To be loved.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Luxembourg
Posts: 151
To be loved.
Recently I ahve been doing a bit of soul searching as to why I binge drink and have reached the conclusion that I have never really felt "loved" in my life.
As as the youngest child, I always felt that I was a mistake and consequently my mother and father had little time for me. My mother died when I was 21 and shortly after my sister (with whom I was extremely close.)
Even though I have had several relationships, I have never ever felt secure or attractive enough which has led me to binge drink to give me that stupid false air of confidence. Even when I like someone, I am convinced that they will never like me as much as I like them and they will just go off with someone else eventually anyway. The only way I can make these feelings go away for a while is through alcohol.
I have tried to talk about my feelings with a therapist before but it did not make any difference as I was never told what I should do to rid such feelings. I jsut feel so alone and wonder why at 33 I have not met the love of my life yet. . . I jsut get disappointed and let down.
So I suppose that is why I use alcohol as my crutch - to blank out these feelings for a while. Does it work? Only in the short term and then those feelings return ten fold.
Thanks for reading.
As as the youngest child, I always felt that I was a mistake and consequently my mother and father had little time for me. My mother died when I was 21 and shortly after my sister (with whom I was extremely close.)
Even though I have had several relationships, I have never ever felt secure or attractive enough which has led me to binge drink to give me that stupid false air of confidence. Even when I like someone, I am convinced that they will never like me as much as I like them and they will just go off with someone else eventually anyway. The only way I can make these feelings go away for a while is through alcohol.
I have tried to talk about my feelings with a therapist before but it did not make any difference as I was never told what I should do to rid such feelings. I jsut feel so alone and wonder why at 33 I have not met the love of my life yet. . . I jsut get disappointed and let down.
So I suppose that is why I use alcohol as my crutch - to blank out these feelings for a while. Does it work? Only in the short term and then those feelings return ten fold.
Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
that recognition is a great place to start....
from there, you can proceed a little deeper.
I suspect that what you may find is similar to what a lot of us have found; we need to learn to love OURSELVES.
When that begins to happen, we attract love into our lives and our world. We open ourselves to acceptance of the love that already exists in our world but we're incapable of receiving....
As we seek and chase love from another... desperately trying to BE LOVED, we paradoxically push it ever further away.
Love invites Love.
Start with yourself.
(HINT: there is a lot to Love about who you are... there is a lot of worth that you already carry right inside of you.... there is a lot for you to discover and embrace and you don't need anyone else for that.)
from there, you can proceed a little deeper.
I suspect that what you may find is similar to what a lot of us have found; we need to learn to love OURSELVES.
When that begins to happen, we attract love into our lives and our world. We open ourselves to acceptance of the love that already exists in our world but we're incapable of receiving....
As we seek and chase love from another... desperately trying to BE LOVED, we paradoxically push it ever further away.
Love invites Love.
Start with yourself.
(HINT: there is a lot to Love about who you are... there is a lot of worth that you already carry right inside of you.... there is a lot for you to discover and embrace and you don't need anyone else for that.)
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Misscostalot....I'm so very sorry you lost your Mum and your sister. They are both irreplaceable, I'm sure.
Alcohol has a way of exacerbating any bad feelings we have about ourselves. It's a depressant...and will never be a solution to anything.
I'm sorry your first therapist was not helpful. I'm not sure where you live, but it would be wise to seek out some counselling services and give it another shot. I'm sure your Mum would hate to see you settle for feeling second rate. Until you learn to address those feelings, and realise you are worth better...the lure of alcohol will still be there.
Alcohol has a way of exacerbating any bad feelings we have about ourselves. It's a depressant...and will never be a solution to anything.
