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Self-compassion vs. Self-pity: Dealing with Emotions

Old 06-02-2014, 06:27 AM
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Self-compassion vs. Self-pity: Dealing with Emotions

Hi dear SR-friends,

I'm close to the 100-days-mark (on day 94 precisely) and I'm relieved to say I'm doing rather well. I seem to be quite done with my former lover alcohol, at least my perception of it has changed massively: There's hardly any allure left if any at all - why would I go back to a drug that kept me in a miserable loop of low self-esteem, of mental and emotional obsession/ dependency and a perpetual sense of victimhood?

Farewell, My Lovely!

However, these past 13 weeks haven't been easy at all. I've been awash with long suppressed feelings: I'm letting myself be vulnerable, raw, maybe for the first time in my entire adult life and I'm refusing to rationalize these feelings away, to get into my usual pep talk (if I'm friendly) or into my carrot-and-stick policy to get the tired horse that I am, going.

I've been trying a new approach. Radically new, to me, that is: No fix. No resistance.

My journey's been all about acceptance so far. ALLOWING myself to actually FEEL and trusting not to be swept away is a new concept to me. And, it ain't easy, no, ma' am. Because a lot of these feelings haven't exactly been puppies and rainbows, quite the contrary. But apart from being totally exhausting, it's been liberating, to say the least, because in this surrender lies freedom, in my opinion. And healing.

Maybe someone can relate?

However, I've got a question: I think that there's quite a fine line between self-compassion and self-pity. While the former is a necessary tool/ attitude for healing and self-empowering growth imho, the latter is part of the deluded thinking that led to abuse. Do I make sense here? And if so, how do I learn to distinguish between the two of them? How did you do it?

Looking forward to your invaluable opinions/advice and thanks for letting me share. I'm mighty grateful for being part of this wonderful family.

J.
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Old 06-02-2014, 06:35 AM
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I think I understand what you're saying. For example I suffer with depression and I have long bouts of just trying to push away those things, stay positive- all the things people say you should be doing.

But I find that doing this for too long makes me extremely stressed. When I finally give in and go "hey, I have depression. I feel crap right now", I actually feel a ton better. But if I dwell on that feeling for too long, my depression becomes worse.

Maybe a good way of striking a balance would be to create a "worry period"- I've heard it recommended for general anxiety disorder, so think to yourself "I'm going to let myself be sad/anxious/worry about things at half six for half an hour". It seems very structured, but I imagine that would work.
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Old 06-02-2014, 07:15 AM
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Hi Mr Ben, I hear you, particularly the part of "dwelling": While I find it's really helpful to acknowledge the feelings and allow them to be there, to be with them for a while, I think it's counter-productive to kind of "sink into" them. Maybe that's where the self-pity part starts?!

So far I've been handling this topic more or less intuitively - I don't know if I could actually give my feelings a time-frame or whether they would stick to it ;-)

Thanks for writing!

Last edited by strayJ; 06-02-2014 at 07:21 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 06-02-2014, 08:14 AM
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Really love this post...and I'm with ya on it. I have come to think of self pity as part of my addictive voice really...and self compassion? Well, that's the one I'm working on.
Thank you for articulating something that has been bouncing around in my brain yet somehow "unfigured". Congrats on your success in sobriety.
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Old 06-02-2014, 08:44 AM
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Originally Posted by strayJ View Post
However, I've got a question: I think that there's quite a fine line between self-compassion and self-pity. While the former is a necessary tool/ attitude for healing and self-empowering growth imho, the latter is part of the deluded thinking that led to abuse. Do I make sense here? And if so, how do I learn to distinguish between the two of them? How did you do it?
J.
For me:
Self-compassion: a positive attitude of acceptance of my strengths and weaknesses, all together, in one package. The ability to view myself as it is, let it be, rather than condemning certain parts or wanting to cut them out. Even the fact that I have addictive urges and tendencies. They are just thoughts and feelings, if I don't act on them, they do not bother my positive self image. I like the idea of accepting some of our cognitive dissonances as they are rather than always adjusting everything to make perfect sense. WE all carry lots of internal conflicts and new ones are born everyday. Without acceptance, it's a constant war. With acceptance and compassion, it's peace. Easier said than done, but basically what I think and try to do.

