not2late

I'm on a roller coaster of clean days and drinking days. I was doing so well. I don't even remember what set me off. It's like I go into this dumb stupid phase and someone else takes over and I'm drinking...again. I just want to scream at myself and if I could whip my own xxx I would. I'm afraid to be alone because I don't trust myself. Just DO IT I tell myself. June HAS to be my month. We are also saving for a move so I just don't have the money to drink..as if I need another reason besides the trillion reasons there are already. I'm mad and frustrated and fed up. Tomorrow morning will be the finish of another day one and I'm so tired of starting over. So where are all those thoughts when I'm pulling into the liquor store parking lot?

Thanks to all of you here that help so many.

Dee74

Welcome back Not2late

Have you thought about joining the June class support thread - it might help give you more support, and some accountability too?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-2014-a-4.html

D

Imara

Yep, I hear you. It's the "why am I doing this again" question that I keep asking myself. Why is it so hard to self control when you know you will feel better in the morning if you don't drink (or at least a week later of sober days)? Why does your rational self lose to the additive, irrational voice despite the knowledge of past experiences? I am learning that this is really what addiction means--our rational voice has lost its muscle to the bully inside our heads. My only answer so far given my multiple failings is that we need 2 things--a strong support system to help us through the cravings & ravings in our head and will power/self discipline. Not too good with the latter so some sort of therapy seems to be needed to figure this self destructive behavior. After all, we're all good people deep inside who deserve to show our goodness to the outside. I want off this ride too--and it's never too late

KateL

I actually think that us who had sober days are lucky in a way. I feel sorry for those who cannot get off the ride at all and have drink in their system 24/7. It is dangerous for them to go cold turkey. I am grateful mine was binge drinking so I didn't have to withdraw to such a dangerous extent. That was enough of a nightmare so I imagie 24/7 drinkers would have a far more hellish time XXXX

Brian316

I was where you are for a long time. In the end, i found not only did i have no effective mental defense against the first drink, i could give myself a thousand reasons to take it. If you're an alcoholic will power only gets you so far. Have you ever invested yourself in a recovery program?

Cflexbxny

Hi not2late,

Going to the liquor became so much of a routine that I automatically beeline towards it every time I pass by it. Its like a gravity like pull that draws you to it... It happened to me today this evening walking home , just leaving a meeting!

Amazing how the mind can play games on you!

Just remember that how bad you felt last time you drank or go for the last time you made a complete ass*!@#$ of yourself and times it by 20.

That could help. Put SR on the main screen of your phone, a note on the inside of the shades in your car, a sticky attached to your ATM/credit card(Don't do it or Think about it)...

Just suggestions. I am new and don't know squat!

Stay strong and keep posting.

nwtx81

Not2late, I've been there as have almost all of us here. I couldn't stop drinking permanently on my own. It took a lot of support from friends and complete strangers alike for me. There are many people here who want you to succeed. Believe it or not, reading stories like yours actually help old drunks like me stay sober too.

Johnsonsober22

I agree with ntw

Soberween

I've been on that craptastic roller coaster. It may be time to step up your program. Whatever you are doing now is apparently not enough if you keep relapsing.

danyalcormier

Yup thats the same roller coaster ride I WAS ON..I jumped off and life is happier! Everyone that I thought disliked me ..didnt like that HIGH me. DUH.

danyalcormier

Ride to NO WHERE..Thank You Soberween

Nuudawn

Love the way you put that Imara...

Not2Late...I've had a number of kicks at this can myself. Just keep getting up friend...eventually our legs will hold and we will walk the good path; rather than continuing to stay stuck in manure.

There's a lot of folks here that will have your back if you let them.

not2late

Good morning all. Good nights sleep and I love a clear head. Cflexbxny..love the tips and I'm going to put some of those in place today. Brian..I cannot go to an impatient recovery because of my job but I'm thinking about counseling through EAP and I've been going to my doctor regularly. I'm going back in October and I want several months of clean under my belt. Dee..I will join June and I must make it priority to post there daily. I will need you guys..I'll be back. Thanks all.

FreeOwl

I clearly see in my mind's eye those many, many, many times that I'd promised myself "not today" and then as if by some force beyond my own, piloting my vehicle in the direction of the liquor store... all the while saying out loud thing like "What the hell am I DOING" and then "EFF IT" as I wandered like a man possessed in to just get 'one more' bottle of vodka.

it's a damn terrible feeling and I wish I could give you the code for breaking that cycle but I think we all have to find our own way out. I do know for sure that it was a combination of;

Becoming TRULY ready to accept that I am unable to control my drinking with any consistency when I allow alcohol into my life
Becoming absolutely fed up with the cycle and truly wanting it to stop
Taking REAL ACTION toward sobriety
Attending AA
Reading the Big Book
Coming on here daily
Reminding myself of all the reasons not to drink and all the reasons to stay sober
Getting active exercise
Having a PLAN (not just 'not drinking')

You can do it!