Day 11. Back to the sober grind.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 809
Day 11. Back to the sober grind.
Thanks for always having me back.
After months of not being able to string together more then 3-4 days, at least I have a little progress with 11 days.
I feel OK – I guess. Mostly just exhausted. I’ve been going to meetings as much as I can, calling my sponsor every day. My life is insanely busy right now with commitments (outside of AA).
Something kind of funny So after a few years of coming in and out of the program, I’ve actually had some decent stints of good sobriety in treatment centres/AA, where I could actually give 100% of my time & energy into this sober thing. And there is no doubt in my mind – I know from experience now – that it works. I completed my last treatment program, which was 8 weeks of “in-patient” lock down type treatment followed by 12 weeks of “extended care”, where we would have group in the mornings & free to volunteer/work/do our own thing in the evenings. By the time I completed the entire program, I felt like a new human being. I remember walking across the grass at the centre one day when it just hit me out of nowhere – I’m really happy lately. I mean – weirdly happy. It had been weeks, maybe months, since I’d had a “mental breakdown” or fit of depression/anxiety. I was feeling like a real, clear minded, happy person again, after so many years of living in a fog of drugs/alcohol/etc. (I decided to try some controlled drinking later on, but that’s another story).
So as I was saying, I know that treatment/AA works for me. And I even know from experience now.
So for years since I made this discovery, I have been trying to find out exactly WHAT part of the whole treatment/AA process it is, that made such a difference in my life. Because there must be an explanation. And the reason I’ve been trying to figure this out, of course, is because if I discovered exactly which component was working… I could apply that component to my life OUTSIDE of AA and Treatment, and become a happy person. And if I was a happy person again, I would no longer feel the need to drink to numb out all the time – and I could go back to “social drinking”. Ultimate goal right there.
My thought process was something like this:
(Hmm…. Was it the THERAPY component that was fixing me? Maybe I just need to see a shrink – maybe that’s what I was missing in my life that caused me to drink & drug so destructively. Or maybe it was the FELLOWSHIP aspect of AA – maybe I just needed to make friends with more healthy, positive people who were working on bettering themselves in life. Maybe those people could rub off on me, and I could drink normal like them too. Or was it the SPIRITUAL aspect of AA? Maybe I just needed to start attending a church, or yoga or something, and working on my spirituality. Or maybe it was just the time AWAY from alcohol that I needed. Maybe now that I’ve had some time AWAY from it, and I’m feeling much better, I can go back to normal drinking again.)
Clearly this all just demonstrates my inability to accept my alcoholism. I admit it. A lot of the time I still don’t accept it. I hate it. I LOVE alcohol. Alcohol is my friggin best friend, and has been for most of my life. It calms my anxiety, numbs my uncomfortable feelings, helps me to make friends, be social, let loose, etc. etc. Yeah – it’s burnt me pretty bad too, I’ll admit. But that was my own doing – consuming too much for my own good. Being irresponsible with it. If I could only drink like a normal person, I could enjoy all of those benefits noted above with none of the consequences. How amazing would that be.
Anyways. So. Over the past few months I’ve tried:
- Keeping an INSANELY busy schedule, filled with appointments & work & errands, etc. etc. etc. (literally, I’m talking crammed from sun up to sun down).
- Joining a sports team (trying to substitute fellowship)
- Going to church/yoga/reading books on spirituality (trying to substitute spirituality)
- Going to a couple of different therapists
- Going to meetings while not being sober
- Etc. etc. etc. the list goes on
I’ve implemented all of these things in my life while continuing to drink, and I’m disappointed to let you know, that I’m still miserable, depressed, filled with fear/anger/insecurity, and that I still obsess about drinking pretty much all day every day when I’m not drinking. And when I DO drink, I still can’t moderate the amount I take, and I still do stupid, stupid, embarrassing things.
So maybe it’s time to come back and just try what worked in the first place. Going to AA while not drinking. What a concept.
What a rant. I doubt anyone will read this whole thing, but it felt good to do some writing this morning.
Xo.
After months of not being able to string together more then 3-4 days, at least I have a little progress with 11 days.
I feel OK – I guess. Mostly just exhausted. I’ve been going to meetings as much as I can, calling my sponsor every day. My life is insanely busy right now with commitments (outside of AA).
