sober grief
Crazy Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
sober grief
i just found out that my uncle committed suicide today. he found his long term partner dead from natural causes. he didn't turn to anyone in his grief. he didn't even leave a note, just contact information for my Mom, his only sibling. he had mental health issues and had been off his medication for a while. i can't say that i'm surprised. i think i started grieving for him a while ago.
the good thing is, i don't want to drink. there's not even a glimmer of a thought of a craving. i haven't cried yet either. i think i'm just in shock. i was close to my uncle. i understood what was going on when he went off his meds. i take medication for bipolar disease myself. i knew he'd been engaging in riskier and riskier behavior over the past several months. it's just been a downward spiral for a while.
my mom called my husband who turned around from going to work and told me. my husband's working from home right now. i'll probably drive him in later but it's good that he was able to tell me in person. i think it's something that's helped a lot. i'm really grateful for him and his support.
my uncle jumped off a bridge onto an interstate. i mean, how does that even become an option for someone? i love him so much, but that just goes to show how sick he was. he's a kind, loving, caring person. he could have injured or killed an innocent bystander. i'm sure there were witnesses and they'll carry that memory of watching him jump for the rest of our lives. my Mom has to live with the fact that her only brother killed himself rather than calling her. my sister, who was very close to him, has to live with that as well. she won't fully understand what happened. she's not mentally ill like i am. i have a different perspective on this situation. like i said, this was a sad reality that didn't completely shock me.
grief while sober is difficulty but much better than grieving drunk. i'm able to be there for my family. i'm able to act with compassion and empathy for the people around me instead of selfishly sticking my head in a bottle. i'll be able to attend the funeral and properly conduct myself instead of showing up drunk and dramatic and making it all about me. i think that if i'd been drinking, this would have shocked me more because my emotions would have been all turned inward and all i'd be able to think about is what i could have done, why this happened and how it would effect me. being sober, all i want to do is be there and support my family. i'm grateful that sobriety is teaching me that it's not all about me. it's about participating in all aspects of my life. life happens and it makes more sense to roll with what happens than rage against it.
the good thing is, i don't want to drink. there's not even a glimmer of a thought of a craving. i haven't cried yet either. i think i'm just in shock. i was close to my uncle. i understood what was going on when he went off his meds. i take medication for bipolar disease myself. i knew he'd been engaging in riskier and riskier behavior over the past several months. it's just been a downward spiral for a while.
my mom called my husband who turned around from going to work and told me. my husband's working from home right now. i'll probably drive him in later but it's good that he was able to tell me in person. i think it's something that's helped a lot. i'm really grateful for him and his support.
my uncle jumped off a bridge onto an interstate. i mean, how does that even become an option for someone? i love him so much, but that just goes to show how sick he was. he's a kind, loving, caring person. he could have injured or killed an innocent bystander. i'm sure there were witnesses and they'll carry that memory of watching him jump for the rest of our lives. my Mom has to live with the fact that her only brother killed himself rather than calling her. my sister, who was very close to him, has to live with that as well. she won't fully understand what happened. she's not mentally ill like i am. i have a different perspective on this situation. like i said, this was a sad reality that didn't completely shock me.
grief while sober is difficulty but much better than grieving drunk. i'm able to be there for my family. i'm able to act with compassion and empathy for the people around me instead of selfishly sticking my head in a bottle. i'll be able to attend the funeral and properly conduct myself instead of showing up drunk and dramatic and making it all about me. i think that if i'd been drinking, this would have shocked me more because my emotions would have been all turned inward and all i'd be able to think about is what i could have done, why this happened and how it would effect me. being sober, all i want to do is be there and support my family. i'm grateful that sobriety is teaching me that it's not all about me. it's about participating in all aspects of my life. life happens and it makes more sense to roll with what happens than rage against it.
Crazy Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
thank you, everyone. i just spoke with my Mom. she's upset but scrambling to notify everyone. she's on the way to my Nana's place to let her and my grandfather know. not sure how that's going to go.
she told me several times to not be alone. she's afraid that i'm going to drink. to be honest, it started to get to me that she kept telling me what i have to do. i didn't argue with her. i just let her know that i wouldn't be alone. it started to make me angry that she felt that she needed to tell me (over and over) what to do to keep myself sober. to be honest, if i wanted or needed to drink over this, then there'd be something major wrong with my sobriety and my program. i think this is something that normies don't get. when i'm in my alcoholic mindset, i will turn to alcohol to cope with anything in life. as i am right now, i'm automatically turning to sober grief actions and thinking. i didn't get cross with her. i think part of it was that she felt like she could prevent anything bad happening to me by directing my actions. honestly, i just let her say whatever she wanted. i think it helped her more than myself and i'm fine with that. again, my drinking brain wanted to tell her that i'm a grown ass woman and i could take care of myself and she needs to worry about her own self right now. sober me let her do what she needed to to feel like she has control over something in her life. sober me allowed compassion to direct my words and actions, not selfishness.
she told me several times to not be alone. she's afraid that i'm going to drink. to be honest, it started to get to me that she kept telling me what i have to do. i didn't argue with her. i just let her know that i wouldn't be alone. it started to make me angry that she felt that she needed to tell me (over and over) what to do to keep myself sober. to be honest, if i wanted or needed to drink over this, then there'd be something major wrong with my sobriety and my program. i think this is something that normies don't get. when i'm in my alcoholic mindset, i will turn to alcohol to cope with anything in life. as i am right now, i'm automatically turning to sober grief actions and thinking. i didn't get cross with her. i think part of it was that she felt like she could prevent anything bad happening to me by directing my actions. honestly, i just let her say whatever she wanted. i think it helped her more than myself and i'm fine with that. again, my drinking brain wanted to tell her that i'm a grown ass woman and i could take care of myself and she needs to worry about her own self right now. sober me let her do what she needed to to feel like she has control over something in her life. sober me allowed compassion to direct my words and actions, not selfishness.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
DG - Prayers for your uncle, family, and you. 
