My recent relapse
 

Many of you who posted to my relapse thread are curious about what happened. I don’t know what I can say about it. Not very much, I’m afraid. Not for fear of full disclosure, but fear that anything I say about my relapse will come out as an excuse, or I’ll minimize the extent of the relapse. In my mind I’ve gone from finding multiple reasons to blame it on, to downplaying it because at least I didn’t drink. Addicts lie. And since I’m in addict mode, the lies come easy. The less I say, the better.

I can tell you this: Nothing tragic in my life prompted this, nothing bad or traumatic. In fact, my life has never been better, Yet, I made a clear and conscious decision to get use. Planned and calculated. I’m not sure when my recovery started to erode, well in advance of my relapse, for sure. So to answer the question why did I relapse, without all the addict rhetoric, I’d say, simply, I wanted to high more than I wanted to be straight. So I turned my back on my recovery.

Now I’ve got to turn it around.

Thanks!

dupe

Hi dogonecarl. Welcome back. I think many will just be happy to hear from you, and see that green light come back on!

Using a question you've asked others before - was it worth it? I'm glad your back BTW..you had us worried there for a while.

Also glad you're back

Glad you are alright today and in the process of sorting things out, take care of yourself

How and why are not important right now, just glad you are okay.
Take care Carl.

I am glad you are back here with us. Take care. You are very important to us. :grouphug:

Carl, I'm glad you posted and that you're back and working on recovery again.

Glad your back Carl.

It was so nice to see a post from you! I have only been on this site a short time but you touch many people.

Welcome, home. :)

You are back and healing, so pleased to hear you are ok Carl :-)

Glad you are back on track. Glad you were able to.

So happy you came back, doggonecarl. :hug:

I was thinking about a three friends who relapsed for what, on the surface, were completely different reasons.

The first, Jack, had been making some plans, reorganising his life with a view to pursuing his dreams. Everything worked out in his favour, it could not have gone better. He got drunk.

The other, Jill, had a tragedy in her life. Her husband died unexpectedly. She got drunk.

Then ther was my friend Zac. Sober ten years there did not appear to be anything wrong with his life.

The external event does not seem to be the common factor that brought on the common problem.

In AA, we are told, alcoholics like us need to have a complete change of personality sufficient to overcome alcoholism. Called variously a psychic change, a conversion experience, a spiritual experience or awakening. This is accomplished through working the steps and helping others.

Jack and Jill did neither of those things, Zac helped others but never took the steps. None of the three managed to get that psychic exchange.

The outcome today? Zac died after three months drinking. Jack is still drinking, all his plans down the toilet, his wife and children have left.

Jill took the steps and now actively works with others. Her life has changed, she has been happily sober for a number of years.

Carl..its seems strange to say I feel some sense of relief that nothing tragic or unbearable occurred to prompt the relapse as the stumble is heartbreaking in of itself. I guess I'm glad you are not dealing with some sort of double whammy of pain. Perhaps it's more painful to realize that it wasn't some sort of monumental blow that prompted something. I dunno...

But geez I am curious...selfishly I guess. I'm sorry for that. A part of me is wanting to use your relapse as some sort of learning curve. That's horrid.

More than that...I don't want the stumble to turn into an absolute drowning. I'm hoping in time you will open up more about it. But I certainly respect wherever it is you are right now in your processing.

Just real glad you're still here...and hope you work your way through this with support rather than in your own head... a head that maybe being kinda nasty to you right now.

Anyhoo...thank you for the update.

Good to hear from you, Carl. Do what you gotta do.

I'm glad you're back Carl :)

D

So happy to see you're ok and alive. We are all still very much here for you! If you thought you taught us a lot before I believe you're going to provide even more knowledge to us.

Welcome home carl, we missed you:)