Something kind of funny So after a few years of coming in and out of the program, I’ve actually had some decent stints of good sobriety in treatment centres/AA, where I could actually give 100% of my time & energy into this sober thing. And there is no doubt in my mind – I know from experience now – that it works. I completed my last treatment program, which was 8 weeks of “in-patient” lock down type treatment followed by 12 weeks of “extended care”, where we would have group in the mornings & free to volunteer/work/do our own thing in the evenings. By the time I completed the entire program, I felt like a new human being. I remember walking across the grass at the centre one day when it just hit me out of nowhere – I’m really happy lately. I mean – weirdly happy. It had been weeks, maybe months, since I’d had a “mental breakdown” or fit of depression/anxiety. I was feeling like a real, clear minded, happy person again, after so many years of living in a fog of drugs/alcohol/etc. (I decided to try some controlled drinking later on, but that’s another story).
So as I was saying, I know that treatment/AA works for me. And I even know from experience now.
So for years since I made this discovery, I have been trying to find out exactly WHAT part of the whole treatment/AA process it is, that made such a difference in my life. Because there must be an explanation. And the reason I’ve been trying to figure this out, of course, is because if I discovered exactly which component was working… I could apply that component to my life OUTSIDE of AA and Treatment, and become a happy person. And if I was a happy person again, I would no longer feel the need to drink to numb out all the time – and I could go back to “social drinking”. Ultimate goal right there.
My thought process was something like this:
(Hmm…. Was it the THERAPY component that was fixing me? Maybe I just need to see a shrink – maybe that’s what I was missing in my life that caused me to drink & drug so destructively. Or maybe it was the FELLOWSHIP aspect of AA – maybe I just needed to make friends with more healthy, positive people who were working on bettering themselves in life. Maybe those people could rub off on me, and I could drink normal like them too. Or was it the SPIRITUAL aspect of AA? Maybe I just needed to start attending a church, or yoga or something, and working on my spirituality. Or maybe it was just the time AWAY from alcohol that I needed. Maybe now that I’ve had some time AWAY from it, and I’m feeling much better, I can go back to normal drinking again.)
Clearly this all just demonstrates my inability to accept my alcoholism. I admit it. A lot of the time I still don’t accept it. I hate it. I LOVE alcohol. Alcohol is my friggin best friend, and has been for most of my life. It calms my anxiety, numbs my uncomfortable feelings, helps me to make friends, be social, let loose, etc. etc. Yeah – it’s burnt me pretty bad too, I’ll admit. But that was my own doing – consuming too much for my own good. Being irresponsible with it. If I could only drink like a normal person, I could enjoy all of those benefits noted above with none of the consequences. How amazing would that be.
Anyways. So. Over the past few months I’ve tried:
- Keeping an INSANELY busy schedule, filled with appointments & work & errands, etc. etc. etc. (literally, I’m talking crammed from sun up to sun down).
- Joining a sports team (trying to substitute fellowship)
- Going to church/yoga/reading books on spirituality (trying to substitute spirituality)
- Going to a couple of different therapists
- Going to meetings while not being sober
- Etc. etc. etc. the list goes on
I’ve implemented all of these things in my life while continuing to drink, and I’m disappointed to let you know, that I’m still miserable, depressed, filled with fear/anger/insecurity, and that I still obsess about drinking pretty much all day every day when I’m not drinking. And when I DO drink, I still can’t moderate the amount I take, and I still do stupid, stupid, embarrassing things.
So maybe it’s time to come back and just try what worked in the first place. Going to AA while not drinking. What a concept.
What a rant. I doubt anyone will read this whole thing, but it felt good to do some writing this morning.
Xo.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Alcohol was my best friend too, he still is, if I phoned him up now he'd want to hang out in heartbeat this evening, the problem is he limited my life, my work, my relationships, my productivity, my ambitions, when I really sat back and worked out how damaging alcohol my friend, was to my life.
I also worked out that abstaining from alcohol, didn't in some way fix or cure me, 1 drink and I had the bottle, there was still no such thing as having 1 drink.
I needed to sign up to Sobriety, and sure my lifestyle had to be changed, it was tough at the start, but life became a whole lot brighter without my best friend alcohol!!
I also worked out that abstaining from alcohol, didn't in some way fix or cure me, 1 drink and I had the bottle, there was still no such thing as having 1 drink.
I needed to sign up to Sobriety, and sure my lifestyle had to be changed, it was tough at the start, but life became a whole lot brighter without my best friend alcohol!!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 143
I read through the whole thing. 
Yes, I believe most of us have gone through those thought processes. I still feel them creeping up on me. I was reading one of the stories in the AA book about how a man recognized his problem early (mid-20s?) and decided he would stop completely since it was holding back his career. He retired a successful man at 55 and figured he could drink socially again. He was dead from alcoholism within 4 years, if I remember correctly. I guess the point is that alcoholism is progressive. If you have it, it isn't going away, and it only gets worse.