I'm sorry your first therapist was not helpful. I'm not sure where you live, but it would be wise to seek out some counselling services and give it another shot. I'm sure your Mum would hate to see you settle for feeling second rate. Until you learn to address those feelings, and realise you are worth better...the lure of alcohol will still be there.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
i have to learn to love myself first and feel good about being on my own
i have had to do many things in my life to change as i was so much in need of another person to love me and it would fix me
through many failed relationships i learned i am so hard to please i want to much out of a person
in the end i got fed up of the pain and did something about me i started doing things i enjoy and make me happy and forgot all about needing someone in my life
but first i had to see it was me who had the problem and like all problems they can be over come but with a lot of hard soul searching work
its not easy to face up to how i am as i thought i was perfect and would be a great lover for anyone who was lucky enough to win my heart
i have good and bad parts about me like everyone does
i have had to learn what love really is and believe me its not what i thought love really is
for example
the idea of letting someone go to be with someone who they loved as i loved them would be unimaginable for me. as its not fair they should love me as i love them
so i had to face it, if i truely loved them then i would be happy for them that they have found the new love in there life, and just treasure the moments i had with that person
and let them go
wow what a tall order when your in love with someone and you will not let them go
but really that is what true love is
my love was a selfish love and i have to be rid of selfishness in my life to find happyness
or face it that i will not find love in my life the way i want it as no one can give it to me the way i want it so if i can not change then i have to accept being on my own rather than make someone else life unhappy with me
i have this saying now
i would rather be alone and unhappy than be in a relationship that makes me feel alone and unhappy and i stick to it
i get attracted to someone just by how they look not by how they are as a person
fools gold in other words
it really is a hard problem as i can understand just how much a heart can bleed feeling in need of someone to love them
but you have to get hard on yourself and look in the mirror honestly
it will not change over night but takes years of a new way to live in my view
i am told to get a dog or a plant and learn how to take care and love them first before i try it out on humans lol
there is some real good sense in that
i have had to do many things in my life to change as i was so much in need of another person to love me and it would fix me
through many failed relationships i learned i am so hard to please i want to much out of a person
in the end i got fed up of the pain and did something about me i started doing things i enjoy and make me happy and forgot all about needing someone in my life
but first i had to see it was me who had the problem and like all problems they can be over come but with a lot of hard soul searching work
its not easy to face up to how i am as i thought i was perfect and would be a great lover for anyone who was lucky enough to win my heart
i have good and bad parts about me like everyone does
i have had to learn what love really is and believe me its not what i thought love really is
for example
the idea of letting someone go to be with someone who they loved as i loved them would be unimaginable for me. as its not fair they should love me as i love them
so i had to face it, if i truely loved them then i would be happy for them that they have found the new love in there life, and just treasure the moments i had with that person
and let them go
wow what a tall order when your in love with someone and you will not let them go
but really that is what true love is
my love was a selfish love and i have to be rid of selfishness in my life to find happyness
or face it that i will not find love in my life the way i want it as no one can give it to me the way i want it so if i can not change then i have to accept being on my own rather than make someone else life unhappy with me
i have this saying now
i would rather be alone and unhappy than be in a relationship that makes me feel alone and unhappy and i stick to it
i get attracted to someone just by how they look not by how they are as a person
fools gold in other words
it really is a hard problem as i can understand just how much a heart can bleed feeling in need of someone to love them
but you have to get hard on yourself and look in the mirror honestly
it will not change over night but takes years of a new way to live in my view
i am told to get a dog or a plant and learn how to take care and love them first before i try it out on humans lol
there is some real good sense in that
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I truly believe that sobriety is the often painstaking journey where we learn to love ourselves. I certainly understand your perspective...deeply. We must learn how to "be there" for ourselves. Quite simply, it is our job first and foremost...no one else's. The great love you are awaiting...is within.
You are the one who is rejecting you.
You are the one who is rejecting you.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Sarajevo
Posts: 76
Good news
Originally Posted by misscostalot 
Recently I ahve been doing a bit of soul searching as to why I binge drink and have reached the conclusion that I have never really felt "loved" in my life.
As as the youngest child, I always felt that I was a mistake and consequently my mother and father had little time for me. My mother died when I was 21 and shortly after my sister (with whom I was extremely close.)