Self-pity: beating up myself for things and criticizing my flaws and some of our impulses, motivations, etc. Wanting to cut out certain parts of ourselves hoping that by doing so we'll become better, but not really working on it actively. And projecting these maladaptive desires in a way that "poor me, I was given this malady, why me..." etc.

Now there is a third thing in my mind, that's probably just as important. Self-development and improvement. For me, this only works well if I first manage to accept a certain feature of me reasonably well, then try to find realistic ways to change it. When I succeed, the result will lead to more self-compassion, also because I like the "new version" better. This type of self work also leads to increasing self-confidence rather than the stagnating state of pity when we are stuck with something.
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Old 06-02-2014, 11:50 AM
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Thanks for you kind replies, Nuudawn and Haennie!

@Nuudawn: I'm with you regarding the self-pity as an aspect of the AV, or maybe even an enabler of my addiction.

I've been dealing with a lot of grief over trauma lately that I've been avoiding with the help of alcohol at all costs. I know that the feeling is valid and long overdue. It is, finally, necessary and ok to grieve. I can dare to touch upon these issues, I'm strong enough now.

What I want to avoid though is falling into a pit of despair caused by self-pity. I don't think it would lead me back to drinking right now, because it has lost a lot of its appeal for me (see above), luckily. But self-pity wouldn't be helpful at all. I need to address these issues, face them emotionally, even embrace them with kindness and a loving heart and then I would like to be able to let them go. I think compassion would make that kind of healing and detachment possible; self-pity on the other hand would keep me engaged and would lead to resentment. Not helpful.

I'm trying.

Thanks, Nuudawn and wishing you very well on your own journey, I know you're having a hard time at the moment. Hugs.

@ Haennie: Gosh, you are fast and detailed ;-) Must have thought about this for quite a while, eh? Gotta think about what you wrote a little longer...

Spontaniously this rings a bell: "Without acceptance, it's a constant war. With acceptance and compassion, it's peace. Easier said than done, but basically what I think and try to do."

Absolutely! That's exactly what I've been trying to do, too. How I long for that peace! I'm so tired of all the ego-related crap. If I had to come up with a wish for this year I'd say: Peace within myself. Whatever it takes. But that's another topic.

Thanks for your take. Will dwell on it ;-)
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Old 06-02-2014, 05:41 PM
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Strayj...you really sound like you have got a handle on it wherein you know what needs to done. We need to feel, deal and accept.
But holy spumoli...how is that done?
I imagine that is what we must learn.

Thank you so much for your well wishes. I think I finally got some good headspace to work with these days. Only time will tell.
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Old 06-02-2014, 06:39 PM
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I think it's what Eckhart Tolle calls "Accepting what is". Most of the struggling in our lives is brought on by resisting what is.

Such a simple concept and yet so difficult for us to do. But, the point Tolle makes is that when we resist, complain, whine about what's upsetting us, we don't move forward. When we stop and accept what is, not necessarily like it, just accept it, then our mind will find peace.
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Old 06-02-2014, 09:04 PM
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StrayJ- talked about this to a therapist saying well I can't be a victim--AA and all the other books say you can't say that because it's self-pity and resentments which will make me drink. Her words and advice helped because she said that yes I am a victim of things. That I can claim that and nurse it and have self pity for awhile because I would have pity for others who were/are in the same situation. To not beat myself up and think I needed to give up self pity immediately but be gentle (the beginning of self compassion) with myself while I worked on things. Then the pity turn into self-compassion which is actually strength. Knowing you are worth compassion from others and yourself is the sign of maturity and strength. That will rid you of self pity as you won't view yourself as a pitiful creature anymore- you will see yourself as a worthwhile human being. I second what Anna says- Tolle, DeMello, Frankl, Merton, the Power of Now or mindfulness or whatever you practice/read to ground yourself in perspective.

