Carlygirl

I have a drinking problem. My husband has a drinking problem. We have a young son who was long longed for and we have a good family life. We both have work and have not yet suffered significantly in terms of health, finance, relationships etc, because of drink.

But make no mistake. It is a problem. We drink every night. That is what we do together. It is very very difficult for us not to drink every night.

I am more motivated than he is to change, but he acknowledges the issue, we often talk of changing and there have been some hopeful/hopeless efforts and some committed and temporarily successful efforts. I have always driven then changes and have had significantly longer periods of sobriety than him.

In the respect of drinking, clearly, we are not good for one another, but he is a wonderful support in many other ways in my life. I will not give up on our marriage but need to find a better way to live. Otherwise........

I am posting not so much for advice, but to hear from others who are in or have been in relationships which are intertwined with alcohol. How is it? What has happened/changed/improved?

ScottFromWI

You can change for yourself and for your son. There is the issue of co-dependance, but if you truly want to make a change in your life and quit drinking you absolutely can. It won't be easy, but it can be ( and has been ) done many times by many people.

Have you had a serious conversation about actually quitting? Communication is going to be key, whether one or both of you decide to quit. Be honest and frank about your intentions and there's a good chance he'll try too. You need to be prepared that he wont though too - in which case you will need to set boundaries about what you need for your recovery to happen ( how much time you need, whether alcohol is allowed in the house, etc.. ).

Dee74

I know you'll hear from a lot of other people on this Carly.
It makes things tougher for sure, but it's not a dealbreaker.

I think we need to get sober for ourselves - maybe your husband will follow, maybe not - but do it for you, and the son you so wanted

There's always tons of support here

D

Raider

Wow Carly I could have written that a year ago. Exactly. Drinking every single night, until drunk. Every night without fail. It's what we did. After 14 years together, I decided to go to rehab. He didn't. He said he doesn't have a problem. I told him when I got out of rehab, all the booze needs to be gone. He said he is still going to drink. I went to rehab Oct 12, 2013. That was the last day HE had a drink. He got rid of the booze and stopped drinking. I got out of rehab in Nov and relapsed the same week. I finally stopped in February 2014. He still has not had a drink. Guess what, he isn't an alcoholic! Anywho, for you, someone needs to step up to the plate and take the first swing. That'll probably be you. Hopefully he will soon follow.

Alphabet

I'm currently in a similar boat. I'm trying to get sober and my fiancé still drinks (though we are no longer keeping it in the house). It's been difficult for both of us as he also has a bad drinking problem, though I'll admit, not as bad as I've gotten.

I'm hoping things get better for you and your husband, you guys aren't alone in this struggle <3

Coldfusion

My wife and I are horrible alcoholics. She had been to rehab and had two DUI's. We were bankrupt, and knew we needed to quit. I checked into detox for a week, then we both did ninety AA meetings in ninety days. We are still sober a year and a half later, and both holding down steady jobs.

AA and Al Anon would be good for both of you.

pinkynel

My husband and I both drink, but he doesn't acknowledge that he has a problem, and I do. I quit (he was totally supportive, but continued to drink, daily, hide it, go out for it, etc.) for a year. It was very difficult managing with a steady drinker in the house, and ultimately I gave up.

Naturally, my belief that I could manage my drinking was bunk, and now, 8 months after going back to it, I've quit once again.

I know that he feels I am the one with the problem, and I have to accept that, despite the obvious hypocrisy in his attitude. Maybe this time he will decide to stop drinking too, but it's doubtful.

Wish things were different. Don't know what will break down first this time, my resolve not to drink, or the marriage.

Thanks for bringing this up!

Jeni26

Yes...we both drank. I am an alcoholic. He has never identified himself as such though he drank for as long as me and in the same ways.

I gave up for me..he was really unhappy about that and upped his drinking for a while. I found it tough when he was drinking because of the way he drank not because I was tempted. He was loud and sometimes difficult, would drink to blackout and basically made my life pretty hellish for a while. I wasn't sure how to handle it really so I removed myself from situations physically and emotionally and we started to drift apart. He realised what was happening and it sort of came to a head one weekend after I relapsed.

I think it could easily have gone either way for us. I couldn't have continued to live the way I was. I never asked him to stop but he knew our relationship was on the line.

We are both 2 years sober now after a whole marriage of drinking together. We have had huge ups and downs in that time as we basically had no idea how to relate to each other or resolve disagreements without turning to a drink.

Life is good now. I am in AA, have a sponsor and work the steps. He doesn't have any support apart from me. We have both found a way that works. I'm not sure whether he was an alcoholic and it doesn't matter anyway. I know I am and I've found a solution that works for me.

I know lots of people who remain happily sober with a partner who drinks. We are all different. But yeah...happy endings do happen sometimes

Carlygirl

Thank you all so very much for the replies. So many different situations have been described. It makes sense, I suppose, different relationships, different outcomes.

I makes me hopeful that a way can be found to take back control and make solid change in our family. Thank you

sunnybaz

Hi Carlygirl. I'm newly sober 8 days today. First time I have attempted. I was drinking often and heavy when I met my husband which was part of why he fell for me - I was the quintessential party girl. That was 8 years ago. I've recently acknowledged that I have a problem. My husband continues to smoke dope and drink, though he does so in moderation. The pot is everyday but he drinks socially and rarely - I think I've seen him drunk a handful of times. Either way - I'd like for him to be more considerate of my situation. He can't read my mind, but I'm expecting that he'll be aware and considerate of my situation in support. I am upset that he drinks when we're out to dinner. I'm upset that he has friends over and drinks while I'm trying to be sober. I am upset that he is leaving me home alone at night and making other plans when I am still so new to breaking habits. I wish he was here right now. It's tough because I know I should own my sobriety but he is detached and unaware of my expectations. Expectations that I am not certain are realistic or even appropriate. It's messy, but this whole process is messy. I am just happy that I made it through another beautiful day and tomorrow will be even better. I wish you success in making decisions that are best for you both and individually.

ReadyAtLast

My husband and I always drank together. We also have a young son and when he was a baby I knew I had to stop. I quit 18 months ago. I never asked him nor expected him to quit as he doesn't have a problem. Though he drinks most nights he never gets drunk and it doesn't change him or his behaviour=a normal drinker.

Since I've quit he drinks less.At first it was difficult though it helped that he drinks a drink I don't like. Now it doesn't bother me. Our relationship has changed considerably but it is me that has changed. I needed to change for myself and to be a better mother.

Many people will say it isn't possible to get sober with a drinking partner but for me this is not true. He is and always has been supportive of me getting sober and never pressured me to just have one or go out etc otherwise that would have been totally different.