Even though I have had several relationships, I have never ever felt secure or attractive enough which has led me to binge drink to give me that stupid false air of confidence. Even when I like someone, I am convinced that they will never like me as much as I like them and they will just go off with someone else eventually anyway. The only way I can make these feelings go away for a while is through alcohol.
I have tried to talk about my feelings with a therapist before but it did not make any difference as I was never told what I should do to rid such feelings. I jsut feel so alone and wonder why at 33 I have not met the love of my life yet. . . I jsut get disappointed and let down.
So I suppose that is why I use alcohol as my crutch - to blank out these feelings for a while. Does it work? Only in the short term and then those feelings return ten fold.
Thanks for reading.
As as the youngest child, I always felt that I was a mistake and consequently my mother and father had little time for me. My mother died when I was 21 and shortly after my sister (with whom I was extremely close.)
Even though I have had several relationships, I have never ever felt secure or attractive enough which has led me to binge drink to give me that stupid false air of confidence. Even when I like someone, I am convinced that they will never like me as much as I like them and they will just go off with someone else eventually anyway. The only way I can make these feelings go away for a while is through alcohol.
I have tried to talk about my feelings with a therapist before but it did not make any difference as I was never told what I should do to rid such feelings. I jsut feel so alone and wonder why at 33 I have not met the love of my life yet. . . I jsut get disappointed and let down.
So I suppose that is why I use alcohol as my crutch - to blank out these feelings for a while. Does it work? Only in the short term and then those feelings return ten fold.
Thanks for reading.
Say, person X is convicted to die on electric chair. He wakes up, is led to the chamber but - lo and behold, there is a man at the door, who takes his cuffs off and says : you are free to go. Why - asks the man. Because someone has paid your penalty.
Someone else had to die, for this man to walk away free.
Well, you are that valuable and precious, that for you too - this man laid his life. He ransomed your freedom, for the price of his life.
That is what love is. Anything else below this standard - parents, husbands, wives, children - none of these can neither will lay their lives for you. That's why you haven't received it from them. they just couldn't give, what they did not have.
But son of man did it. He was :
spat at
mocked
ridiculed
attacked
However, he has also accomplished not only the liberation of your problems while you walk on earth, but has opened door to the heaven - eternal life.
That is who you are to look at, when you seek love. Talk to him. His name - Jesus from Nazareth, blessed be his holy name for ever.
Alcohol does not work and is simply bad fruit of satan's temptation. He - satan - packs peoples minds with stuff like this :
"Oh, everything is boring. You are not good enough. What on this earth shall make you happy. None loves you. You cannot do anything right ......"
But these are just thoughts. And - in order to clear them - you need someone much stronger from the spiritual world - to rescue you. Again, his name: Jesus from Nazareth.
Let me pray for you here quick:
Dear God, I am asking you to tell this person , that your word, consisting of letters in the scripture, is there with a purpose to set her free. But she doesn't know it yet. I am not even asking for a miracle - you will do that too - I am asking for sound, thorough, student-like, text reading of the scripture as a daily unchangeable habit. That will kick the enemy out and keep you - her redeemer in and thus - solve her problems. may you father also, please pass her the Today's English Version of the Bible ? since it is the easiest to read.
In Jesus name, amen
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by misscostalot
Recently I ahve been doing a bit of soul searching as to why I binge drink and have reached the conclusion that I have never really felt "loved" in my life.
As as the youngest child, I always felt that I was a mistake and consequently my mother and father had little time for me. My mother died when I was 21 and shortly after my sister (with whom I was extremely close.)
Even though I have had several relationships, Even when I like someone, I am convinced that they will never like me as much as I like them and they will just go off with someone else eventually anyway. The only way I can make these feelings go away for a while is through alcohol.
I have tried to talk about my feelings with a therapist before but it did not make any difference as I was never told what I should do to rid such feelings. I jsut feel so alone and wonder why at 33 I have not met the love of my life yet. . . I jsut get disappointed and let down.
