CleanaSerena

Greetings All,

Today I have 67 days clean and am a grateful, recovering addict. I'm currently learning "the ropes" of recovery. I am attending NA meetings about 3 times per week, have a sponsor, and have starting writing on my first step.

When I first got clean from a heavy addiction to my drug of choice 67 days ago, my husband was terrified and insecure upon my return from the hospital. The last time I got clean from my drug of choice a little over two years ago, I thought that I could drink alcohol. Instead of working a recovery, I went right from my drug of choice into alcohol. At the time, my husband and I were engaged to be married and I decided that I did not want to give us a chance and I asked him to move out and returned the ring to him.

That time, I stayed clean from my drug of choice for about 5 months, started dating other people and then eventually got back together with my now-husband. Slowly, I began to use again and my husband used once in a great while while I started to use all day every day.

Now, I never had cheated on my husband. I had broken things off before we were married and before I had met someone new. But now that I am clean again (but clean from EVERYTHING!) I am seeing signs of insecurity on his part because I had left him the last time. I try to explain to him that this time, I am not using drugs nor alcohol - which clouded my judgment last time. I am also in recovery this time and because we are married, I am committed to working on our relationship. I'd like to add that when we were broken up, he also dated and was intimate with someone else, so it wasn't just me and it wasn't like he was all alone on the sidelines.

Over time, he has relaxed a little bit but still checks my computer history, asks me who it is every time I get a text, and if I'm returning from a meeting a few minutes late because I stuck around to talk with others in recovery, he texts me wondering why I'm not home yet. This drives me absolutely nuts that I have no privacy. I feel like he is putting me in a box. It turns me off and makes me not want to be as close to him. Instead of taking me out on a date or being sweet to me to balance out this paranoia of his, he just makes me feel like I'm not worthy yet of being treated like a lady. Instead of compliments or doing nice things to me, he teases me and makes sexual jokes and innuendos, which makes me feel like an object. I've told him that I'd like him to balance out the crass comments with nice things so that I'm not only hearing things that sometimes make me feel bad about myself (even though they're veiled in humor and supposed to be jokes).

I'm not "allowed" to have innocent text or Facebook exchanges with recovering people who happen to be males (and who know I am married!). When I do it anyway, I end up feeling guilty and feel like I need to hide it from him because even though it is meaningless, it will cause more trouble with him than it is worth if I have to explain myself.

I've urged him to go to meetings for friends and family of addicts but he says that he doesn't have time with his schedule because he works nights. He has given no effort into working on himself now that I'm working on myself in order to increase the chances for success in our relationship. When I lost my job, I lost the insurance benefits that I provided for both of us that made counseling an option. Until I find another job, we cannot afford a therapist.

Anyway, I am not sure what to do about improving our marriage and how I feel within it. I have apologized for hurting him in the past, but it's as if he wants me to be able to go back in time and fix it and undate the person I dated even though, remember, he was also with someone else. I told him that I cannot do that and that he needs to stop shaming me and to get help with moving on so that we can move on together.

At times, I felt that I would do better if I could focus on myself and recovery alone because it is so hard to get clean, become a different person, and then find yourself in a marriage with someone who is used to you being a numb, passive person who didn't care about the relationship. I now have expectations for HIM being a good partner while I also try to be a good partner but it's as if he is more comfortable with doing nothing like we both did before.

I am missing an emotional connection which I very much want now that I am clean (did not care about when using). I do not feel passion or sexual excitement toward him either. But recently, the moment another man complimented me and paid attention to me, it set my heart aflutter. I feel like I'm starving for that kind of attention because I feel like my husband sees me as a sexual object but not as someone that he needs to put any effort into dating or behaving as a gentleman around. He sits around and farts loudly and has an occasional beer in front of me even though I no longer drink.

I dunno what I am really looking for from others in this forum. Any words of wisdom or advice would be nice. I do talk to my sponsor but she shows signs of codependency in her year-long relationship, is over 10 years younger than me, and has no experience in a long term relationship so I'm having problems really taking advice from her in this area. She seems to always side with him and accuse me and my "disease" of being the problem.

I'm feeling starved for love, but don't know if it can be fulfilled by my husband. He doesn't seem to understand me. When we talk, I open up to him and his eyes glaze over. His replies are one word answers just to acknowledge he heard me, but he didn't really listen (there's a difference) and definitely didn't participate. He doesn't seem to be able to engage in a full, two-way conversation. I'd LOVE to just be able to do this with a man. I feel like I'm really missing something in this relationship now that I'm clean. When I was using, I did not want or need anything from the relationship because I was married to my drug.

Any insight into my infinite post is appreciated!

Tamerua

Hi Serena! Congrats on 67 days, that is really awesome!

Honestly, I think you need to give him time, show him you are serious and that he is your husband (meaning not seeing anyone). I don't know how long you have been together but it is very stressful to deal with us when we are active in our addictions.

Work with your sponsor, keep doing your meetings, maybe only friend other women in the program for now. And keep up the great work!

