how it started
 

At the age of 19 I graduated from school and moved away. I came back up to Ohio some time later (the before part is long story too I'll save that for another time.) But I had faced sexual abuse and had to get away from there. After about 6 months of being up here I slipped into a very deep depression and tried to commit suicide. I was in the hospital for four days. After being released I got a job at a hotel. I befriended a guy who bought me alcohol and I would stash it under my bed and I drank a drink or two before bed most nights. After about 5 months of working there I had decided to start stripping. I wasn't allowed alcohol but of course still managed to get it. I didn't really start drinking heavily until I was 22 and also smoking pot. I created a routine so I wasn't ever sober. I'd smoke before work go to work when my high wore off I'd start drinking soon I was drinking until I blacked out. Once I passed out on a glass I dropped. I was lucky I had no scratches or cuts but after that I still kept drinking heavily every night I worked. I would be happy at work but at home I was a monster. And often didn't smoke again because I'd pass out at home. Then one night I got so drunk and so beligerant I didn't drink again. I have drank since but not like that. And I stay away from whiskey completely. Not saying I should be drinking at all but I've certainly stopped the routine and rarely drink. Mostly social situations. Anyways but after that I bought a bong and that is when pot became my problem. I had smoked but not like this the hits were so big sometimes I felt I was gonna pass out from the hit and coughing but I loved it. It was like heaven. I would get not just high but blown constantly. I even got a real job and lost it because I'd get blown before work. I felt stupid and I stopped smoking for a month or so. I went to work at another club and started smoking again and it took hold even worse. I quit working at that club because of the mistreatment and I kept smoking even at the expense of finding a job to pay bills. My fiance couldn't deal with it and gave me an ultimatum. So I quit. I've been sober for almost a month now. It is still hard but I do want to get better.

Congrats on your month sober! Excellent job.

You have been trough a lot. Therapy might be a good idea. Just to dig out the root causes. Just saying ;-)

Well done on your month of sobriety

Thank you both for the support it means a lot to me. I know the root is covering up emotions and I have to learn how to deal with them. I have tried therapy but maybe with some new insight I could try it again and be successful. I just find it difficult because no one wants to work with victims compensation and I can't afford it otherwise.

Thanks for sharing a little of your story wishinghope. A month is great news - congratulations :)

I found the longer I was clean and sober the clearer my perception got and the more capable I felt to deal with some very old issues.
I hope the same will hold true for you too wishinghope :)

D

I'm sorry for the pain you've gone through Wishing. Be proud of that 1 month sober - we know how hard it is to get there. :)

I guess I haven't given myself a lot of credit. I haven't been able to find a job its been a drag. It's hard to learn how to function in the normal sober world. And my fiance needs my help paying bills so its kind of been depressing not being able to find a job or even look for a job. Why is it so hard for me? But I did look for exaddict employment support services. I sent a message and heard back from someone who is going to have someone else who can help me contact me. So hopefully I can get the help I need.