So I suppose that is why I use alcohol as my crutch - to blank out these feelings for a while. Does it work? Only in the short term and then those feelings return ten fold.
Thanks for reading.
As as the youngest child, I always felt that I was a mistake and consequently my mother and father had little time for me. My mother died when I was 21 and shortly after my sister (with whom I was extremely close.)
Even though I have had several relationships, Even when I like someone, I am convinced that they will never like me as much as I like them and they will just go off with someone else eventually anyway. The only way I can make these feelings go away for a while is through alcohol.
I have tried to talk about my feelings with a therapist before but it did not make any difference as I was never told what I should do to rid such feelings. I jsut feel so alone and wonder why at 33 I have not met the love of my life yet. . . I jsut get disappointed and let down.
So I suppose that is why I use alcohol as my crutch - to blank out these feelings for a while. Does it work? Only in the short term and then those feelings return ten fold.
Thanks for reading.
1st off if yer still drinkin, yer gonna have to stop.it aint helpin any.
you say you haven't felt loved. maybe its your perception of how you should be loved that's a problem.
i believe there is a high probability that you don't love yourself. when you start loving yourself, you will feel more comfortable in your own skin, but that's gonna require stopping drinking, which by what ya type indicates you know alcohol is only a temporary solution.
you typed this:
I have never ever felt secure or attractive enough which has led me to binge drink to give me that stupid false air of confidence.
which is why i believe ya don't love yourself. insecurity and low self esteem,IMO.
now some suggestions how to change. one thing i think you should do is remember this wont be an overnight matter. its gonna take work on your part and take T.I.M.E.
look at yourself in the mirror. not at yer hair or the dust bunnies on yer shirt, but right into your own eyes. tell yourself you love yourself. keep doin it every time yer near a mirror. yup, that can be hard. i hated who i saw when i started doin it, but with action in changing me, and T.I.M.E. i truly believed i loved myself because i do( that doesn't mean i approve of my actions or thoughts all the time, but i still love myself).
what i did through this is look at myself to find out what made me tick. took a hard look at my past- all of my resentments, fears, and even lookin at my past relationships.-lookin at my conduct over the years. what did i do and how did it affect me? that took a bit to learn that, but i was astonished. there were a lot of character defects there, and in every instance, fear was involved in some form.
that's a good start for suggestions for ya. im sure others will have some good suggestions, but 1st things 1st-drinkin has to stop.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Originally Posted by Nuudawn
I truly believe that sobriety is the often painstaking journey where we learn to love ourselves. I certainly understand your perspective...deeply. We must learn how to "be there" for ourselves. Quite simply, it is our job first and foremost...no one else's. The great love you are awaiting...is within.
You are the one who is rejecting you.
You are the one who is rejecting you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Like others have said, a big part of my recovery journey was learning to love myself.
It's a very individual thing how one goes about that - I found my path was through doing service for others.
I found that once I loved myself I didn't need anyone to 'complete me' and my whole attitude to being loved changed.
Separately my partner and I are complete human beings...together we make a formidable team
D
It's a very individual thing how one goes about that - I found my path was through doing service for others.
I found that once I loved myself I didn't need anyone to 'complete me' and my whole attitude to being loved changed.
Separately my partner and I are complete human beings...together we make a formidable team
D
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
i am like dee i learned to love myself by doing service work and i still do service work and hope i never stop giving service as its the only thing i have found that brings me true happiness
i dont have a partner and dont want one either as i am truly happy on my own with just my kids
funny enough i went to a parents group for those who have lost a child and i was the only single parent in the group, they all had each other to lean on etc and i did feel odd but thats problerly the only time i have ever thought about having partner in my life
and i honestly would never believe i would be totaly content just being on my own as i was scared of having no one lol
but service work and helping others has been the huge key for me as i dont feel sorry for myself ever these days
i dont have a partner and dont want one either as i am truly happy on my own with just my kids
funny enough i went to a parents group for those who have lost a child and i was the only single parent in the group, they all had each other to lean on etc and i did feel odd but thats problerly the only time i have ever thought about having partner in my life
and i honestly would never believe i would be totaly content just being on my own as i was scared of having no one lol
but service work and helping others has been the huge key for me as i dont feel sorry for myself ever these days
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
I do think I basically love myself--it's just that I have never had my value reinforced in any of the most important relationships. I love myself--and I know the Lord loves me; but none of those earthly people who were most involved with me ever have thought I was worth a damn. Or if they loved me, they had a funny way of showing it. Thus, I often question myself. I dread seeming needy, but I feel I often am.
