Nuudawn

Yes..we cannot deny that there is a self nurture aspect of addiction.It numbs the pain and we can control its application. It also readily available...yadda yadda.. but it's not an effective remedy as it numbs the pain, discomfort, anxiety etc..rather than heals it.

So ya..self compassion...self nurture...growing a brain..lol..growing up...individuating from mommy and daddy...maturing.

All that good stuff.

Dee74

hope tomorrow will be better for you StrayJ

D

Aellyce

Well, in addition to the fears of pain and self-numbing with drugs... there is also an element of addiction that is actually discussed in the scientific literature also. It's being addicted to pain and suffering. It's perhaps easiest to see in codependency and in relation to abuse. The individual is drawn to experiencing the same or similar discomfort over and over, because that's what they know best. I think many people with substance addiction, especially those that started abusing early in their life, experience a similar phenomenon. After a while it's not simply (or necessarily) the pleasure obtained from drug use that we are seeking, but also all the chaos and drama associated with it, and the intensity of our own suffering. Probably because some of us don't really know how to experience happiness (note, I'm not talking about pleasure here more a complex satisfaction in life) but know intensity, so we continue seeking out the intensity in excess and momentum, even if it's intense discomfort.

My own version of this is related to a discussion on another thread that is addressing the "roots of addiction". I wrote there that it's often said we use addictive behaviors to fill/create a void in ourselves. That was definitely the case for me. As an active alcoholic, I was so "deeply in love" with that self imposed void and darkness that after a while I was uninterested in everything else except digging in that hole, digging in everything that frightened me and disturbed me, not finding it aversive at all that I would scare the *** out of myself with it on a daily basis. People tended to try and pull me out of that hole every now and then, but I ran away from every attempt being completely hooked on and attached to that quiet deep dark desolation. It's a very weird phenomenon.

I've actually learned early in my life that I tend to be attracted to all sorts of unusual things, but one can do this in healthy and constructive ways also instead of burying ourselves alive and dwelling on the darkness and despair. To me, this is part of self compassion: I do not deny and ignore that I have some weird interests, but they don't need to destroy me if channeled the right way.

zerothehero

"...because that's what they know best."

For some, this could be in part due to fear of the unknown. Some people stick with the darkness or continue to endure abuse, for example, because moving on is just too frightening. Consider the child who covers for an abusive parent for fear she will end up in some unknown and possibly more horrible foster situation.

Regardless of how it starts, habituation sets in. It could start with thrill-seeking, and then a balanced and safe life just seems too damn boring. Paradoxically, "chaos and drama" becomes normal (the "known") and sitting still and examining the mind becomes the perceived threat.

We all have our favorite blankets. I dragged mine around until it decayed around me and left me naked and vulnerable.

EndGameNYC

Yes. In my field this is referred to as "repetition compulsion," the compulsion or desire for mastery over past hurts (a simplification), that generally operates unconsciously, and therefore in a very powerful way. We're drawn to experiences later in life that mimic situations of early abandonment, loss, abuse, and suffering in general as a means of overcoming our unwanted feelings. It's a maladaptive solution to a complex set of problems that only makes things increasingly worse, including our providing our worst fears with more power and, thereby, making them more deductive.

Though it's not uncommon for people to figure out these unhealthy repetitions on their own (and similar to alcohol and other addictions), it's extremely rare that this knowledge alone helps them to break the cycle. We see it in our choice of partners all the time, and we continue to wonder why things went so wrong.

Aellyce

YES, that's exactly what I am talking about.

jenny11785

Zero, End and haennie- Thank you for your words. I dated/married the same man. No actually I had three relationships with three different individuals but inside they were the same person. That was my repetitive compulsion. I ended up with PTSD and started drinking heavily for 6 months which then got diagnosed with alcohol abuse. I was always fearful (the devil you know is better than the one you don't), insecure, lacked self esteem and if any of them told me I was a bad person or a bitch when I stood up for myself I believed it. I guess understanding that and saying to myself well what do I need to do to stop this or to get over it is compassion and not pity. I have compassion for myself to know I (and others) deserve better than this!

Aellyce

Jenny - what you describe, including the insecurity, self-esteem issues, and allowing these to be heavily influenced by those partners is quite common, I think.

One thing I would recommend is to get help with this from a professional if you have not done so yet. As for the repetition and underlying issues: as far as I understand, many people who have these problems seem to be superficially really seeking connection with certain kinds of other people, but under the surface they are also afraid of the attachment it entails and in fact avoid true healthy attachment.

