MythOfSisyphus

Your experience is more proof that we all must be vigilant. I'm not worried at all that some terrible ordeal could send me back to the bottle...my biggest fear is that I might one day forget how terrible an ordeal addiction was for me. At that lowest point back in Oct of 2012 I wanted to stop so badly that I almost didn't care if it killed me or not- death would almost have been preferable to being tormented by alcohol.

I think all of us are tempted daily to do things we would be ashamed to even admit out loud! It's part of who we are. But you can get through this, I know it.

bemyself

Dear Carl, I pray and hope that you can go easy on the guilt and instead, explore the opportunity for inner growth.

I say this knowing - with a little bitterness - how easily the guilt and other negative emotions from picking up again can spiral in a direct line downward. It achieves zilch. It just causes more suffering; and we can too readily pick up AGAIN on that. Today is a new day.

AlcoholFree66

Hi doggonecarl

That was a really honest and insightful post. I had over 6 years of sobriety and yes I did have a traumatic event in my life but like you I was not focusing on my recovery (I guess became complacent). Anyway it has taken me over 4.5 years to get to Day 28 sober (I have had some long periods of sobriety through this time - one year, one 6 month - but I'm now ready to fight the denial.

Things have got worse in the last 4.5 years (before I got sober) . I have done things and my dishonest behaviour has reached new lows. My only advice is get back on track sooner than I did. I lost so much self respect. BUT the thing about having had a decent length of sobriety is now I am loving my sober life. I remember how good life got. I know it is the only way for me to live. I hope you can get sober again soon.

LadyBlue0527

Tremendous post Carl and it's all that needed to be said. I am so glad to see a post from you, was getting worried.

IOAA2

Carl I’m so glad for you that your back and are aware of your situation. In the beginning I drank after a short period of being sober because I’m an alcoholic and it was the natural thing to do for a lot of irrational reasons.
Over many years we’ve seen too many go out and never make it back for various reasons. That is so scary for me as I also am one drink away from sobriety and I don’t know if I could make it back.
BE WELL ONE DAY AT A TIME.

FreeOwl

I think maybe the value in sharing what happened or what happened leading up to what happened lies in the potential to see for yourself just what the signs were of your eroding foundation of sobriety.

It probably snuck up gradually... it usually does. Yet there were probably signs.

You probably had wandered a little too far from some of the practices and rituals of your sobriety....

Perhaps you'd allowed yourself to get a little bit too far from the reminders and the actions that helped you remain firmly grounded in your reasons for sobriety...

In any case, looking at your own story - if not sharing it - for clues to these will be valuable going forward.

And, you know this; don't berate yourself for what happened. Look for the growth, renew your resolve and move forward.

doggonecarl

Insightful ramble, Instant. Thank you.

doggonecarl

Self-deception. Exactly. But to creep in, I must have lost sight of the goal to have so easily been lured away from it.

SoberLeigh

So relieved that you are okay and back with us, Carl.

Lean on us; we are here for you.

Stoogy

Carl, I have zero doubt that you will come back from this an even more determined person, you will learn so much from this and down the line when you look back you will realise that.

So glad you are back here Carl. Take care man.

doggonecarl

Great point. While I have made no secret of my drug past, identifying myself as an addict in posts where that information is relevant, I came to SR for my drinking and it is possible I "over identified" as an alcoholic, leaving the door cracked for drug use.

Eddiebuckle

Carl,

Thanks for having the courage and honesty to start this thread. I first got sober about four and a half years ago, and for the most part I do just fine. I work my program almost every day, go to meetings, read, etc. In general I make my sobriety the highest priority in my life because I know that if that goes, everything else that I value is right behind it.

I have never relapsed chemically, but every once in a while my head just is not right. It's hard to describe and it doesn't occur under exactly the same circumstances, but when it's happening it's as real as my heartbeat. The big book uses the expression "restless, irritable, and discontent" and that's as good a description as I've found.

