Amester

So I had over a month clean (DOC's heroin, cocaine, and anything else I could get), and I stupidly allowed my Dr to prescribe me a benzo for sleep last week. I struggled with it from the first night and even posted here in an effort to stay strong yet the temptation was too much. The bottle of 30 I got on Thurs is already gone.

Honestly I'm glad it's gone, I don't want anymore and will not ask for anymore. They didn't get me high or do anything for me except eventually knock me out. But I'm an addict and I couldn't stop at one. One turned into three into five etc... It was a battle every night the last 4 nights, and even though my counselor and a close friend knew about it I hid it from my parents and live in boyfriend.

I fessed up to him this morning, which was incredibly difficult because he has zero understanding about addiction or recovery and zero compassion for me when I struggle with it at all. I understand why he was angry and disappointed, but he scolded me, shamed me, put me down, was sarcastic about it and really made me feel like garbage. I thought he would at least appreciate me admitting what had happened when I could have just kept my mouth shut and he would have never known a thing about it. But keeping that kind of secret would be bad for my recovery and for our relationship.

So I'm moving forward, it was a slip but doesn't need to turn into a full blown relapse. Today's a new day, I'm going for an early morning walk to get a coffee or something while he stays in bed hating me. Hopefully that will dissipate over the course of the morning. (and we have couples counseling tonight anyway).

Thanks for listening and being here for support and understanding, I've felt a lot less alone in all of this since finding this forum.

Gilmer

Good for you, Amester. Hope the couples counseling is fruitful tonight!

HeadLump

Hi Amester

I think it was very courageous to tell your BF and a real indication that you're determined to beat this. The couples counselling is a great move, too. Well done!

JimJim

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Amester

Thank you for the support and encouragement, right after the fight and writing this post I grabbed my headphones and took a nice 15 min walk to Burger King and got a breakfast meal with a large coffee. Now I'm just hanging out here with my coffee and surfing SR. I was really hurt and upset and now I feel better.

But my question is, was that healthy coping? Or did I just run away and eat my feelings? I feel like I handled it well but I'm learning that I don't always realize when I'm reacting inappropriately to things so I thought i'd ask you guys for a little feedback.

mayabee

Taking a walk and grabbing breakfast and coffee sounds like a good way to clear your head. Sometimes a change of scene, even if it just involves going to another room or outside for a bit, can help put things in perspective. Sorry to hear about your slip but sounds like you have learned from it and are determined to move forward.

Gonnachange

I'm new here so I'm reluctant to offer advice, but I see nothing wrong with a change of scenery to help cope and gain some perspective.

Anna

I think getting out of the situation was a good idea and having a walk and breakfast was also helpful.

I hope that the couples counselling goes well for you.

applecake

Amester, taking a walk, getting some air, and getting breakfast is a much healthier coping mechanism than many I can think of. Good job!

Please try to focus on what you are doing right and don't spend too much time dwelling on put-downs or shaming from folks who have no idea what you are going through. Acknowledge the slips, but learn from them and move forward. For me, it was too easy to get caught up in a cycle of using -> shame -> self-loathing -> using -> and so on...

Dee74

I'm glad you're moving forward Amester

D

FeenixxRising

Thanks for the update Amester; I'm glad you're back on steady ground.

I believe your boyfriend really needs to get on board with your recovery. I hope the counseling helps, but IMO he should be educating himself about addiction and the importance of support in recovery. I get it that he may be angry and frustrated with your recent activities, but there are better ways to approach you and help you without putting down and making things worse than they are. It's very hard for me to understand why someone who cares for you isn't taking a more proactive role in understanding your situation.

least

I think you did a good thing, getting out of the situation and doing something healthy as well.

Amester

Well just got home from our first couples session and I LOVE this counselor! He is very knowledgable and understanding about addiction/recovery and what I'm going through. He used to work at a Suboxone program and I believe he's a recovering addict himself. I felt very validated, he even correctly guessed some of my recent feelings, behaviors and experiences before I got around to talking about them!

At the same time he was very understanding and compassionate towards my bf and the struggles he's facing in all of this. And he's approaching our situation in an interesting way. Instead of focusing on my bf and I understanding each other better he is suggesting that we make the whole addiction issue a smaller part of our relationship. He's encouraging me to start seeking out interests and activities that have nothing to do with recovery and are just fun. And our homework is to spend a few hours each day apart, doing our own things. And to also try to find some fun, healthy activities to do together outside of the house like go to the movies.

We definitely have work to do as a couple and I have plenty of work to do on myself but I'm actually excited about it. I put so much effort into being an addict for so many years, now it's time to redirect all of that energy into having a real life.

FeenixxRising

Glad the session went well.