killerinstinct

I'm so upset, I had to see my ex husband over the last week or so and he is looking great, functioning really well, is sober, gorgeous and clearly over me and moving on with his life. I am heartbroken because what this says to me is ... I was the reason we fought and he drunk so much and went on benders.. to the point where I couldn't take his drinking so we broke up and broke our family up.. and that was the catalyst for him getting better... so why then if he is better now can't he work on resorting our family? He says its because the whole experience was too painful and I am the reason why he ended up in rehab! What about me...!! I was the one that was pregnant and struggling.. and working full time up until my son was born and then waited by the side line for him to recover... 15months on he's a new man, I'm a new women.. but I still love him and we have a toddler together... it seems to me he never wanted his son or me from the looks of things. why is he sober now!! It hurts so much!!! And it seems like his sobriety is going to last!! This has to be all my fault.

Thepatman

I'm really sorry about your situation. It must be aweful.

Difficult this is to comment on. If he's still blaming you, and did not make amends and apologizes to you then he's not recovering in my humble opinion. He's just a dry drunk. Specially with a baby involved.

So I say value yourself, love yourself and live your life.

Be kind to yourself

IOAA2

Hi Killer.
WOW, the power you have! next I suppose he'll say you forced him to lay on his back and you poured alcohol into his mouth making him swallow it. Boy the alcoholic mind/not.
My suggestion for you is to join in the Friends and Families forum on this site and face to face meetings at Al Anon. This suggestion is to hopefully help your sanity.

BE WELL

Dee74

Hi Killerinstinct

I'm sorry for your pain but I'm not buying what he's saying - no one causes alcoholism.

You put up with a lot of stuff for 3 years - you walked out for the good of yourself and your son. That was a brave and courageous choice.

If he's moved on, I think you owe it to yourself to make another brave and courageous choice and do the same, or risk more heartache.

You have the chance to build a new life now - I hope you'll take it

I hope you will stay posting here, maybe visit our Family and Friends forums as well, and maybe think about AlAnon as extra support?

D

countrysidegirl

Hi killer

He sounds like a right piece of work......your better of without him I would say.

I know its hard when your madly in love with someone and the feelings are not returned...

the best thing you can do is move forward with your own life, I know you will always have a connection as you have a child but try and move on

Hold your head up high, do things you like doing, meet new friends, maybe when he sees that your also doing well he may want to try again even if this does happen as much as it may be tempting I wouldn't get involved with him again

a lot of us are in relationships that are toxic, the only way we can move forward and grow is by starting a new

I wish you all the best

charlotte xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tamerua

Killer, I'm sorry to hear that. But what a crock of shite from him. He is he reason he was in rehab and honestly is he can't take owe earshot, maybe it is better that you all are apart now. It is tough, I raised my son for 5 years just him and me. But not having warped thinking around has to be better for the little one. Sending hugs.

biminiblue

I know I don't have that kind of power - to cause another to drink, to cause him to destroy his family. No. That's on him.

I agree that AlAnon or a few sessions of counseling would be helpful for you to see that you did the right thing. It's about doing the right thing and then letting go of the outcome. That's what you did. He did get sober, so something good came out of this for your son's father.

Hawkeye13

Maybe losing his family finally was the thing that was his bottom.

Maybe this was his salvation

Depends how you look at it, but drinking or not drinking or drugging is always a personal choice and not "forced" by someone else.

Timmah

My ex and I had a really nasty divorce. I wasn't a drinker back but started heavily afterwards. She took our daughter and moved to another state. She tried very hard to keep me away from.

Shortly after we separated, she started dating a lot. Within 2 months after the divorce was final, she remarried. The new guy was a total immature narcissist. He was verbally abuse to her and our daughter. My daughter got fed up and said she wanted to move back to me. They kicked her out and she was here 2 days later. She was half way through 8th. I had a one bedroom apartment and little money. I gave my daughter the bedroom and I slept on the couch. Over the last 6 years, my ex has called her about 5 times and seen her once.

