ash0710

I am doing what I need to but my husband won't just let it be. I don't think making sure I hear about all my issues every single flipping day. I never cheated stole or compromised my marriage. So why must he belittle me over and over. He got sober 6 years ago but he doesn't understand alcohol and Meth are not the same to get off. In a way yes but he insists my recovery is not correct because I am doing it not way he did. Am I just being petty or is it as aggravating and not cool

Dee74

I think early recovery is hard for everyone Ash - hard on us and hard on our partners too.
I'm not saying he's right but it's not an uncommon initial reaction from spouses to rake over the coals a bit.

Do you have any other support besides us?

D

Ruby2

Hi Ash. I know your frustration. My husband, between relapses and sobriety, worked his AA steps with his sponsor. I, on the other hand, attend AA but haven't worked the steps. So, when I am feeling something going in he always starts with the "you should be...." It is frustrating. I get mad. Especially when I realized he was right about some things.

Do you have a neutral third party you can bounce ideas off of? A sponsor if you are in AA? A mentor? His recovery isn't your recovery and no size fits all. He might however be able to give you some perspective that you hadn't thought of. Hang in there.

ash0710

I have pretty much no one. I ask him things and he does give me insight. But he does tend to make what he did as the only way and if I don't go to sleep when he thinks I should. Etc. Its frustrating, I love Jim he is what holds me together. I do understand he has to work through it to. But he is very to the point and says hurtful things. I do not think its an intentional things. But him getting his feeling out. I keel my family out of it as they are toxic and I learned I had to walk away. I don't keep friends and the people I meet I soon learn are knee deep in using. Right down to my daughters best friends mom that I knew was a previous user, but it came out that even she keeps it close. Long way of saying nope, pretty much on my own and what prompted me to find a site like this.

ash0710

I have debated going to my husband's best friend who is also sober 8 years now. He would not break my trust and I could talk freely. But I don't want my husband to feel like I could go to another and not him. He would not. Be mad or think anything bad. But it may hurt him to know that he wasn't enough.

EndGameNYC

Doesn't sound like a good plan to me. What it does sound like is that the two of you may be in something of a power struggle. You both might want so see someone about that. Going behind his back with his best friend will only make things worse.

ash0710

I wouldn't do a behind the back. That appears sneaky. Its just someone who has been there. His talks to the friend about it as well. My husband to sum it up says one day all will be ok could take months or years. In the meantime that relates to I am alone until then. Me myself and I. That is not going to be easy, my mind never stops ans while my psychiatriat is really good with the meds he has me on it doesn't make my thoughts stop. I am not a happy medium, I guess that's the bipolar. It's one extreme or the other. Being alone sucks and I either end the marriage because I can't do that, or I deal with it. How is yet to be figured out

ash0710

Oh and time boredom are my worst enemy

Ruby2

are you interested in or willing to try AA or NA? I don't involve my family primarily because they just don't understand addiction. I attend AA meetings because people there understand what I'm going through. I'm slow to make friends but have met a couple of women who I regularly contact through texting or calling when I just need to vent about something or get their perspective or just even to say have a great day and laugh about silly stuff. It really does help but it did take me some time to get there.

Hang in there. Things do have a way of working out even if we don't see it right away. I would probably not contact your husbands friend about it even though you trust him and he could give you perspective. I did that once and it bit me in the butt.

ash0710

True. I have very limited people that would be of help. I don't do meetings, not yet. I have issues with being surrounded by people I do not know. I know they are not there to judge, they could relate but my colorful past has made me steer clear of any body I absolutely can avoid. Bad situation I was caught up in when younger, due to **** my ex husband was up to got me kidnapped. Trust is not an easy item. To top it off I save myself the disappoint. I am very blunt, I say what I think and I don't care. Don't ask how my day was if you aren't prepared to hear my answer. My mind is on the overly creative side. All I need is my husband and kids, when he is distant and no time frame as to when that gets better is hell. And if depression kicks in then I will be in a bad place. He doesn't see it like that, I know me and I know I am capable of thinking he would be happier if I was not around and do something stupid. Isolation is dangerous, my mom calls me the cat with 9 lives.

ash0710

I have asked him that we do not act as if all was great, but to just not be so over bearing and in my face with it. He can be mad, but some things once said can't be taken back. So I have to assume that he must actually think of me in a way I never expected. As long as I pay all the bills and tuck my self away in my room by myself he is ok. It will be interesting to see how well that works out

bookmaven

Could you and H try attending an Open NA meeting together? Even within the same program every persons recovery is their own. It's your life, your recovery. You have to own it. Are you willing to do ANYTHING to maintain your sobriety?

ash0710

Yes, I will do whatever it takes. Sick and tired of repeating this. I have asked that he try and stop comparing. I just hate it but I caused that. Not him

Aellyce

Ash, is it possible that at least in part the source of these conflicts between the two of you is that you are also strongly argumentative and react in a contrarian sort of way? Maybe it's like on SR - we tend to get along so well for the most part because there is a high level of general respect here. I think the same is important in a 1:1 relationship also, mutually. I think that power struggles are often caused by personal insecurities, so perhaps that would be something to address? These can be projected onto how we tend to relate to another person. I agree with the suggestions above, that if you need to talk with someone about this, the best would be someone relatively unbiased and uninvolved.