Question.....
 

Hi,

I'm struggling with dealing with friends at the moment. Do friendships tend to last once you get sober?

Do you think you can be over sensitive to people talking about drink etc? I feel if it was one of them Id not put so much emphasis on drink and be more supportive. Im meant to be going for a meal tonight and I really cant face it.

L x

Hi.
“I'm struggling with dealing with friends at the moment. Do friendships tend to last once you get sober?”
In the experience of many, “friends” were made and seem focused on and around drinking and soon drift away when sobriety occurs.

BE WELL

Leigh, maybe if you are early in your sobriety taking a raincheck this evening would be the best and kindest thing to do. Be gentle with yourself. Quitting is definitely not like flipping a switch; if it were, none of us would be here! If tonight's dinner just seems too much to face, give yourself a gift and opt out.

Friends, true friends, will stick with you and encourage you in this journey.

Hi Leigh!

I was on an emotional roller coaster for the first month or so. I also couldn't be around alcohol or anyone drinking it. Was I overly sensitive to friends talking about alcohol? Probably, but I think that's normal.

Why not protect your sobriety and opt out of the meal? Surround yourself with friends that encourage your decision, not make it more difficult for you. True friendships will last!

Best Wishes To You :)

God that's really depressing!

Its a part of sobriety I'm finding difficult. I have people around me but feel a bit lonely (with my feelings I mean) Family, boyfriend, work colleagues, AA pals are supportive as are some friends, others not so much. Guess its just a part of this I'll need to take on the chin.

L x

Hi. Friendships can last through sobriety but it really depends on the friendship. I have two friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin, sober or not but I've known these two women since we were 13 before any of us ever drank. They know I can't drink and it never comes up.

If the friendship is one that revolves around drinking or going to pubs to be social, then these might not last and actually, once you have sober time, you probably won't miss them all too much. At least that is what I've found.

If you really don't want to face dinner and drinks tonight because you might be tempted, call with your regrets and don't go. It's just one night. Maybe make plans with these people for an alternate activity like coffee, breakfast or lunch as people don't tend to drink at lunch that much anymore.

Most people like to socialize and get lonely if they don't. It does sometimes feel very isolating to be the person who doesn't drink but really, there are a lot of people out there who don't drink for whatever reason. We just don't see it because we are looking for what we want and can't have instead of what is staring at us in the face. If there was one bottle of beer sitting among a thousand bottles of water we would only see the beer.

Hang in there.

I was on an emotional roller coaster for the first month or so. I also couldn't be around alcohol or anyone drinking it. Was I overly sensitive to friends talking about alcohol? Probably, but I think that's normal.

Why not protect your sobriety and opt out of the meal? Surround yourself with friends that encourage your decision, not make it more difficult for you. True friendships will last!


Thanks you - very true!

If your friends were 'drinking friends' then you might find you have little in common once you stop drinking. But if your friendship is deeper that that, I'm sure in time you'll get back together with them. It's best to avoid situations where you'll be tempted in the early days. Later on you'll learn to be around alcohol and stick to your soda.

Some of my friendships lasted some did not.

I found new friends tho and reconnected with old ones I'd moved away from cos they didn't drink as much as I did.

I was pretty careful about the invites I accepted for a while...it took a few months but once I was was of a mindset that I preferred being sober, other people drinking or talking about drinking didn't bother me, Leigh.

D

Yeah, I knew I had to get rid of a few people in my life - they were toxic to me and I knew my recovery was going to depend on putting my needs first. So, there were lots of changes and I wasn't comfortable around alcohol for many months and so I found my activities changed.

I have one friend that I am consciously pulling away from because every conversation we have ends up about drinking, and of course any socializing would involve drinking. She's annoyed with me right now (hasn't said it out loud, but I can tell) because I won't answer or return her evening phone calls because she's been drinking or is drunk every time. I don't want that right now and I know she doesn't understand, but my sobriety comes first. If she is supposed to be in my sober life, then she will be ... down the road. For now, I can't go there (overly sensitive? ... probably ... but that's just the way it is). I have other friends that are very supportive of my decision and who, by the way, don't drink like I used to. I choose to spend my time and energy with them.

I feel fortunate in having some great friendships that...even while drinking...that didn't revolve around drinking. I have one pal who has never ever seen me drunk..she can't even fathom it.
But I also have friends that were "drinking buddies"...people I really don't have much desire to spend time with sober...not for any length of time.

I guess that's pretty sad.

As others of said, friendships based on great, true things other than alcohol...will survive.

Hey all,

Thanks for the responses on this.

I went to dinner last night, it was actually nice. I spoke a little about how I was feeling (a first for me!) and felt better for it. Most of these girls I've been friends with my whole life but the problem isnt them, its me. I'm still trying to figure out who I am sober. I'm scared of losing people close to me who wont like the sober me (They all hate the drunk me though, So I'm stumped as to why this bothers me, but like everything else at the moment it does) I left them all to it at quarter to 8 and went to an AA meeting. Being able to do that was pretty amazing.

What I have decided to do it to (try) and stop worrying so much about....well everything.

Hope everyone is doing great!

One day at a time.

L x

Hey Leigh!

I sobered up after I moved away from my hometown. I was in a city where I essentially had no friends besides my husband, our roommates and the woman at the liquor counter at the grocery store. Still, when I showed up at the New Year's Eve party back down home, my friends were supportive. They saw the downward spiral I was on. I'd long ago gone from cute, funny drunk to over the top, out of control alcoholic. The is always copious amount of booze at the party and drunken shenanigans. I'm always surprised when most of my friends don't get blackout drunk.

I've moved again and I am fortunate enough to have made all my friends in the program so the issue of drinking at outings doesn't often come up. Besides my husband's work functions, I only encounter social drinking when I go back down home for the holidays. Basically, I have no control over other people's drinking and they have no control over mine. If my teetotaling disturbs someone, that's their problem. If someone's (responsible) drinking is bothering me, there's a problem with me. I don't like to be around someone who's blind drunk (New Year's Eve is an exception) so I make a point of not being involved with that. That whole scene has lost it's magic for me.

Good friends will support you but we cannot expect people to drastically alter their lives for our sake. They don't have an issue with drinking. I mean, if I go to lunch with a vegan, I'm not going to order the Tofu Surprise for their sake. I'm gonna have me a Bambi's Mom sausage with a side of Smoked Babe's Belly and Brussels sprouts. ;)

isn't it bizarre we worry about this when we were wretched, horrible drunks?!
hahah I'm so concerned my BF/certain friends won't like the sober me, but in reality, it can't be any worse than the idiotic drunken me!
man, the last year of drinking, probably longer actually...I was a wench. Like not at all the person I want to be. Thank god those days are over.

and props to you for leaving and going to a meeting!!!!! high five!

working those steps helps us to know ourselves better!

Thanks Jupiters - I know mental how we dont sit comfortably with people seeing the "real us" but the eejit making an ar$e of themselves is okay!? Its madness

L x