You are so right - dealing with things in a healthy way & not hiding from them by getting numb is the only way to live. I'm so proud of you for seeing that. I love the last paragraph of your first post - thank you.
You are so right - dealing with things in a healthy way & not hiding from them by getting numb is the only way to live. I'm so proud of you for seeing that. I love the last paragraph of your first post - thank you.
Crazy Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Well, my day is over but for dinner. I made it to my meeting and my friends were there. I held it together until a guy started talking about his suicide plans. I started crying but i was close to the door so i was able to wait it out out there until the sobbing subsided. It doesn't feel real. I feel so useless being so far away. I almost don't feel like a member of the family. I dunno. Mom just wants me to stay sober. I'm not afraid of a relapse. I hate being treated like a live grenade. Ah well. I can't change how Mom feels.
My uncle wrote that he couldn't live without his partner. I can understand that but it's life. Odds are, you're going to outlive someone you love dearly. Your parents, your siblings, your partner, your spouse, even your child. Suicide isn't the answer. It's not that you go on living for the sake of your loved ones. You go on living because it's life and that's all you've got. He had so many more years ahead of him. He never will meet his grand niece or nephew when i have a child. He won't get to experience my sister getting married, if that happens. It's just done. Over. Gone.
Maybe i'm being selfish, wanting him to live after his partner died. I don't know. I just feel so sad that all of his self worth was wrapped up in a dying man. My love wasn't enough. I'll never stop loving them and i'll never stop missing them. It's just hard to know that he made that decision. I want to hug him. I want to kiss him. I want to hear him say "why hello, my favorite niece" and tell him he says that to all his favorite nieces. It's like someone took part of my love away and left me with a sad pit instead. I planted some flowers in my garden and they withered and died overnight. The ground there is scarred. I will plant flowers there again but they will never compare to the flowers that died.
My heart is so heavy.
My uncle wrote that he couldn't live without his partner. I can understand that but it's life. Odds are, you're going to outlive someone you love dearly. Your parents, your siblings, your partner, your spouse, even your child. Suicide isn't the answer. It's not that you go on living for the sake of your loved ones. You go on living because it's life and that's all you've got. He had so many more years ahead of him. He never will meet his grand niece or nephew when i have a child. He won't get to experience my sister getting married, if that happens. It's just done. Over. Gone.
Maybe i'm being selfish, wanting him to live after his partner died. I don't know. I just feel so sad that all of his self worth was wrapped up in a dying man. My love wasn't enough. I'll never stop loving them and i'll never stop missing them. It's just hard to know that he made that decision. I want to hug him. I want to kiss him. I want to hear him say "why hello, my favorite niece" and tell him he says that to all his favorite nieces. It's like someone took part of my love away and left me with a sad pit instead. I planted some flowers in my garden and they withered and died overnight. The ground there is scarred. I will plant flowers there again but they will never compare to the flowers that died.
My heart is so heavy.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
I'm sorry Dg.
Suicide is hard for the survivors - there's some good reading in the Grief and Loss stickies that might help you make a little more sense of what you're feeling.
I'm a firm believer in the idea you don't need to be there physically to say goodbye too.
Find a quiet, peaceful place. Allow yourself to remember, smile, and grieve....and remember there's an endless well of support here Dg - we got your back
D
Suicide is hard for the survivors - there's some good reading in the Grief and Loss stickies that might help you make a little more sense of what you're feeling.
I'm a firm believer in the idea you don't need to be there physically to say goodbye too.
Find a quiet, peaceful place. Allow yourself to remember, smile, and grieve....and remember there's an endless well of support here Dg - we got your back
D
Crazy Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Thanks, Dee, i'll check that out.
The news is reporting on my uncle's death and that he left a note for the police indicating that his partner was dead in their house. They report that his partner didn't have any signs of trauma but that there isn't an official cause of death. So basically, people are left wondering if my uncle is a part of a murder/suicide.
I want to kill the reporters. Okay, not kill but i am so angry. They aren't going to report anything about my uncle's partner dying of natural causes. How dare they mar his death like this. I know it's not malicious but i can't help but feel so much anger about this. I'll let it go but i wasn't even thinking about them putting this spin on it.
The news is reporting on my uncle's death and that he left a note for the police indicating that his partner was dead in their house. They report that his partner didn't have any signs of trauma but that there isn't an official cause of death. So basically, people are left wondering if my uncle is a part of a murder/suicide.
I want to kill the reporters. Okay, not kill but i am so angry. They aren't going to report anything about my uncle's partner dying of natural causes. How dare they mar his death like this. I know it's not malicious but i can't help but feel so much anger about this. I'll let it go but i wasn't even thinking about them putting this spin on it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
I'm impressed at your commitment to sobriety through all this.
Grief is so painful. Keep posting here.
I can appreciate being bothered when people assume you're at risk of relapsing or treat you as if you are fragile. That bugs me too.
Grief is so painful. Keep posting here.
I can appreciate being bothered when people assume you're at risk of relapsing or treat you as if you are fragile. That bugs me too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
DG, I am so sorry for your loss, I am sad for you all and I am sad for your uncle.
You sound reflective, unfolding all your feelings and thoughts.
Grief is a tough one, especially when it is someone that is so close. It changes our world.
You are in my thoughts.
You sound reflective, unfolding all your feelings and thoughts.
Grief is a tough one, especially when it is someone that is so close. It changes our world.
You are in my thoughts.
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