Yes, compassion and working on loving yourself is the best first step. Then, and others may disagree with me but this is what I think: I don't think the best strategy is to try to finally, definitively cut these cycles and force ourselves to not be attracted to similar traits. That's just another form of avoidance in my opinion. There are many safe ways to explore and process even the memories (and resulting desires) related to past abuse and things like that, in more mature ways that are not humiliating to the psyche, much more a release in a secure bond.

But again, the real effective first step is truly working on the self and all this compassion stuff we talk about. Maybe better not to get into a new relationship until that's taken to a good level.

jenny11785

Thanks Haennie!

Yes I am in individual therapy for the PTSD. I was floored-my intake took three sessions and the therapist looked at me and said I'm not surprised you have PTSD, I am very surprised you were never diagnosed with it. We are going to start EDMR therapy because she believes I block things out and can't deal with it when it is brought up.

I also am not starting a new relationship for awhile. I don't trust myself or other people. I know what I don't want but sometimes people can be wolves in sheep clothing!!

Aellyce

That sounds good, Jenny.

If you learn to trust yourself, you will most likely trust others also more easily. Or maybe trust the right people. Good luck

EndGameNYC

EMDR has proved to be very effective in treating trauma for some people. When a colleague was training EMDR, she asked me to be her guinea pig. I consented, and it made a noticeable and lasting difference.

jenny11785

Not to sound stupid, but was it scary? I am scared ******** and I will be starting this week!

EndGameNYC

Much as I'd like to help, I don't think I can speak on that for you or anyone else. I didn't go into my "sessions" with an obvious trauma that was currently haunting me. To the extent that you'll likely to be asked to recall whatever trauma it is that you're working on, it may be uncomfortable for you during each of your sessions in varying degrees. The more you're able to trust your therapist, the safer you'll feel, and the more effective will be the intervention.

jenny11785

Thank you End!

EndGameNYC

You're very welcome. I also don't want to contaminate your experience. This is between you and your therapist.

I should also add that I was about a year into my three-year relapse when I agreed to do the treatment.

Aellyce

This is not necessarily a bad end result. One of my most valuable experiences and emerging positive outcomes came from a pretty nasty major depressive episode that started to resolve ~a year ago from now. It made me lose control over pretty much everything and I was utterly dysfunctional for a while. In the end I let other people in and behind my walls because I pretty much had no other choice if I did not want to totally *** up my life. Seeking external help was very difficult for me before that but really has not been much of a problem ever since. Learning to be vulnerable in a constructive way often goes via some difficult and debilitating experience, I think. For me it also enhanced nearly all of my human relationships greatly. It wasn't without cost, but was worth it in retrospect for me and I needed that sort of force it seems. I believe it also contributed to my finally getting sober a few months later, although that was a more complex thing... but I had no problem asking for help, first on SR.

Interestingly, that kind of honest and open vulnerable attitude is also one of the traits that I now find most attractive in other people. So really not negative to wander around a bit "naked", losing the last bits of that blanket

zerothehero

Agreed. The blanket, after all, was a mere illusion.

Flying4Life

For myself the difference between self-pity and self- compassion is all about my attitude.

When I am practicing self-pity I obsess about the negative, thinking about "poor me" and being angry at or hurt by others. I blame others for my feelings and circumstances, I feel and act powerless and victimized. I get so caught up in blaming that I ignore the fact that I have choices I can make to change the situation or my perception of the situation, right now. Also, I am ignoring the blessings in my life and focusing on what I don't have. I am ungrateful and do not recognize my own power.

When I am practicing self-compassion I do what is necessary to take care of myself. If I am feeling sad I cry, if I am feeling angry I examine why and what can be done. Sometimes, all I can do in the moment is repeat the serenity prayer in my head or try to focus on the rhythm of my breathing and connect with my higher power. Other times, there are more concrete things that I can do, actions I can take to remedy or improve the situation that is causing pain. Maybe I can call someone, go for a walk, go to a meeting, take a nap, enjoy a bubble bath, or put on a load of laundry. Self-compassion to me is the openness to meet my own needs, take loving care of myself, accept my feelings, take action when appropriate, and remember that life is full of positive things even when circumstances seem difficult and that if I choose to focus on what I have to feel grateful about I will feel better.