Mornings
 

Feeling exceptionally worthless this morning as I have finally put two and two together on why the new doorknobs my roommates bought have locks on them. I've completely lost their trust on the last binge I went on. I took a lot of alcohol from one of their rooms and ended up drinking every last drop of it. Conflicting thoughts of anger with myself and those who pity me, and depression. There's no worse feeling than thinking on how things used to be, and knowing that they can never go back to that. I'll never look quite the same to anyone around me or to myself in the mirror. It breaks my heart so see that they mean well but have no idea how to even be around me anymore.

I feel what I feel on this morning and I know that this is the last "Day Four" I will ever have to count. I will not relapse because I do not drink anymore. I will not let myself down because I am stronger than that. Perspective is what I need to gain again, something I haven't been able to have in years.

Okay...let's talk to perspective. Your inability to take alcohol from their rooms in future is not necessarily a bad thing..right? I really don't think they have any issue with you..the real you my friend.
It is your addiction they don't trust. And I don't think ANY of us can trust our addiction. It lies..it cheats..it steals..it cares nothing but for its own feed.
Early sobriety is often a bit ugly as we face what is left in addictions wake...but hey

Good on ya...you have 3 sober days behind you and what sounds like strong, resigned resolve. You're getting better friend...not worse.

Thanks for the kind words. I suppose the real thing was that I was secretly happy that there are locks on their doors now... and then that led to a thought of man, this has gotten really out of hand and that made me depressed, if that makes any sense.

when your roomies put locks on the door to keep you from stealing their booze....

you might be an alcoholic.

;)

But, levity aside; I'm glad you see it for what it is and are focused on sobriety. That's the right answer.

Of course it makes sense. Our thoughts dictate our emotions. You went from la la la la to "hey, hey..wait a minute..what does this say about MEEE".
Perfectly normal...not easy..but normal.

Thoughts are like riding a wild bronc sometimes...in sobriety, we learn to tame them with good correction, rather than drown the horse 'til its lame : )

You'd be surprised how much people are willing to forgive. Maybe you should sit them down, appologize, admit you have a problem (which they probably already know) and tell then you are working very hard at staying sober. Try not to be too hard on yourself. The negative mindset does nothing good for sobriety. Admit you messed up, and move along.

I'm having a VERY VERY odd day with quotes and stuff going on around me with stuff I was either just talking about with someone or thinking about myself. I love these things!
On my walk to work this morning...I was visualizing my "thoughts/emotions" as wild horses run amok...I put a name on each one...fear, anger, frustration, sadness...all the things I am feeling right now...then visualized "corralling" them into a fence that was made with love, patience, strength, courage, FAITH, serenity...etc etc....
it was weird b/c I normally don't do that stuff but this morning woke up with a crapload of different feelings (I suspect it's b/c I have my lawyers appt. Monday where I find out exactly how much **** I am in) and somehow started putting them into an actual picture in my head.

reign them in when they start going wild!

That so cool! I find that when I start experiencing all sorts of serendipity around me. I'm in a really good place!

Oh Upsides.. I am so sorry, I have been in a similar position far too many times...
DAY FOUR! RIght on.
Tomorrow will be day 5.

Psychologically it feels really good as that number gets higher and higher