Heading to an AA meeting tonight.
 

I've been to few before. I've read The Big Book thrice over it aint gonna help me. This one is a bus ride away though, so there will be some new folks. I'm just hoping to make a friend or something you know, I don't have a mobile phone though, I'm so damn off the social map, I have drank myself out of society. It's an incredibly beautiful day here, this room here stinks and I've stared at these damn walls far too long. I haven't been there before so it will be paths untrodden, at least.

But there will be new smiling faces I imagine. I think this is a good thing Jim. Getting out from behind those walls can't be a bad thing.
I was chatting with a counsellor in my office building yesterday..just a casual conversation rather than professional but we did talk bout addiction. He said the best advice he has ever come across in this respect is..
Just keep quitting...
Nothing wrong with using old tools in the process..
I've to have been to AA and found good stuff there. Had the Big Book given to me twice and read both times.
I joined SR initially in 2006..

I think this is a real good thing Jim. Congratulations.

Well done, Jim. I'm sure you'll find a friend - and more besides! :hug:

mm that's what I think, It can never be bad to meet new people I think.

I have been drinking though, which isn't so good. I desperately need to make something change, though.

I can never describe my self hatred and lack of self worth enough here on SR.

I know I'm posting a load of bollucks again.

Hear my shrill. I guess that's what this is again. Listen to this whine from this stinkard **** hole. A man can't hate himself more. The 48 bus awaits, all aboard the drunken express, destination: A company of minds trapped in living hell.

Good luck Jim

Just go Jim.

I will never tell anyone what works for them. I only know what helped me. I'm one of those that can find something in pretty much anything. I can let other people do what they need to do and even if they are the type that feel the need to tell me what they think I need to do I still just chalk it up to that's what they need to do.

I will say. I always found something in any book or any meeting that was worth me paying attention too. If nothing else, I went to some meetings at first when I was feeling pretty lonely and sad. And I ended up not so much trying to learn something. I ended up just feeling something. A lot of times sheer compassion for someone else who felt just as lost and heartsick as I did at the time. That's was more than worth the trip. I didn't feel alone.

I had to start somewhere. And my starting was anything that just kept me from picking up a drink at first. And I mean anything. There was just no way around that I had to stop drinking. Do whatever I had to do to not pick one up when it was screaming to be picked up and then worry about finding some meaning later. For me that was about 60 days. For about 30 days, I just focused on not drinking. After about 30 days, I had a little energy to take on trying to find something that gave me a purpose to keep going because that's when the roller coaster ride hit. 60 days? I started to see the possibility I could do this.

Just me. Nobody but me. I just know it isn't easy at first. I know what it feels like want to stop so badly but just can't seem to do it. I had 15 years of that.

I also know it can be done. Not because I did it but because I'm doing it. I don't think in one day at a time much but I do just try to live one day at a time. I find it more manageable on most things anyway. Doesn't even have to be the not drinking. Heck, if I think of how long it will take me to clean my closet, I can get overwhelmed. I'm better off just taking on what I can get done today. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

(((Hug))) to JimJim

I am a jester! I could easily have been in another time. I shall step forth out of this drunken den and I'm on my way. Toodledoo for now. Sobreity awaits!

Good luck Jim. You know what you need to do, this is a step in the right direction and i'm glad to hear you are taking it.

Don't overthink the simplicity of the situation - you need to stop drinking and AA can help. Go get help.

Preaching to the choir buddy.
I think I might like you better than I like me.
Glad you're off to the meeting.

I can relate, hate myself so much now, for some reason I just constantly want to destroy everything in my life. I take 1 drink and throw away 4 days. It's lunacy. I'm thinking of heading to a meeting too, if just to meet and talk with others that have the same problem.

I think many of us, myself included can understand the self loathing you are describing.

I noted that you have read the big book and decided its of no use to you.

I would mention that it is for people in recovery, and you are still drinking.

There is much wisdom in that book, despite my prior insistence to the contrary. I have rediscovered it, only with a year + of sobriety. Its amazing how perspective changes.

Maybe quit for a while, have someone with more experience in sobriety help walk you through things?

Glad you are going to a meeting. There will no doubt be good people there.

The fact that you come back here and that you are willlnig to go to a meeting means that there IS hope for you, IMHO.

You might hate yourself now, but you can BECOME someone you respect again.

JimJim, ((hugs))

I know that feeling of self hatred and lack of self worth that you talk about. You know, it's a false feeling, really. We all have worth.

You are not posting bollox, not at all.

I hope you made it to the meeting and are feeling at least a bit better. :grouphug:

Jim, wish you best of luck at the meeting.

Self-hatred...Been there far too long. Dosn't lead nowhere, doesn't help anything.

Make a first step. Doesn't matter how tiny and awkward it can seem to you. It still will be the start of new life.

Take care of yourself.

Hi Jim, there is nothing worst for your mental health than being holed up in a area for too long, when we drank that was ideal because we could hide away to fulfil our needs but when we are actively trying to remain sober it is far too hard on us to simply spin our wheels, best to get out and keep busy if and when possible, especially if it's a nice day outside as there not too many of those in the UK.
Good luck Jim.

I posted this? Pretty cringe worthy stuff. I made it to the church where the meeting was supposed to take place but there wasn't one there. The AA site clearly needs updating.

They had some chickens and rabbits that enticed me out back though, I ended up passing out there in a hedge for a while, got rained on a lot too while I was out. Woke up in a sorry state, I don't remember much of getting home. That will be a story to recall when I'm answering one of those surveys 'Do you have a problem with alcohol?'

Seriously though, I need to draw a line under the past and move. I need to get out there, job, friends.. human contact. I blew my last life away like a fart. I've drank myself into a pretty crap place. I'm convinced I have tunnelling thoughts my thinking is all wrong. I know it's all out there for me though, I just don't see it. I gotta make it happen.

Gonna take a break though from SR 'till I put the drink down. I've struggled with it more recently. Making a plonker of myself.

I want what you all got though, you know. I'm amazed when I read people that are on day 3, people that have a week. The people that no longer even think about drinking.

I better go again.. I'm getting too anesthetized to think again. I'm tapering with beer and water though. When I wake up next time the plan is to to anything BUT drink. As old Marcher friend Northlander suggested ( yeh I do read and value every post) go for a walk somewhere. Anything BUT drink when I wake up.

Don't give up on AA Jim - its a great way of connecting with real life people who can give you real life help.

why not ring someone and get an up to date meeting schedule?

D

Yep. I don't disagree.

Good stuff Jim, you can do this.

It's not easy, but if I managed to be at day 12 today, then you can also.

But you must want sobriety more then drink. You have to pack at least a week before your thinking pattern starts to change.

Mmm this. I know I gotta do it. It seems massive and impossible though. I know once I've conquered the fear to do it though the rest will seem like a clear path in comparison