The only solution is abstinence.
I have to remind myself of this daily.
Yes, I believe most of us have gone through those thought processes. I still feel them creeping up on me. I was reading one of the stories in the AA book about how a man recognized his problem early (mid-20s?) and decided he would stop completely since it was holding back his career. He retired a successful man at 55 and figured he could drink socially again. He was dead from alcoholism within 4 years, if I remember correctly. I guess the point is that alcoholism is progressive. If you have it, it isn't going away, and it only gets worse.The only solution is abstinence.
I have to remind myself of this daily.
Re-Tread
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
Originally Posted by Mrrryah1 
If I could only drink like a normal person, I could enjoy all of those benefits noted above with none of the consequences. How amazing would that be.
What Im finding out about the quote above is that if I drank like a normal person I wouldnt be enjoying all those benefits. Normal people dont enjoy those benefits when they drink and thats part of the reason they are not alcoholic.
Im an alcoholic and love alcohol and all those benifits too! My problem is I cant control my drinking so I end up with all the consequences as well.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Mrrryah1
Clearly this all just demonstrates my inability to accept my alcoholism. I admit it. A lot of the time I still don’t accept it. I hate it. I LOVE alcohol. Alcohol is my friggin best friend, and has been for most of my life. It calms my anxiety, numbs my uncomfortable feelings, helps me to make friends, be social, let loose, etc. etc. Yeah – it’s burnt me pretty bad too, I’ll admit. But that was my own doing – consuming too much for my own good. Being irresponsible with it. If I could only drink like a normal person, I could enjoy all of those benefits noted above with none of the consequences. How amazing would that be.
Xo.
Xo.
You also mentioned wanting to be a "normal" drinker. I did too, and I think every alcoholic has wanted to at some point. This falls along the lines of acceptance though - if we are truly an alcoholic, we cannot ever be a normal drinker - and we simply have to accept that. It's hard, but it's the only way.
I would say that going to meetings sober would be a great first step. If you are unable to actually quit on your own long enough to make a meeting you might want to consider detox frankly - getting over that initial hump can be difficult on our own.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Your comments read like a manifesto for people who want to moderate. I do hope that both your experiences and your writing has brought you past that.
If it were an easy thing -- or simply one "component" that was lacking -- to make ourselves happy, balanced and well-adjusted people, we'd all be doing "it," alcoholics or not.
Life doesn't work according to the rules of logic, and it has a way of doing violence to all our detailed planning. How many people are even close now to where they thought they'd be thirty, twenty, or even five years ago?
The thing to do is to put down the drink. Now matter how much you, I or anyone else loves alcoholic, we are not really living life until we stop and get down to the business of living a better life, one that does not include alcohol.
If it were an easy thing -- or simply one "component" that was lacking -- to make ourselves happy, balanced and well-adjusted people, we'd all be doing "it," alcoholics or not.
Life doesn't work according to the rules of logic, and it has a way of doing violence to all our detailed planning. How many people are even close now to where they thought they'd be thirty, twenty, or even five years ago?
The thing to do is to put down the drink. Now matter how much you, I or anyone else loves alcoholic, we are not really living life until we stop and get down to the business of living a better life, one that does not include alcohol.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
I've had a couple of stints in rehab and i've tried the revolving door method when it comes to AA. What i've learned is that i can't get lazy with my recovery. When i was in rehab, my life was focused around that. It was hard not to be! In AA, when i was being active in the program, calling my sponsor and other sober alcoholics and basically treating it like my job and my life's work, it worked.
When i fell into trouble, it was when i decided to not make living a sober life my priority. My priority became finding a job, cooking dinner, cleaning and hanging with my (nondrinking) husband. I started to see myself with someone who wasn't drinking, not a sober alcoholic working a program. I let myself grow distant from my AA fellowship. I skipped meetings to make dinner. I resisted calling people in AA because i wasn't in the middle of an active crisis. I got complacent.
Now, i wrap my life around sobriety instead of sobriety around my life. I just started a job but i made myself unavailable during the evening that my homegroup and women's group meet. People call me to go to meetings at inconvenient times and i say yes. I've stopped making excuses to avoid tedious sobriety habits.
Lately, i've had a tragedy strike my personal life. My instinct is to shut down. I don't want to cry, i don't want to go to meetings, i don't want to think or try to process the event. I want to get angry. I want to be constantly distracted. I want to be "fine" for the sake of being fine. Doing all that doesn't guarantee that i'll drink but it sure pulls me off my sober path. So today, when i wanted to engage in a little retail therapy, i cut that short and went to a meeting that i've been meaning to get back to. I let myself cry and i try to not feel guilty about that. Above all, i keep practicing absolute honesty in my life and compassion and service. Above all, i remember to live the life of a sober alcoholic with a program and a plan, not the life of someone who just isn't drinking.