Fast forward to today. She is 18, in college, has a job and a car. I have a large two bedroom apartment and make good money.

The reason I'm telling you all of this is I know the struggle. My ex and I were together from age 16 to 36. When we split, I chose to live in a bottle instead of moving on. I regret it. I am now putting in the work and one thing I've learned and accepted is that we cannot control other people. We can only change ourselves.

To end this, we found out recently my ex is getting divorced again and already started dating.

Anyway, I hope my story helps you a little. Take care and be good to yourself and son.

pavaoiztarza

Hi,

I am sorry this is happening. From my experience, people's front office is far too different from their back office. Honestly, if someone is very happy and acting out "happy" then it signals me - they really aren't. Truly happy person would have compassion and understanding for you. You just encountered the heart of stone, meaning he might have done it for reasons known to him only.

But, regardless of that, I believe you are seeking a firm rock to stand upon. In other words, if old issues in relationship with your ex-husband rise again, wouldn't the repetition be double-trouble ? This rock is not found, will never be found and it simply does not exist within other people. While both of you swim in turbulent waters, one must swim out to the rock. Do you want to be that one ?

May I ask a question ? Has there been a formal divorce ? Like going to the court ? if yes, who filed for it ?

Also, what is your profession ? Are your parents alive ?

Since I know divorce is heart-splitting experience, let me pray for you here real quick :

Dear Father, you paid the most precious price for our peace and happiness. And yet, here is the case of people suffering. Was it not you who said "I came so that they may have life in full" ? I claim your promises of peaceful heart for this lady and her child. I ask that you lead her to this firm rock, from which she can understand her turbulence and make her powerful according to your promise from 2nd Timothy 1:7. Then, once she is there, may your perfect will be done in her family.

In Jesus name, Amen

Nuudawn

I am reminded of an old AAism ...something bout sobering drunken horse thieves..
You can sober a horse thief...but he's still a horse thief..or something like that.
Just because he's sober doesn't mean he's right in the head.
He could still be a jerk.
Sorry...bout only an immature, victim mentality could blame their addiction on someone else.
I'm so sorry that he's laid this on you..but don't take it. It's hogwash.

Goodness gracious what a terrible thing to do to someone...
Abandon them...AND blame them for it.
Diabolical.

Aellyce

Killerinstinct, it sounds to me that while your ex may be sober and superficially looking and doing well, he probably has not worked on himself and his recovery enough yet. That attitude (if he says those things to you) cannot be authentic. If I were you, I would not want to get together with him again as long as he feels and talks this way. Even for the child - sometimes it's better to have a single parent than two parents with dishonest relationship where one party or both suffer.

I even suggest that you limit your interactions with him as long as he speaks like that because it just reinforces your sadness. Look ahead instead, try to connect with others that have a healthy mindset and don't blame their problems on other people!

EndGameNYC

There's your answer. There's nothing in it for you to figure out why the marriage is no longer viable, except to the extent that it helps you to work on whatever it is you feel that you contributed to the demise of the relationship. He obviously contributed to the failure of your marriage but, at the very least, he's no longer interested in rehabilitating the relationship.

I'm very sorry about your heartbreak, and I don't mean to be flip. It's never easy to see our beloved move on and apparently get to a better place while we're still struggling. I've been there more than once, and I don't know any kind of despair that even comes close to that kind of a living hell. We can either dig in, or we can move on. For me, I dug in and lost valuable time and experience in my life by staying much too long. Before I got sober many years ago, I was married to a woman with whom I was hopelessly in love. My drinking drove our relationship to the gutter. She didn't waste much time waiting for life to happen to her following the divorce. She moved to D.C., and in a very short time had a hugely successful career. She soon married one of the world's leading cardiologists, moved with him to a mansion on the beach in Hawaii, and started a family. Meanwhile, I continued to drink and works as a bartender.

If he's not drinking, he's not drinking. If he's sober, he's sober. Measuring his happiness has nothing to do with your own recovery. You either want to move on with your life, or you don't. And if you do, you need to take certain actions to accomplish your goals.

