lot of 'pull'...now all I feel is the pull. The scary part for me is that I am not even kidding myself about it right now. I am not pretending to forget anymore. I actually feel like I remember the hard part and right now, I feel like I don't care. I just don't care.

I didn't have a bad day. I am not stressed right now. Today, I just feel like it is unlikely that I will get caught and if I could just have it every now and again? I know it is all crazy talk. I know. I really feel like I am thinking crazy right now. My head is just full of noise. I have never been so sure that I am an alcoholic. Which makes me feel even more like taking a drink.

MythOfSisyphus

Occasionally I'll use the search function to look at the first dozen posts I made here. That usually reminds me how far there is to fall if I slip.

scoots

well it was about a year ago that i decided i needed to make a change with my drinking. I didn't think i was an alcoholic, i just thought alcohol was something i had a hard time controlling. I have spent the last 12 months trying everything in the book to "control" this, and my attempts have been laughable. I have tried not having it in the house so I will only drink "socially". Problem is I spend all week excited to go out to get my booze and then end up getting wasted. And every time i tried this it only took a few days to come up with some reason why i HAD to get a case of beer or something (having friends over,etc) and then it's in the house and of course i'm going to drink it. I tried monitoring the amount i drank - once i start drinking i can talk myself into just about anything so this obviously did NOT work. I tried telling myself I can only drink on certain days. Either I stuck to it but then just went out of control with the drinking or else would break the rule because there was something going on that just HAD to be an exception (and there are ALWAYSSS exceptions). I tried to convince myself that it was extremely rude to decline somebody offering you a drink and making them drink alone. When your friends and family are all huge drinkers, you are offered drinks constantly!!

So every time I failed at these ways to "control" my drinking, it would leave me feeling worse about myself than ever. So on at least 5 occasions in the last year I really seriously told myself I was going to quit forever. The longest I ever made it was 3 weeks I think and then like usual I convinced myself that if I could go that long without drinking then obviously i am not really an alcoholic and i just need to do a better job controlling. Or else i felt there was some event that just absolutely justified being able to drink (my last sobriety attempt ended because of my beach vacation). And then I am just back to drinking in my old same ways.

So here I am a year later and pretty much all of these attempts of controlling my alcohol have just made me feel worse than ever. Not to mention it is exhausting. I can't even remember anything I did this past year because my time and thoughts have just been completely consumed and obsessed with drinking. It may have taken awhile, but I am finally ready to admit that YES I AM AN ALCOHOLIC!! And I know that there is nothing I can do to control it, and why in the world would I want to. I need it gone from my life so that my memories someday are of my family and kids and not just an obsession of how much I was drinking and what a failure I was every time I couldn't control it. Stick with it!!!!!!

IOAA2

Hi. I learned that alcohol ism is never going to be alcohol wasm. Also it will always become worse if I continued to drink.
BE WELL

Achingforchange

Made it to 30 days, but it was by the skin of my teeth. The last few days have been hard and I don't think I would have made it without you all. Hoping today is an easier day.

HeadLump

Congrats, Aching! Be proud of your achievement