A very large part of me just wants to shut out everyone. I don't want to talk about my feelings. I don't want to acknowledge that i feel ******. I don't want to not be fine. I don't want to meet with my sponsor before my meeting tomorrow. I just want to show up, listen and leave and pretend that that's enough, but it's not. If i can keep the path between me and sober alcoholics open through this, i know i'll make it out the other side not just safe but stronger. I need this growth. These are the growing pains of my early sobriety. They'll pass eventually but until then, i have to accept the discomfort.
Working won't save my life. Shoving my emotions aside won't spare me any pain. I'm not a robot that just mindlessly plows forward in life. I'm a human. I'm going to hurt, cry, be uncomfortable, be offended, feel scared and confused. The key now is to stay connected, stay grounded, stay honest and lean on the collective strength of the people who care about me. It's hard to ask for help. It's hard to receive it. It means i'm flawed, vulnerable and a bit broken. But i have to remember that if no one ever asks for help, then no one ever gets the opportunity to help. I'm part of a community greater than myself. To pull away from that is denying them the opportunity to be of service and it's actually more selfish than asking for help. It's a strange concept but it's the friggin truth.
For me, sobriety isn't a quick fix decision. It's not just about not drinking. It's about connections. Connecting to my community, connecting to my higher power and connecting to myself. Breaking those connections cuts away all my lifelines and sets me adrift in a sea of pride, fear, ego and disillusionment. Honesty, humility, service and willingness are my lifelines. So long as i hang on to them with all my strength, i'll make it. Anything less and i am lost once again.
When i fell into trouble, it was when i decided to not make living a sober life my priority. My priority became finding a job, cooking dinner, cleaning and hanging with my (nondrinking) husband. I started to see myself with someone who wasn't drinking, not a sober alcoholic working a program. I let myself grow distant from my AA fellowship. I skipped meetings to make dinner. I resisted calling people in AA because i wasn't in the middle of an active crisis. I got complacent.
Now, i wrap my life around sobriety instead of sobriety around my life. I just started a job but i made myself unavailable during the evening that my homegroup and women's group meet. People call me to go to meetings at inconvenient times and i say yes. I've stopped making excuses to avoid tedious sobriety habits.
Lately, i've had a tragedy strike my personal life. My instinct is to shut down. I don't want to cry, i don't want to go to meetings, i don't want to think or try to process the event. I want to get angry. I want to be constantly distracted. I want to be "fine" for the sake of being fine. Doing all that doesn't guarantee that i'll drink but it sure pulls me off my sober path. So today, when i wanted to engage in a little retail therapy, i cut that short and went to a meeting that i've been meaning to get back to. I let myself cry and i try to not feel guilty about that. Above all, i keep practicing absolute honesty in my life and compassion and service. Above all, i remember to live the life of a sober alcoholic with a program and a plan, not the life of someone who just isn't drinking.
A very large part of me just wants to shut out everyone. I don't want to talk about my feelings. I don't want to acknowledge that i feel ******. I don't want to not be fine. I don't want to meet with my sponsor before my meeting tomorrow. I just want to show up, listen and leave and pretend that that's enough, but it's not. If i can keep the path between me and sober alcoholics open through this, i know i'll make it out the other side not just safe but stronger. I need this growth. These are the growing pains of my early sobriety. They'll pass eventually but until then, i have to accept the discomfort.
Working won't save my life. Shoving my emotions aside won't spare me any pain. I'm not a robot that just mindlessly plows forward in life. I'm a human. I'm going to hurt, cry, be uncomfortable, be offended, feel scared and confused. The key now is to stay connected, stay grounded, stay honest and lean on the collective strength of the people who care about me. It's hard to ask for help. It's hard to receive it. It means i'm flawed, vulnerable and a bit broken. But i have to remember that if no one ever asks for help, then no one ever gets the opportunity to help. I'm part of a community greater than myself. To pull away from that is denying them the opportunity to be of service and it's actually more selfish than asking for help. It's a strange concept but it's the friggin truth.
For me, sobriety isn't a quick fix decision. It's not just about not drinking. It's about connections. Connecting to my community, connecting to my higher power and connecting to myself. Breaking those connections cuts away all my lifelines and sets me adrift in a sea of pride, fear, ego and disillusionment. Honesty, humility, service and willingness are my lifelines. So long as i hang on to them with all my strength, i'll make it. Anything less and i am lost once again.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
