Amester

I'm on day 38 clean and I don't think I'm going to see day 39. My drugs of choice are heroin and cocaine but I've used and abused every substance I could get my hands on over the last 10 years. This is my millionth time trying to get clean and I don't often make it longer than a few months if that.

In a nut shell, I'm living with my parents and boyfriend after they yanked me out of my apartment in the city last month and told me to get clean or my dad would get two psychiatrists to have me locked up. I've been doing great until I let my Doctor prescribe me a benzo for sleep yesterday. We thought I could handle it to just take at night for sleep. Well I took an extra dose last night. And tonight everyone has plans, in an hour I'll be here alone allll night. Alone with a bottle of benzos and, by the way, a house full of booze. Rum, wine, beer, etc... It's everywhere.

I can't get the idea of popping a few pills and washing them down with a few drinks out of my head. I know exactly how I could do it so no one would notice anything missing, they'd never have to know. That's the crap I'm telling myself.

I know exactly what I should do. Tell my parents or boyfriend I don't feel safe here, have them hold my rx and just give me the appropriate dose before bed each night, or flush the script altogether, or pray or read recovery literature or a million other things to stop this from happening. (a meeting is not an option I have no transportation and am stuck in the suburbs, and I already have my 2 main recovery friends on alert about this)

But I don't want to do any of that, I just want to use. Maybe posting this is stupid, I just felt like I needed to get it out that I'm feeling like this.

Tamerua

Hiya Amestar, I don't think posting here is stupid at all.

I think you do know that flushing the pills and telling your family is probably the best option. Is there any kind of meeting you can get to near you for support (NA or Life Ring or anything recovery related?) telling on yourself is the best thing for you.

Close out #38 sober! And congrats on the 38 days.

least

I agree with having them hold your scrip and give it to you as prescribed. As to the booze, I hope you won't give in to the urge to drink.

FeenixxRising

I'm glad you posted. Tell your family, and give them the pills now. You will thank yourself tomorrow. And post here every minute if you have too.

Please make it to 39 days, you can do it, and you will be proud of yourself.

doggonecarl

I understand the struggle of trying to withstand the constant barrage of thoughts of using. Stop the Rx. Better sleeplessness than lighting the fire of addiction.

What are you doing for your recovery besides denying yourself access to drugs? Are you getting any face-to-face support?

I understand your families concern for your safety, and I am sure the threat to you to get clean or get locked up was well intentioned. But until you want to get clean, for yourself, you are bound to struggle.

Hope you stay strong and accept that recovery is the right path.

Anna

Your family is offering support, so let them know you are struggling a lot right now.

I hope you get through the night.

hopeful4

I hope you reach out. Good for you for posting here.

Do you really want it to come to this? Mixing benzos with alcohol can be very dangerous.

Please stay clean....for you.

Good Luck!

FeenixxRising

I really don't understand why doctors would prescribe Benzo's to someone in recovery. I would call your Dr. and ask him if you can flush the pills. Not sleeping well sucks, but it will come, and there are safer ways of handling the issue.

I prefer a sublingual Melatonin. You put it under your tongue to dissolve, so it works faster and better than Melatonin you swallow. I'll PM you the brand I've used and found effective.

Jupiters

I was thinking the same thing about this. Why benzos to someone who is trying to recover?
My Dr prescribed zopiclone to help me sleep when I went to detox, she gave e enough for 10 nights, I used 7 and told the ppl there to chuck the rest.

I also use melatonin and find it helps. It took a couple days though for me...and valerian root is another natural sleep aid.
I agree with everyone in telling your family that you do not feel safe there alone. It may be the best thing you can do for yourself.
keep posting! you can make it to day 39.

Amester

Ok I have a strategy, I'm going to play the postponement game. I just started an episode of Grey's Anatomy, I'm not going to use until it's over. I'm going to make an iced latte and try out the arcade on here and watch my show. Then I'll reevaluate the situation when it's over. If I want to use still then I'll find another show and play the game again, and again and again all night if I need to. Might sound rediculous but I think it's worth a shot, better than just giving in to the urge right now like I want to!

