I'm tired of this charade
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 37
Ima,
I was also unable to eat at first. The mere thought or sight of food made me sick. I had been taking in so many calories through booze that I was never hungry and just could not eat.
A few days after stopping the grog, I started to get an appetite, slowly. Seventy days later, I now eat a lot and I eat proper food, not just junk, which when I was drinking was usually what I turned to if I did get hungry. And I enjoy it. I quite seriously only ate when I was drinking in order to survive.
You have many, many people rooting for you.
I was also unable to eat at first. The mere thought or sight of food made me sick. I had been taking in so many calories through booze that I was never hungry and just could not eat.
A few days after stopping the grog, I started to get an appetite, slowly. Seventy days later, I now eat a lot and I eat proper food, not just junk, which when I was drinking was usually what I turned to if I did get hungry. And I enjoy it. I quite seriously only ate when I was drinking in order to survive.
You have many, many people rooting for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 16
Thank you everyone, and Thank you Morning Glory for changing my name.
Well today is day three and I woke up feeling very depressed. Even though it's Sunday and I don't have ANY energy whatsoever, I'm going to look up the AA schedule in my area and get to a meeting despite having a cold of some sort.
I still havent figured out if I should drop my Summer courses or not. I missed a week, and my one course is a Statistics class. If I don't take it and pass it , I cant take research methods, so it will push me back a couple of months.
I don't know why I did this to myself.
I don't know when the beating myself up will stop... But this feeling of dread when it comes to facing my bad decisions and picking up the pieces is really very horrible.
Well today is day three and I woke up feeling very depressed. Even though it's Sunday and I don't have ANY energy whatsoever, I'm going to look up the AA schedule in my area and get to a meeting despite having a cold of some sort.
I still havent figured out if I should drop my Summer courses or not. I missed a week, and my one course is a Statistics class. If I don't take it and pass it , I cant take research methods, so it will push me back a couple of months.
I don't know why I did this to myself.
I don't know when the beating myself up will stop... But this feeling of dread when it comes to facing my bad decisions and picking up the pieces is really very horrible.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Anewbeginning - I was very hard on myself when I went through that phase. I remember it well - it was very damaging. I hope you'll be kind to yourself as you begin your new life. You are healing and mending - it's a time to be glad about the great future you have in front of you.
The classes - maybe it would be better to wait until you're feeling less fragile? I hope others will weigh in on this. Day 3 is hard - but you will get past it - and things will begin to look up.
The classes - maybe it would be better to wait until you're feeling less fragile? I hope others will weigh in on this. Day 3 is hard - but you will get past it - and things will begin to look up.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
ANewBeginning - I feel that concentrating on healing should be your main focus for now. Healing (or worse, not healing) could significantly impact the course of the rest of your life; delaying completion of these courses probably only has a short term impact on your future.
I probably couldn't have handled the classes at this point but I was never the sharpest tool in the shed and learning didn't come easily for me; I always had to work really, really hard to achieve a good grade and falling behind always spelled disaster for me. So my perspective on your situation may be skewed by my own limitations.
I probably couldn't have handled the classes at this point but I was never the sharpest tool in the shed and learning didn't come easily for me; I always had to work really, really hard to achieve a good grade and falling behind always spelled disaster for me. So my perspective on your situation may be skewed by my own limitations.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 16
Thank you Sober Leigh and Hevyn. That is what has been going through my mind because I don't want to stress myself out to the point of breaking right now.
Also, the AA meetings I would attend are at 12:00, which is the same time as my statistics class. The only other meeting they hold on weekdays in this town (that I dont have to drive 30minutes or more to get to) is the 8:00pm meeting which is full of people only there to get their papers signed for probation.
I hate to withdraw from my class and it would push me back another 3-6 months for my graduation date, but I've already missed so much and dealing with it at this point seems fruitless. Id rather get a W than an F.
Also, the AA meetings I would attend are at 12:00, which is the same time as my statistics class. The only other meeting they hold on weekdays in this town (that I dont have to drive 30minutes or more to get to) is the 8:00pm meeting which is full of people only there to get their papers signed for probation.
I hate to withdraw from my class and it would push me back another 3-6 months for my graduation date, but I've already missed so much and dealing with it at this point seems fruitless. Id rather get a W than an F.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 16
My question now is...
How do I stop communicating from basically all my friend
Everyone I know drinks.
Today I got invited to the beach but turned it down because I know there will be alcohol.
When youve made alcohol into your entire life, how do you even rebuild? How do you find hobbies or things to fill your time? How do you even meet people?
How do I stop communicating from basically all my friend
Everyone I know drinks.
Today I got invited to the beach but turned it down because I know there will be alcohol.
When youve made alcohol into your entire life, how do you even rebuild? How do you find hobbies or things to fill your time? How do you even meet people?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
I had to make new friends.
You just have some interests or hobbies already? I got back into hobbies and interests I used to have or wanted to do...and I did some volunteering.
I reconnected with a lot of old friends who drifted away when drinking became my passion too.
D
You just have some interests or hobbies already? I got back into hobbies and interests I used to have or wanted to do...and I did some volunteering.
I reconnected with a lot of old friends who drifted away when drinking became my passion too.
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
May sound cold.
But I never considered any of my drinking bud real "friends".
More acquaintances than anything. For me, as soon as I was not hanging at the club and drinking, they just disappeared.
And I say, so long good bye and good luck.
You'll make new ones. Friends that will actually care about you.
But I never considered any of my drinking bud real "friends".
More acquaintances than anything. For me, as soon as I was not hanging at the club and drinking, they just disappeared.
And I say, so long good bye and good luck.