(Didn't mean to hijack!)
(Didn't mean to hijack!)
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
On some levels I can relate to your post, I used to drink myself into oblivion every night, didn't like who I was, didn't think anyone could really like me either, sat in front of the TV each evening after work, after pouring glass after glass I soon forgot all of it, I escaped into an inevitable black out without really caring whether I woke up the next morning or not, what would it matter?
My starting point as others have mentioned was learning to like myself, now I'm only 7 months in, so don't assume I've turned the corner completely, but I'm some way forward than where I was and that for us all is a stronger foundation than focusing outward and putting the emphasis on other people liking us, I think that will follow
My starting point as others have mentioned was learning to like myself, now I'm only 7 months in, so don't assume I've turned the corner completely, but I'm some way forward than where I was and that for us all is a stronger foundation than focusing outward and putting the emphasis on other people liking us, I think that will follow
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
Originally Posted by purpleknight
On some levels I can relate to your post, I used to drink myself into oblivion every night, didn't like who I was, didn't think anyone could really like me either, sat in front of the TV each evening after work, after pouring glass after glass I soon forgot all of it, I escaped into an inevitable black out without really caring whether I woke up the next morning or not, what would it matter?
My starting point as others have mentioned was learning to like myself, now I'm only 7 months in, so don't assume I've turned the corner completely, but I'm some way forward than where I was and that for us all is a stronger foundation than focusing outward and putting the emphasis on other people liking us, I think that will follow
My starting point as others have mentioned was learning to like myself, now I'm only 7 months in, so don't assume I've turned the corner completely, but I'm some way forward than where I was and that for us all is a stronger foundation than focusing outward and putting the emphasis on other people liking us, I think that will follow
i can still get flashbacks when sad songs come on the radio i tend to be drawn to them but i have the answer to deal with them now
i turn them off : )
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Luxembourg
Posts: 151
Thank you all for your replies to my post.
ahve always struggled with "self love" as I dont really know how to achieve this. I have always felt that the way I can love myself is if someone else does. . . and shows it. I am not a religious person at all and believe that it is down to me to fix this. . . I just don't know how to go about doing this.
Not drinking is the first step. . . will it help? I guess it can't hurt.
ahve always struggled with "self love" as I dont really know how to achieve this. I have always felt that the way I can love myself is if someone else does. . . and shows it. I am not a religious person at all and believe that it is down to me to fix this. . . I just don't know how to go about doing this.
Not drinking is the first step. . . will it help? I guess it can't hurt.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I think it's a vital first step...drinking was a source of shame guilt and self loathing for me.
Getting rid of that was fundamental to change.
Drinking like I did also coloured my perception of myself and my world.
It took a few months for that to wear off for me, but when it did I was amazed at how different my perception was of things
D
Getting rid of that was fundamental to change.
Drinking like I did also coloured my perception of myself and my world.
It took a few months for that to wear off for me, but when it did I was amazed at how different my perception was of things
D
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
Originally Posted by misscostalot
Thank you all for your replies to my post.
ahve always struggled with "self love" as I dont really know how to achieve this. I have always felt that the way I can love myself is if someone else does. . . and shows it. I am not a religious person at all and believe that it is down to me to fix this. . . I just don't know how to go about doing this.