You ever hear the saying religion is for those who want to avoid hell and spirituality is for those who have been there? I have found that saying to make a lot of sense recently!
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Old 06-02-2014, 09:46 PM
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I think that when I am mired in self pity, I am living as a victim. Life happened tat me and there was nothing I could do. Some malicious force is acting against me and I have been wronged. I have been harmed and stepped on and it's effing personal.

When I experience self compassion, I accept the pain that I have experienced and I let it become a part of my life story. I'm like a sieve. Pain and hurt and anger wash over me but instead of hoarding them, I let them get me wet but pass through. They still touch me and I get wet but I don't hold onto them and guard them and use them to keep myself drowning in misery. I am not a victim. I am human and these negative experiences are part of humanity. If I let them go, using acceptance and forgiveness, I let myself experience the sunshine of the universe and become dry again.

Self pity is hurt without acceptance or forgiveness. Self compassion is hurt with love, acceptance and forgiveness.
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Old 06-03-2014, 08:32 AM
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Thanks all, for your thoughtful and very helpful posts - I just nodded my head in agreement to all of them :-)

@ Nuudawn: Thank you, dear; I'm trying, is all I say. You know, I'm so fresh into this that I hardly dare to speak, just quietly trudging along on the path that feels right which is acceptance and again, ALLOWING myself to feel, to stay with the feelings, instead of running away from them, from me.

Gosh, I got so tired of running away that one day I decided: Enough, enough, enough, no more running, no more pretending, no more inadequate fixing. It's been cathargic, to say the least, and healing. Maybe the healing begins at a point where we wave the white flag and simply surrender and admit defeat in a sense that we accept, yes, life is painful, yes, we don't get our ways and yes, we don't have a fix. And then we are, maybe, finally able to relax into the delicate and fleeting and painful beauty of life.

I'm glad that you found some space to mentally "breathe" again - please be gentle with yourself; I think we've beaten ourselves up too long already -I did-, it's time for a new approach?! Hugs.

@ Anna: Yes, yes, yes! Acceptance is key for ending the war. Funny, I just read something that is probably not very new, nevertheless for me worth being reminded of on a very frequent basis: Happiness is a (constantly-being-made) choice. So true. It's all about perception. My perception. I own it. If I accept a situation, whether past or present, it is no problem, no war. If I resist it, if I fight it, there's war, and drama, internal and or/external. My choice. Gotta read Tolle again. Beautiful.

@ Jenny: Thanks for sharing! It seems to be a good approach to learn how to be your own good friend while working through things: When would you nod your head in understanding, compassionately sharing the pain that he/she is feeling, giving it the space and time it needs to be acknowledged and healed and when would you feel that he/she is a little "off" and needs a little nudge towards another direction/ perception? Could be a good benchmark. Thanks again!

@ DisplacedGRITS: I just LOVE your definition, I guess it pretty much sums it up: "Self pity is hurt without acceptance or forgiveness. Self compassion is hurt with love, acceptance and forgiveness." Bravo!
And this here, DG, is so beautiful: "I'm like a sieve. Pain and hurt and anger wash over me but instead of hoarding them, I let them get me wet but pass through."

Yes, I am that sieve, too. And I am quite wet, but I am smiling.

Thanks for your beautiful, I'd say even poetic answer. ;-)

J.
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Old 06-08-2014, 08:53 AM
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This is an interesting thread. Thanks.

It seems to me that the most important distinction between self-compassion and self-pity lies in the definition of compassion. Most often, compassion includes a desire to help the sufferer. Thus, self-compassion is about caring for self and wanting to do something (hopefully healthy) about suffering. Self-pity is about feeling sorry for self but having little desire and taking no effective action toward improving one's state.

Self-pity is about stagnation.
Self-compassion is about growth.
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Old 06-08-2014, 09:08 AM
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This is an interesting thread! A lot of what crossed my mind has already been said.

