I don't think I'm going to make it
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Hey Daisy!
I think it would benefit you a lot to find a local women's only AA meeting. I adore mine. Those women really mean a lot to me. There's just something really wonderful that happens at my Thursday night meeting. We often go out for fellowship afterwards. I haven't gone out with them yet (usually run home for dinner) but i intend to soon. I pick my husband up after my homegroup meeting on Tuesdays and we go out fellowshipping after the meeting. Today, we went out for Pho and it was a blast.
I think having sober friends and activities is really important but it's only a part of the equation. I know i have to work with my sponsor, attend meetings, participate in service and meet for fellowship. I can't let any of those things lag or i totally get off my program. I tried to work AA my way for a while. Dipping my toe in, just going to meetings (arrive late, leave immediately after), not having a sponsor, reading the Big Book when i was feeling especially guilty...didn't exactly work out. Now, I'm molding my life around my sobriety instead of my sobriety around my life. It's making a huge difference!
I hope you get good news about your health. Whatever happens, see if you can find a women's group and check it out ASAP. Go out fellowshipping, share, listen and keep coming back.
I think it would benefit you a lot to find a local women's only AA meeting. I adore mine. Those women really mean a lot to me. There's just something really wonderful that happens at my Thursday night meeting. We often go out for fellowship afterwards. I haven't gone out with them yet (usually run home for dinner) but i intend to soon. I pick my husband up after my homegroup meeting on Tuesdays and we go out fellowshipping after the meeting. Today, we went out for Pho and it was a blast.
I think having sober friends and activities is really important but it's only a part of the equation. I know i have to work with my sponsor, attend meetings, participate in service and meet for fellowship. I can't let any of those things lag or i totally get off my program. I tried to work AA my way for a while. Dipping my toe in, just going to meetings (arrive late, leave immediately after), not having a sponsor, reading the Big Book when i was feeling especially guilty...didn't exactly work out. Now, I'm molding my life around my sobriety instead of my sobriety around my life. It's making a huge difference!
I hope you get good news about your health. Whatever happens, see if you can find a women's group and check it out ASAP. Go out fellowshipping, share, listen and keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 3,241
Hi Daisy,
How are you feeling today?
Maybe just a baby step of calling your doctor to set up an appointment? Or scooting to urgent care. You can keep it so simple and direct - "I know I've been drinking too much and I just vomited some blood. I plan to be/am done, but I need to make sure nothing's wrong." I am guilty of over-thinking doctor's visits, but when I finally fessed up they were totally un-fazed and just made a plan. No judgement or finger-wagging.
I hope you got some sleep! SR is a great tool - jump in here before picking anything up.
Hugs. 
How are you feeling today?
Maybe just a baby step of calling your doctor to set up an appointment? Or scooting to urgent care. You can keep it so simple and direct - "I know I've been drinking too much and I just vomited some blood. I plan to be/am done, but I need to make sure nothing's wrong." I am guilty of over-thinking doctor's visits, but when I finally fessed up they were totally un-fazed and just made a plan. No judgement or finger-wagging.
I hope you got some sleep! SR is a great tool - jump in here before picking anything up.
Hugs. Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Daisy forever:
Welcome to the website. Coughing up blood is serious and I'm sure lots of folks on this website are suggesting (maybe that's to mild a word) that you seek medical help immediately. It's matter of your survival. Others have made it back to sobriety from just where you are now and you can too. The stakes are very high but with help from doctors, counselors and others in recovery you can do this. We're here to help in any way we can.
W.
Welcome to the website. Coughing up blood is serious and I'm sure lots of folks on this website are suggesting (maybe that's to mild a word) that you seek medical help immediately. It's matter of your survival. Others have made it back to sobriety from just where you are now and you can too. The stakes are very high but with help from doctors, counselors and others in recovery you can do this. We're here to help in any way we can.
W.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Sarajevo
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by Daisyforever 
Here are the basics-
I am a 39 year old female. I’ve been drinking heavily since I was about 22.
I don’t drink during the day but I drink almost every night and have been for years. I can easily put away 8 to 12 beers. Things get especially painful if I decide to add a little rum or tequila into the mix.
I do hold down a day job, I actually like my day job (most of the time). I function pretty well at work but lately I have noticed cracks that can be seen beneath the façade. I’m sure if I notice it, others can too.
I’ve been married 14 years. We have no children. My husband used to be just a moderate drinker but his usage has also increased over time and he is almost as bad as I am (he’s also twice my size, if that gives you any idea how bad I am). We are “happy” drunks together. It has been a very rare occasion that we’ve ever fought while drunk. This makes it harder to quit.
I have made a few halfhearted stabs at AA over the years, but I always quit going after a few meetings. Nothing has really stuck with me but I know that is not AA’s fault. I have gotten down on my knees many times and prayed to God to please take this sickness from me, but nothing ever changes and then I start to think if God doesn’t care, why should I? (pathetic, I know)
It is terrifying to have your body and mind conspire against you to try to convince you that you must have something that will absolutely kill you. I betray myself over, and over, and over again. It’s terrifying.
I have very few friends who are not big drinkers. Honestly, I really have very few friends period. I used to have a lot of them but as time goes on I just don’t like to leave the house. I consider every request for my company a complete imposition on my drinking time, so I constantly turn down invitations or cancel at the last minute. I do this to family, too.
Last night I started throwing up bright red blood. Lots of it. That was a first. I was too drunk to really panic about it. I told my husband what happened, and he said, well maybe we shouldn’t drink for the rest of the week. He hasn’t even called me today to see how I am doing.
