My recent relapse
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
"You can't keep a good dog down"
I am glad you are ok and are getting back into recovery Carl. Like many here, I was waiting for that green light to get back on and I even did a very codependent thing and went several time on your profile to see if you had signed in at some point.
Since you are a dog lover, remember: "You can't keep a good dog down"
Ps: you are not the only one who relapsed after years, there are quite a few of us here who did and made it back so please don't feel like the lowest of the low.
Since you are a dog lover, remember: "You can't keep a good dog down"
Ps: you are not the only one who relapsed after years, there are quite a few of us here who did and made it back so please don't feel like the lowest of the low.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
I guess I am on SR as i do not see myself as cured, and i know i am the biggest threat to myself. So in relation to your post Carl, it matters to me how a 'clear and conscious decision' can be made without a prior set of conditions, bit i do wonder what these are- because it really matters.
A good few years ago i had six months sober. I had a planned 'relapse' that was meant to be one night. I guess it was a cold calculated decision- but there was that 'excitment' onCe the decision was made but had not started drinking (that was a day or so later at the party). It took me another few years of drinking /moderating (Lol) before i managed six weeks sober- that time i drank when stressed and angry.
now i am three years sober. For the most part I have felt what I call 'centred' in my recovery, and was able to detect when i drifted from that. Daily gratitude and some reflection and being more mindful was sufficient to rebalance if needed.
I guess where i am at now is that i have an awareness that 'dis-satisfaction' and fear come in a variety of forms- however it is easy to not be aware of their presence- and i wonder to what extent they drive my emotional reactions and thinking, when i am less attentive to their presence.
While i understand your reference to 'lying' - i wonder if in more general terms 'self deception' may precede it in some way.
My ramble concludes here.
A good few years ago i had six months sober. I had a planned 'relapse' that was meant to be one night. I guess it was a cold calculated decision- but there was that 'excitment' onCe the decision was made but had not started drinking (that was a day or so later at the party). It took me another few years of drinking /moderating (Lol) before i managed six weeks sober- that time i drank when stressed and angry.
now i am three years sober. For the most part I have felt what I call 'centred' in my recovery, and was able to detect when i drifted from that. Daily gratitude and some reflection and being more mindful was sufficient to rebalance if needed.
I guess where i am at now is that i have an awareness that 'dis-satisfaction' and fear come in a variety of forms- however it is easy to not be aware of their presence- and i wonder to what extent they drive my emotional reactions and thinking, when i am less attentive to their presence.
While i understand your reference to 'lying' - i wonder if in more general terms 'self deception' may precede it in some way.
My ramble concludes here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Lost in the midwest
Posts: 443
Carl, I'm going to say that I am proud to hear you admit that you turned your back on recovery. I did the same exact thing. I didn't have any good reasons, but I had an arsenal of excuses. Bottom line was that I simply turned my back on my recovery. Thankfully I know where I want to be, and I know how to get there. I know you do as well. Take care of yourself. Peace.
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
So glad you're back and posting, Carl. You're one of the family and we love you 
Kudos to you for keeping it a 'slip' and not letting it progress to a 'slide'. That shows real strength of character
Kudos to you for keeping it a 'slip' and not letting it progress to a 'slide'. That shows real strength of character
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 380
I see it that way too. It's just a very fine line, a split second decision to deliberately decide to use. Sometimes I wonder what prevents me. Other times I need to make a deliberate decision not to use or shoo it away, sort of. Fortunately, most of the time I just don't think about it. Hope you're doing okay. That's what's important today.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
constant guard
Originally Posted by doggonecarl 
my life has never been better
either down or up or in the middle
I must be on constant guard
if not as I have seen in my past
self deception creeps in before I even have a clue of what is going on
then kicking myself in the rear end
how did that happen ??
MM
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,036
It's good you're here, Carl. I'm glad you sound okay. I don't know whether you're thinking about continuing to use, but I hope you don't. The faster you get straight again, the safer, the better, the easier to quit. ((Carl))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Carl, I have gone back through your threads. There are not that many that you started, most of your posts are comments on other threads. In the ones you have started and your blogs, I read about your alcohol use. However, I either missed or there are none about drug abuse. There is also much about a debate you had to be honest with your wife regarding your alcoholism.
So the question I would pose is perhaps secrecy or lack of being open if it applies to your use has much to do with the strength or weakness of your program? Perhaps you did not get honest enough with yourself and others about your own addiction, which festered to a point of ambivalence between abstinence and being active?
I don't mean to hit you when your down, quite the opposite, trying to provide an observation on how to strengthen your program this time around.
So the question I would pose is perhaps secrecy or lack of being open if it applies to your use has much to do with the strength or weakness of your program? Perhaps you did not get honest enough with yourself and others about your own addiction, which festered to a point of ambivalence between abstinence and being active?
I don't mean to hit you when your down, quite the opposite, trying to provide an observation on how to strengthen your program this time around.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,334
Carl,
I've been away for a few days, so am now catching up. Sharing your situation is brave and generous. You've helped so many of us over the years, lean on your SR friends for a bit....you've got a lot more to give.
I've been away for a few days, so am now catching up. Sharing your situation is brave and generous. You've helped so many of us over the years, lean on your SR friends for a bit....you've got a lot more to give.
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