You'll make new ones. Friends that will actually care about you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
Read a lot, on the internet and books.
Take a good look at the local Barnes and Nobel magazine rack.
Maybe you'll see some hobby magazine cover that catches your eye.
Something to keep you busy.
I took on a challenging hobby of keeping a salt water reef tank.
Keeps me busy and I love the beauty of it.
Take a good look at the local Barnes and Nobel magazine rack.
Maybe you'll see some hobby magazine cover that catches your eye.
Something to keep you busy.
I took on a challenging hobby of keeping a salt water reef tank.
Keeps me busy and I love the beauty of it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
There could definitely be a period of adjustment during which you evaluate or re-evaluate existing friendships. You may need to cast a wider net to find new friends.
Are there any Campus activities or clubs at your College that you could join? You might meet some new friends whose activities don't include drinking or have drinking as their main focus.
Maybe sign up for some volunteer activities???
I hope some younger members jump into this thread who can give you better suggestions. You could also start a new thread on this topic with a title that attracts some of the younger members.
Are there any Campus activities or clubs at your College that you could join? You might meet some new friends whose activities don't include drinking or have drinking as their main focus.
Maybe sign up for some volunteer activities???
I hope some younger members jump into this thread who can give you better suggestions. You could also start a new thread on this topic with a title that attracts some of the younger members.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
There is also a website called Meetup.com which others here have mentioned. It usually lists activities to be held in your area. Of course, be safe and check out the group sponsoring the activity ahead of time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 16
I wanted to come back and update.... But first I wanted to write out the exchange that just happened between my husband and I while it is still fresh in my mind.
I was telling him that I invited a [drinking] friend to come running tomorrow and thats when her communication from me just completely dropped off. I asked him, "Why do I only meet people that want to drink and party and not do normal things?" His response was, "Well, you know, you can party. You just have to know when to stop."
I had this "AHA" moment. Deep inside of me. I responded with, "That is the thing. Most people have that turn off button. Most people know when to stop and will stop. I dont HAVE that. I am in the process of accepting that I will never have that inside of me, so please don't tell me I do because then I will start thinking that I do. I have to accept that I am not normal like everyone else in that way. And I never will be."
He understood when I reminded him of last weeks MIA binge. But I dont think he completely *got* it. I think he thinks that I want to lose control and go over my fill and limit. Its just that, once alcohol gets in my system, even if I want to stop I can't. Don't know how to completely explain this to someone who doesn't have that inside of them as well.
--------------
On other news; Positive things that is... Today I went to school and yes I am behind but I decided that the worst thing for me is to have too much free time on my hands during this period. I'm going to have to work night and day to catch up, but it is better than me sitting around the house and thinking about alcohol.
I still have really depressive moments where I think about and remember the stupid and horrific (almost animalistic?) things I did and these thoughts are still fresh in my mind but I try to just accept them and realize that with time I will come to a full acceptance of them. There is no point in me pushing them away or ruminating on them any longer.
I have a test on Wednesday, but right after the test I'm going to drive 30 miles to go to a closed meeting.
I was telling him that I invited a [drinking] friend to come running tomorrow and thats when her communication from me just completely dropped off. I asked him, "Why do I only meet people that want to drink and party and not do normal things?" His response was, "Well, you know, you can party. You just have to know when to stop."
I had this "AHA" moment. Deep inside of me. I responded with, "That is the thing. Most people have that turn off button. Most people know when to stop and will stop. I dont HAVE that. I am in the process of accepting that I will never have that inside of me, so please don't tell me I do because then I will start thinking that I do. I have to accept that I am not normal like everyone else in that way. And I never will be."
He understood when I reminded him of last weeks MIA binge. But I dont think he completely *got* it. I think he thinks that I want to lose control and go over my fill and limit. Its just that, once alcohol gets in my system, even if I want to stop I can't. Don't know how to completely explain this to someone who doesn't have that inside of them as well.
--------------
On other news; Positive things that is... Today I went to school and yes I am behind but I decided that the worst thing for me is to have too much free time on my hands during this period. I'm going to have to work night and day to catch up, but it is better than me sitting around the house and thinking about alcohol.
I still have really depressive moments where I think about and remember the stupid and horrific (almost animalistic?) things I did and these thoughts are still fresh in my mind but I try to just accept them and realize that with time I will come to a full acceptance of them. There is no point in me pushing them away or ruminating on them any longer.
I have a test on Wednesday, but right after the test I'm going to drive 30 miles to go to a closed meeting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
Normies have a stop button.
I had something called "blackout" that resulted in me stopping eventually.
Wish you the best of luck catching up on your studies.
Your right about keeping busy, it has always helped me.
I had something called "blackout" that resulted in me stopping eventually.
Wish you the best of luck catching up on your studies.
Your right about keeping busy, it has always helped me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 16
Yes, exactly. Idle hands are the devils playground.
I however, cant even begin to describe how hard it was for me to gather the strength and energy to get up this morning and keep moving throughout the day.
I was proud of myself though when I completed all of my endeavors despite feeling like physical, mental, and emotional crap.
I guess in a way, it's a distraction from all of the negative thoughts and feelings I have going on right now.
I'm eating a little better and probably am going to go to sleep soon. It's not even 9 yet, but I'm exhausted.
I however, cant even begin to describe how hard it was for me to gather the strength and energy to get up this morning and keep moving throughout the day.
I was proud of myself though when I completed all of my endeavors despite feeling like physical, mental, and emotional crap.
I guess in a way, it's a distraction from all of the negative thoughts and feelings I have going on right now.
I'm eating a little better and probably am going to go to sleep soon. It's not even 9 yet, but I'm exhausted.
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