Jupiters

anything that is going to get you past the urges is a step in the right direction. I play that game as well.
you can do this.

FeenixxRising

Substitute junk food for the booze and pills if you have to. Then go to bed early. Tomorrow will be a new day.

OpioPhobe

Amester - I think you should look for the easiest avenue to avoid using. You have already been able to speak about it with your recovery friends. If you can't tell your family yourself can you ask one of them to speak to your family, and explain the situation? That may take the anxiety over saying the right thing to your family out of the equation.

This may be an unorthodox way of saying it, but why the benzos and booze? Are you really craving the benzos / booze or are you craving the H / coke and that is the only thing available? If you are craving the H / coke I don't see what benzos and booze are going to do. The booze is going to cause a wicked hangover in the AM for one thing. It would be real easy to tell yourself in the morning that you already screwed up and that the benzos and booze didn't do it for you. That assumes that you wake up at all, which is far from a given. Bam - you go out and get back on the H / coke train again. I am not in any way saying that the benzos and booze are OK, but it just strikes me as apples and oranges.

Amester

The benzo thing is my fault, I think I manipulated her into giving it to me. I've been manipulating prescriptions out of her for the whole 17 years I've been her patient, it's like 2nd nature now. Not good. I didn't even do it intentionally this time I don't think.

Amester

I had to think about this for a few mins. No I'm not craving H or coke, they're not even on my mind. I no longer have any connections for either of those anyway, they're not even an option these days. The benzo craving is simply becuz I have them. I've lived with the alcohol this whole time and rarely had any cravings for it, I think that craving is coming from my bad habit of liking to mix substances. And I am aware that the combo is quite dangerous. So is mixing H and cocaine but that never stopped me. I have that false addict delusion that overdoses only happen to other people, people who don't know what they're doing.

So it's 6:30, haven't caved yet, Grey's just ended. Honestly the alcohol doesn't sound so good anymore but snorting a few pills still does so I'm putting on the next episode (I have a bunch on my DVR). I found a game on my iPad that is teaching me Spanish so that's keeping my brain relatively busy. If its not too annoying to anyone I'll check back in a little later with an update. It's helping keep me accountable.

Tetra

I hope you are feeling better x

I have been in your shoes. I take a small amount of klonopin at night as I have had seizures in the past. It is prescribed by my neurologist and I am under strict supervision.

You are doing the right thing. I gave all my tablets to my dad and he used to give me the prescribed amount at night, until I felt strong enough to take care of myself. Now I keep it in my desk drawer and I am okay with it.

When I first got sober, I spent hours in my room watching comedies, Frasier, Big Bang Theory etc. It really helped get over the first few weeks. Life is sweeter now that I am not sneaking around and lying.

Praying for you. You are not alone xx

Dee74

Many nights I was convinced I would drink - SR got me through - let us help you too Amester

Have you seen this link - there maybe something helpful for you in there:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html


One of the best things about recovery for me was taking back control of my own life. I'd been a mental teenager for way too long.

I knew the person I wanted to be - strong, upright and responsible - and I knew booze and drugs weren't a part of that.

Stay strong tonight Amester - opportunity is no longer a good enough reason to go over the side and let yourself down

D

Amester

Finished another episode, if I can make it through one more it will be late enough to just take my medication and go to bed. Now the question is can I just take one? And take it appropriately, not open the capsule and snort the powder or pour it under my tongue and then fill the shell with sugar and put it back together in case anyone counts them... Yeah I clearly have no business being on this medication. I need to have a serious conversation with my boyfriend when he gets home and let him help me with this. Being sneaky will quickly lead me down a very scary path, I can't go there again, it almost killed me last time. I need to grow up and be responsible.

SigChiScooby

Good job on doing what you need to do to make it through the evening. After tonight you might consider getting rid of them bc it seems to me you're playing with fire. Good luck!

OpioPhobe

Great job on making it this far. Mentioning it to your boyfriend seems like a step in the right direction. Is there anything that can be done about getting rid of the booze too?