I am scared guys. I feel so hopeless. I'm not even 40 years old, and I feel like I might not be around much longer. It’s like a part of me wants help and wants to get well so bad but then another part of me wants to completely and totally self-destruct, all the time. It‘s horrible and sometimes I think it would be easier if I just wasn’t around anymore.
Daisy
I am a 39 year old female. I’ve been drinking heavily since I was about 22.
I don’t drink during the day but I drink almost every night and have been for years. I can easily put away 8 to 12 beers. Things get especially painful if I decide to add a little rum or tequila into the mix.
I do hold down a day job, I actually like my day job (most of the time). I function pretty well at work but lately I have noticed cracks that can be seen beneath the façade. I’m sure if I notice it, others can too.
I’ve been married 14 years. We have no children. My husband used to be just a moderate drinker but his usage has also increased over time and he is almost as bad as I am (he’s also twice my size, if that gives you any idea how bad I am). We are “happy” drunks together. It has been a very rare occasion that we’ve ever fought while drunk. This makes it harder to quit.
I have made a few halfhearted stabs at AA over the years, but I always quit going after a few meetings. Nothing has really stuck with me but I know that is not AA’s fault. I have gotten down on my knees many times and prayed to God to please take this sickness from me, but nothing ever changes and then I start to think if God doesn’t care, why should I? (pathetic, I know)
It is terrifying to have your body and mind conspire against you to try to convince you that you must have something that will absolutely kill you. I betray myself over, and over, and over again. It’s terrifying.
I have very few friends who are not big drinkers. Honestly, I really have very few friends period. I used to have a lot of them but as time goes on I just don’t like to leave the house. I consider every request for my company a complete imposition on my drinking time, so I constantly turn down invitations or cancel at the last minute. I do this to family, too.
Last night I started throwing up bright red blood. Lots of it. That was a first. I was too drunk to really panic about it. I told my husband what happened, and he said, well maybe we shouldn’t drink for the rest of the week. He hasn’t even called me today to see how I am doing.
I am scared guys. I feel so hopeless. I'm not even 40 years old, and I feel like I might not be around much longer. It’s like a part of me wants help and wants to get well so bad but then another part of me wants to completely and totally self-destruct, all the time. It‘s horrible and sometimes I think it would be easier if I just wasn’t around anymore.
Daisy
I have just about a minute ago responded to a similar post. My concern is for you to find the lasting solution but everything you attempted, did not seem to be successful.
Well, in this case I shall make my response concise. And it is a story. Here it is.
Story begins with a nation - people, who were rescued by God. People's name : Israel.
This God of theirs, blessed be his name, has told them what the red lights are: work for nobody else but for Him, since He is the best employer, don't do things that your mind-images suggest, since you will die from them, and so on.
However, just like anybody else on average, they did exactly the opposite of this light discipline: they set themselves up with some statues, fornicated before the statues, decided they did not need the "heavy discipline" and - were killed by the enemies in the end.
How does this translate to your case ? Easy. Your job is the statue you sacrifice before. Your mind - evil consequence of statue (idol) worship. Your habits (including alcohol) - your only reward.
Will kicking the alcohol out work ? it might for a while. But how about these idols, that you make daily sacrifices to ? What other evil fruit will they bear ?
That is how I view your situation.
Let me pray for you here quick:
Dear God. You are God of justice, but as well - you are God of mercy. Was it not you who rescued the woman, who was bound by satan for 18 years in that synagogue ? Was it not you, who silenced all the excuses and made her well ?
Jesus! I am asking the same for this woman here! Is she not your daughter too ? You promised you would be quick to respond to anything I ask. Well, I ask that you act, Father, and act quickly. If there is anything that must be stopped - I ask your hand to stop it. Anything that must be broken ? I ask that you break it. Anything to be healed ? I ask that you heal.
In Jesus name . Amen.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Hi Daisy,
Welcome to SR. Please go to an ER or doctor immediately & be honest. You have internal bleeding somewhere in your body. If they catch it in time you most likely can recover. I've lost several friends to this disease & they were all young, beautiful, talented, successful....It's so heart breaking.
Just go to the ER ASAP...please....this is NOT something to mess around with. I hope you care enough about yourself to live. God loves you & he put you on this earth for a reason. He has great plans for you! I'm sure you have many many people who love you....probably more than you love yourself right now. 39 is far too young to die. You can do this!!!!!!!!!! Xo
Please keep us posted!!!
Jen
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Welcome to SR. Please go to an ER or doctor immediately & be honest. You have internal bleeding somewhere in your body. If they catch it in time you most likely can recover. I've lost several friends to this disease & they were all young, beautiful, talented, successful....It's so heart breaking.
Just go to the ER ASAP...please....this is NOT something to mess around with. I hope you care enough about yourself to live. God loves you & he put you on this earth for a reason. He has great plans for you! I'm sure you have many many people who love you....probably more than you love yourself right now. 39 is far too young to die. You can do this!!!!!!!!!! Xo
Please keep us posted!!!
Jen
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 267
Daisy, so smart the way you broke down the hours in a day you spend drinking. Break the big problem into the smallest possible chunks and attack the chunks. Three hours is a movie and a nice long walk, bike ride, workout, or a few chapters of a great novel and a long bath, or so many things that can help bridge that gap til sleep time. Distract or pamper yourself for three hours then wake up clear-headed and proud in the morning. And please do give that urgent care option some serious thought, for peace of mind if nothing else.
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