Not drinking is the first step. . . will it help? I guess it can't hurt.
ahve always struggled with "self love" as I dont really know how to achieve this. I have always felt that the way I can love myself is if someone else does. . . and shows it. I am not a religious person at all and believe that it is down to me to fix this. . . I just don't know how to go about doing this.
Not drinking is the first step. . . will it help? I guess it can't hurt.
in fact i can put it down to my step 4 and 5 and dont worry about not being religious as i dont believe in god either and never will but i can still work the steps, just remove the word god in your mind and find something else to replase it with that you do believe in and for me it was aa as there the people who helped each day, there the ones i got all my answers from so it was easy to think i couldnt stop drinking on my own but when i went into aa i dont drink anymore so that was a power greater than me and its all you need
anyway doing step 4 and 5 nearly killed me and its been the closest i ever came to picking up a drink again
but it was the first time i had admitted to anyone all my bad things i had done in my life and it wasn't pretty either
after i did it the guy said to me now we forget all the past from today onwards
and from this day forward just try to not repeat the same things again
so be good from today on and each day you can
so thats what i agreed to do was just be as good as i can be
with doing good things in my life i started to learn how to care for other people
i worked with new comers and tried to help them instead of just going to a meeting to moan how bad i was feeling today i changed but i had to put the work in daily and keep on doing it when i didnt want to do it
after many years of this its now become a part of me its now part of my nature and i like it
hence i now see myself as a good person and i like myself for it
its hard work but totaly worth the effort
once we put the drink down then the real work comes into play
dont know if you can follow me with this post as i have just tried to show you how i have ended up liking myself today
there is no magic to it i dont change over night it takes a lot of time and work on myself to get there
now i truely enjoy what i do and i know i can still do bad things but it will not last long as my head will soon tell me i owe someone an apology etc but thats ok that normal living as before i would of done things wrong or upset people and never say sorry as it was there fauly or they deserved it lol
i hope it helps
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by misscostalot
Thank you all for your replies to my post.
ahve always struggled with "self love" as I dont really know how to achieve this. I have always felt that the way I can love myself is if someone else does. . . and shows it. I am not a religious person at all and believe that it is down to me to fix this. . . I just don't know how to go about doing this.
Not drinking is the first step. . . will it help? I guess it can't hurt.
ahve always struggled with "self love" as I dont really know how to achieve this. I have always felt that the way I can love myself is if someone else does. . . and shows it. I am not a religious person at all and believe that it is down to me to fix this. . . I just don't know how to go about doing this.
Not drinking is the first step. . . will it help? I guess it can't hurt.
Here are some other ideas. They may sound a trifle 'cheesy' - but let that go. Cheesy is OK.
Make a list of the things you like about you. Even if just one thing a day. Put that list on your mirror. Look at it. Really look at it. Let it sink in. Say the things out loud at yourself in the mirror. Ever read about that guy who put water in two different jars and every day said a loving or a mean thing to the jars? The water in the loving things jar configured itself into a beautiful and amazing fractalized configuration of molecules and crystals. The water in the mean things jar was twisted and distorted and pained-looking. What you say to yourself matters.
to that last point, begin to practice awareness. What are you saying / thinking to yourself throughout the day? what messages do you preach at yourself? Are you telling yourself positive things or negative things? When you catch yourself giving yourself negative self-talk, what can you do to flip it? Highlight two positives for ever negative.
open yourself to the love that IS there. Say it out loud. Say it to yourself in the mirror. "Today, I will be open to Love". Cheesy? Whatever... do it. You'll be amazed if you start doing this for a month or 90 days or a year what will happen. Be willing to see and hear the loving proof in your life. Be willing to see your value reflected in the eyes, the words, the deeds of those in your life who already care about and love you. Be willing to let that in. Write down what you see, hear and feel on your list. Celebrate it.
Too often we just wander through life, waiting for love to happen to us... wondering why we don't have it... and totally oblivious to that which is already there and how we ourselves are creating barricades.
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