Jupiters

"I do talk to my sponsor but she shows signs of codependency in her year-long relationship, is over 10 years younger than me, and has no experience in a long term relationship so I'm having problems really taking advice from her in this area. She seems to always side with him and accuse me and my "disease" of being the problem."

Congrats on 67 days! that is a huge accomplishment! 21 days here after a 6 week hiatus

anyways - that bit about your sponsor has me a bit concerned...taking sides and showing signs of her own co-dependency? eep.

EndGameNYC

There is a rupture, a wound, here that will not heal on its own. I've been working with couples for more than two decades. Many things can be accomplished using the 'Net, but couples therapy is not one of them. At least that's my experience.

You might try to find a local clinic that works on a sliding scale unless and until you have insurance (assuming that your husband doesn't).

If I were having relationship problems, or even if I weren't, I don't know that I'd choose to text with or exchange Facebook messages with women who are in recovery. I'm not excusing your husband's behavior, but there's a lot of stuff going on between the two of you right now.

Nuudawn

Congratulations on your 67 days. I like Endgame's wisdom on this. I think a marriage is worth real world work with a couple's counsellor or some sort of workshop kind of thing. There is soooooo much going on which would make true vulnerable connection extremely difficult...raw wounds, fear and insecurity is lousy soil that just grows weeds.

CleanaSerena

Thank you to everyone who replied! Since I posted the first message, there have been some great improvements regarding my relationship with my husband. The things that have helped is to go on long walks together where we have talked about issues without distractions. One major approach that has helped when we discuss issues is for me to examine myself first and figure out where the issues are with myself and what things are within my control. Our communication is wonderful because we both try to take a caring, non-blaming approach and discuss our perspective and needs instead of putting the other person on the defensive. We're both able to listen and let the other talk and then when each of us takes the turn to talk, we take responsibility for what is ours and tell each other what we can do moving forward to improve things. Our conversations are productive with the outcome being solutions and compromises and we end up feeling closer and connected afterward. I have a lot of positive feelings and hope for us and know that we can get through this. I feel like we're committed to truly being a team.

What has become a bigger problem since I last posted is my relationship with my sponsor. I've noticed that I have distanced myself a lot from her because I have felt that the codependency issue that I cited last time has made things not work well for me. Despite me expressing the fact that I'm committed to finding a balance that works for my recovery and gently telling her that it is not feasible for me to attend a meeting every single day (especially when she wants me to drive 45 minutes - an hour to attend the same meetings she attends when gas is around $4 by me, my income is only unemployment benefits while I look for a new job and dig myself out of financial issues that I put myself in as a result of when I was using). I do not want to engage in obsessive behavior where one area of my life takes priority and then becomes detrimental to other areas of my life. I do believe it is very possible to take the program "too far" where one is spending an unhealthy amount of time focusing on it and not fostering other things in one's life. Wouldn't that just become another addiction then - replacing the drugs? While I find it important to work on my recovery, I also need to spend sometime outside of it. What good does it do to constantly dwell on the fact that I am an addict? I feel like there needs to be some time "off" from that in order to lead a healthy and productive life.

There is a meeting that is down the street from me to which I can literally walk twice per week. Then besides that, I'll go to additional 1 - 2 other close by meetings. I also had to gently tell her that I cannot meet the expectation of calling her every single day either. I'm starting to feel that this sponsor relationship is more about her needing to feel needed and depended upon by me, more than about guiding me through step work. Part of why I do not have children is because I am not equipped to take on this level of obligation toward another human being. I'm better with other adults.

As I get more and more clean time, the more independent, strong, and confident I feel. I've been applying to jobs and had an interview last week that I was very excited about. I am an educated professional and am looking for a sponsor who is in a place and "has what I want" as far as that she has rebuilt her life after using and is independent and positive. As I feel more healthy, I notice that my sponsor seems less and less healthy. First of all, she is 12 years younger than I, barely works, has no education, and is 100% financially dependent upon a boyfriend and his mother. She also seems unhappy most of the time. I guess you could say that I "don't want what she has." I do not want to put in all of the effort to drive to meet her (she has never once come to me) or take advice on career and marriage-related concerns, seeing as though she doesn't have experience with either. We're just at very different places in our lives. I'm not saying my sponsor has to be the same as me; only that I want someone who has multiple years clean and has found happiness within herself and within her life.

I have started working my first step but am now kind of at a standstill since I have decided that I need a different sponsor. Through attending meetings and joining in fellowship opportunities when I can, I'm meeting more women in the program and learning who is at a good place for sponsorship. But I feel like it may still take more time to find someone else because I want to be sure it is a person with whom I can work.

Any feedback on these sponsorship issues would be greatly appreciated!

Anna

I also found that long walks, often with my husband, have helped me and us enormously. In fact, all these years later, I still do it. And, I can't emphasize enough how important balance in my life is to me. It's the glue that keeps it all together.

I have no experience with sponsors but it does sound like you need to find someone more suited to you.

KateL

Congrats on your sober time x