I came to the conclusion that in the most simplistic terms self compassion has no underlying motives. Self pity does.
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Old 06-08-2014, 01:10 PM
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Very often, the road to compassion goes through self-pity. The pain becomes so intense that we ultimately need to make a choice between staying (which is no decision at all) or working on building a better life for ourselves.
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Old 06-08-2014, 01:36 PM
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In keeping with Endgame's comments, I came upon this little nugget today ...

"Relational injuries puncture our “love tanks” from childhood through adolescence to adulthood. As our emotional reserves drain away, addiction, conflict with others, and depression are distinct possibilities. If our parents did not teach us to identify and express our feelings, we may find ourselves choosing new situations that simulate old injuries.

Left untreated, emotional wounds fester, leading to pain worse than the original wound. Paradoxically, until the painful consequences of our reactive behavior feels worse than the emotional pain we’re trying to medicate,5 we will continue to engage in harmful behaviors. In other words, we only stop when the iceberg sinks us."


The author went on to say that it is the feeling of pain..rather than its eradication that will lead us to recovery...along the lines of ..when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain in change...

The iceberg he speaks of is all the maladaptive behaviours/addiction we use to eradicate pain...but pain is vital as it is the messenger. It is the wound that requires healing..

But as someone else noted...we want the sort of pain that instills action rather than the one that promotes shame..and the need for escape.
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Old 06-08-2014, 02:05 PM
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But as someone else noted...we want the sort of pain that instills action rather than the one that promotes shame..and the need for escape.[/QUOTE]

Yes, I was kind of getting at that. When we feel compassion for an abused puppy, for example, our heart yearns to do something to help. When we feel self-compassion for our own suffering, this seems to imply we want to do something about it rather than engage in an eternal pity party or just try to escape.

I think a willingness to feel pain is essential. This counts for physical as well as psychological suffering. As accidents and grief piled up in my life, I found myself shifting from enjoying the party to partying to escape the pain. This was a major shift in my addiction timeline. Along with that came self-pity rather than compassion. I beat myself up rather than treating myself gently and attempting to heal.

After I quit drinking, I soon realized I needed to quit painkillers, as well (even though I was not a daily user). This was frightening. I could no longer hide from emotional or physical pain. In just a few short months (and it hasn't been easy), I am realizing I didn't really need the painkillers (or the alcohol, obviously) in the first place (or at least not after a few weeks post-car accident). By mindfully facing the pain combined with consciously developing loving-kindness for myself, I believe some inflammation has subsided, and my physical pain is less than when I was drinking and using the painkillers. Truth be told, I took the painkillers as a sedative more than anything else.

Self-pity includes thoughts like, "I am such a loser," or "Life isn't fair."
Self-compassion sounds more like, "I am a human being that could use some help," and "It is what it is."
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Old 06-08-2014, 02:09 PM
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There's actually a clinical phenomenon known as "agliophobia," or a fear of pain. It's extremely debilitating and feeds both addictive behaviors and its own brand of psychopathology. As with many clinical states, most people who suffer from agliophobia aren't aware of it. They typically don't make it to treatment because, among the more severe cases, even leaving one's home is rife with opportunities to experience pain.
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Old 06-08-2014, 02:34 PM
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Thanks all, interesting aspects here and a lovely nugget... I'd love to join in but it's getting really late here and it's been a rough day (100) unfortunately.

So, sober bedtime-greetings for now

xx, J.
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Old 06-08-2014, 02:37 PM
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Nuudawn- that makes total sense. I think that is what happened to me. Last week I got books on PTSD and ACOA and well I am starting to put the pieces of the puzzle of my life. My stores hit a point that they were drain. Being ACOA I was always a people pleaser, co dependent, didn't like to stir the waves and never stood up for myself. So each relationship drained me more and more. I feel exhausted and empty. I guess though I am saying it all is difficult, but I am not saying it's difficult poor me or even worse if you had my life you would drink too. I am coming from the vantage point of mourning and at the same time looking at my mistakes and researching and growing. I guess that is self compassion (or growing a brain-take your pick!!).
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Old 06-08-2014, 02:45 PM
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This is a timely thread for me right now. As a beginner on recovery road, I'm trying to sort through a few things. So thanks for sharing.

- MITA
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