We are all and always at different stages in our sobriety, and comparing yourself to someone who hasn't been drinking for fifteen months is not helpful. There are significant differences between people who've gotten sober and those who continue to drink. And, sometimes contrary to popular belief, there are also generally significant differences between people who've been sober for a year or more and those who've been sober for ninety days or a few months. Though your husband's comments may be hurtful to you, the only thing he owes you right now is the honesty of his feelings.

What happens next is up to you.

Anna

I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling over this. It sounds like, for whatever reason, your husband decided to change his life and recover. I'm glad that you are sober and recovering and I hope that you can begin to accept the situation as is. If it was me, I would be using the Serenity Prayer often.

EndGameNYC

I forgot to add the good part. Since the divorce, I've earned two masters degrees, a PhD, and built a life that I loved. I interrupted that with a devastating three-year relapse beginning three years ago, during which I lost virtually everything and everyone dear to me in life, and which included another episode of serious heartbreak. Even after all that, I was able to pick up and rebuild. I don't know that I've ever been happier.

least

I hope you can move on without him. He sounds like a jerk to me.

Aellyce

Oh gosh, folks.... reading these stories makes me feel weird. It's because in my own life so far, it was me who did the "moving on" several times... and to be honest only one of these were super difficult for me. This is something I asked myself a million times, why: is it a healthy sense of what's good for me and that I tend to prioritize my well-being, or is it a form of commitment phobia (something driven by fear in some cases), or a combination of the two? Is it selfish or not? Complex question for me and there is a lot more to it than just relationships.

In any case, it is the here and now, the present, that tends to make me think it's not truly an issue with commitment, because there is a situation in my current reality (not relationship but my work situation) where I feel extremely committed and ready to tolerate a lot of things and compromise because in the big picture realm it is fantastic and feels ideal. I've been a sort of haunted soul until a few years ago in many ways, and I no longer feel that way regarding wanting to be more settled. And it's not simply sobriety/recovery, I truly feel that I'm in my ideal situation. At least as far as I can imagine, perhaps there is more to it that I'll experience in the future, that I cannot know. And because of this experience, I tend to believe the same is possible with relationships... so why put the bar low and accept anything than what feels right and really meaningful? I think sometimes it's really worth following our instincts in these choices and in terms of commitment.

Verte

Killerinstinct - What terrible pain you must be feeling. Big hug to you.

I'm really not a fan of anyone in any shared life situation blaming the bad or uncomfortable on another person while taking personal credit for all the feel good, successful experiences. It takes two to tango.

Despite the terrible aching, it is very heartening to know that since you are no longer together, you now have the opportunity to take all the good things from the past relationship with your EX, learn to let go of all the bad and painful, and move on to live life in the best way possible. And you get to learn along the way.

While all of what you feel, the love for you EX, the sense of loss for the family you were, is totally legitimate, sucks, aches, hurts...you get to be you now! Without having to focus or put any energy into his stuff any longer, ever again, should you choose.

Love is powerful. So are you. Put every ounce of energy into you and your son. You have the capacity to love greatly...this is a fabulous thing...turn it inward and be patient with yourself.

Just echoing the sage advice offered already. More hugs to you.

Aellyce

I have another thought to add to this discussion. That whatever the fate and outcome of a relationship becomes in the long run, I think the time spent together always remains an imprint in us, whether positive or negative (usually mixed). I think as we move on and experience new things, many of these older "imprints" help us appreciate the present better, often render us capable of being better partners than before, and help find new dimensions and beauty in the connection with another person (or others in general).

There is an old movie called 'Shadowlands' (with Anthony Hopkins and Debra Winger in the main roles) that transmits beautifully the power of the flow of time and events, and the inevitable nature of transience including all the pain it can cause in every present. I really recommend it for those that like to see and experience 'depth' in relationships.

So, many of our past highs and lows are not lost at all - they can move on with us (in us) to contribute to previously unforeseen and unimagined possibilities. Maybe look at it this way