When this has happened, I have needed to adjust my routine, or the people and circumstances I expose myself to. It takes time, but I have regained my sense of balance every time it has happened so far. The trouble is that once we've gotten through enough of these mini gunfights, I think we begin to subconsciously think we are bulletproof. Nothing could be further from the truth: I am as much an alcoholic today as the first morning I woke up in rehab.

There's a line in a Jimmy Buffett tune that goes "I just want to live happily ever after every now and then." I think that sums it up - no one in this life escapes the bumps and bruises along the way, and in time we all need to rest and recharge. The trick is knowing when we need to take the pit stop to gas up and throw on a new set of tires.

Carl, nothing of value comes without effort. Keep plugging away, and welcome back - your presence here has saved lives... I am one of them.

Regards,
Ed

doggonecarl

Thanks, Myth. Temptation indeed. In it's basest form. There was a huge element of pleasure seeking in this relapse, and I yielded to the temptation. I was like a sneaky 12 year-old kid who wasn't going to be denied his sweets.

doggonecarl

Thanks, Ed.
Your post strikes a cord. I wondered off the recovery path and did it unawares. I had my eyes on my accumulated sober time, not on what it took to get there.

jdooner

You helped me immensely Carl. I am in Las Vegas at a conference and the past two days have been difficult. For me the pull is towards the cocaine but the alcohol is always the lubricant to get me there. I don't believe I came upon your post by accident and it helped me become honest with myself. I was supposed to stay today for another dinner but deep in that decision was a motivation that was not true to my sober life. As such, I have called myself out and am leaving early. Part of this was possible due to your honesty to post about your relapse - thank you.

I read the book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, by Gabor Mate and it changed my life and opened up my eyes to addiction. I am in AA and currently involved in my steps. This process has taught me its not about the time its about the quality - to what ends are you willing to go to stay sober. You did a great job achieving the 1600 days but I feel this relapse for you is going to make you so much stronger. Tailor your new program so you can get into the fabric of the addict inside and include all substances and behaviors that are unhealthy for the life you desire.

Good luck and congrats for getting back on here!

Nuudawn

^^^^^^^ This. Thank you Ed. There is so much in this post that resonates hard and loud within me. I need to print it out and carry it in my back pocket.

Wonderful to hear from you again today Carl.

ImperfectlyMe

Firstly it's so good to have you back, and I really believe you have even more to offer the community having gone through what you're currently going through.

I have to ask. As one of the highly regarded members here, was there a tremendous amount of pressure to appear to have everything together as far as sobriety? I know for myself with only 14 months sober if I feel myself faltering I'd likely not post publicly, but rather reach out through a friend via private message. I have to wonder if sometimes here we can paint ourselves in a box, for fear of others perception or perhaps our own.

In any case just really proud of you and like jaynie said those 1600 days certainly show in the way you've handled the last few days!

MandalayVA

From one Virginian to another:

Keep fighting the good fight.

doggonecarl

You voiced a similar concern in another thread, where you said,

I always worried that those members of the community who many of us look up to such as yourself probably struggle but don't voice it here. For reasons of not wanting to let us down, or scare those with less time.

I feel I voice my struggles...when I recognize them. If there was any pressure being a long-time contributor and sober person, it was the pressure to announce my failure. The is a certain level of credibility that comes with being successful for years in one's recovery, a certain repute. While my four years wasn't enough to keep me from relapsing, it was almost enough to keep me from telling anyone. I actually entertained the idea that I'd keep my relapse a secret. That way I could just keep on pontificating about other people's recovery.

It wasn't pressure to appear to have everything together, it was being too prideful of my sober time. I'm aware now that the only day I should be proud of is the one day I make it through sober. Today.

Stoogy

Well done Carl, it would be all too easy to feel sorry for yourself as anyone may in this situation but you are showing the dignity and class I would expect of you.

Well done buddy.