Regrets
 

Do you have them?

I always get nervous when I sign in and see "notifications pending"...but it was just deeker congratulating me on 7 months. But I started thinking....

My Grandmother has been really sick, but she is on the mend now. I have a pain in my back from sleeping on a tiny camp bed at her house (so I could help out and stuff). My brother skyped us from the US this morning. I started thinking my brother is in the states, my sister went to Australia for a while, I have loads of cousins in England, Thailand, Africa, New York. I have never travelled. I am 34 this year and this is my big regret. Actually, I would love to go to India but my dad was never happy with my plans. And I always felt like I needed his blessing but I don't really. I guess he was afraid I might drink or something. Actually he did say to me a few weeks ago "I guess if you went to India with a volunteer organisation and stayed safe it might be okay". I bet he will change his mind after what happened there last week, but anyway...

I met an old school friend of mine today. She is about to give birth to her first child. I guess I feel like everyone has moved on and I am kind of stuck here. Sorry if I'm not making sense xx

I also get nervous on "notifications", sometimes I think I've said something out of line to someone and Dee is coming to tell me off!! :)

Regrets? sometimes when I sit back and think of my 31 years so far, I can find loads, not maintaining friendships with many friends from high school, choosing a different career path, past relationships I've been in, certain decisions in life that have impacted where I am today!!

But I guess we don't know these things at the time, hindsight is a wonderful thing, and that makes us who we are, living life as we see it and call it at the time as it happens, it doesn't make things more right or wrong than anyone else's.

We'll all go through different milestones at different times, but I know what you mean, 30's seem's to be the time when the volume of wedding invitations and christenings seem to be cropping up for the majority of people I know, but that doesn't mean we have to be doing the same things to be having a "successful" life!!

You're making sense Tetra. Such thoughts are normal, but based on similar posts you've made on this subject, it seems you obsess on this a little too much.

The reality is you are moving on. You've been sober for 7 months and you are taking other measures to improve your life, so it does no good to keep comparing your current place in life to others. No one travels through life at the same pace and on the same schedule.

Have you talked about this with your therapist? If not, I would bring it up during your next session. From my perspective, it appears this issue is holding you back some.

I have tons. I'm 33, unmarried, single, no kids, no house. Most people I went to high school and college with are married, kids, many have purchased homes. Instead, I drank the years away, tried to hang with the younger party crowd, and blew all my money on clubs, drinking vacations, and alcohol. I have nothing to show for what I've done with my life except broken relationships. I believe my only chance to move forward is sobriety, I can't change the past, but I can change what I do going forward. But yeah, I feel like I wasted my life and everyone moved on...

just learn from the past I'm 35 and in the same boat--ure not alone

Tetra

I used to have so many regrets ! However, I have realised that regrets are just a delusion generated by your ego. It is a consequence of comparing yourself with your expectations and other folks. Its natural to have regrets but its also a delusion. By this I mean that regrets are imaginary, a ghost of the past.

We all have regrets. IMO, the key is to remember that they are a fantasy and as with other negative emotions, to let them go. They only harm.

Hope that helps

I have so many regrets I can't count them. If I had done things completely differently I'd have just as many, they would just be different. I agree with Kaneda, but that doesn't mean we can't learn from things or use some of these thoughts to steer a new course. I heard something once that I liked. "The past is like the wake of a boat. It only shows you where you have been, not where you are going."

Yeah, this is something that I am working on with my therapist. We were talking about it last week actually.

It's just not having a job is hard and I have a lot of time.

Actually, I was talking to my brother during the week. His contract is coming to a close and he has been interviewing for new jobs. He got offered a job, the first one he applied for. And I know that it was rough on him: a four and a half hour interview. I told my therapist that I am so happy for him but there is a tiny part of me that felt a bit jealous. My therapist said it's not bad, it means I'm human.

I'm reminded of a poem type thing my parents used to have in our kitchen. I read it so many times as a child. It went something like "if we compare ourselves with others we will become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than ourselves".

I must look it up again.

Thanks everyone x

Tetra, the poem is called Desiderata and it's by Max Ehrmann

Desiderata (Text-only version)

I'm glad you're talking with your therapist about this. It can be difficult to not compare ourselves with people in our age and peer groups, but it seems to me you're doing well--and more importantly--you're making decisions now that will bear nice fruit in the future. It's just a matter of time and continuing with good decision making.

Major regrets in my life. Lots of guilt, wishing I'd done things differently. One major one is a falling out I had with my mother when my kids were babies (I was a nondrinker). This devastated my grandmother. She relapsed after 30 years of sobriety and died within 6 months. I always believed it was my fault. My mother passed away not many years after and never accepted my apology for the ugly things I had said.

Major regrets in my life, ones I can't fix. There are other regrets of course but this is one that just haunts me still because I was never able to make amends.

...you are taking other measures to improve your life, so it does no good to keep comparing your current place in life to others. No one travels through life at the same pace and on the same schedule.

I need to constantly remind myself this throughout the day. CONSTANTLY. I'm 38yrs in December, no kids, etc....Tetra - I totally understand that feeling of comparison and thinking "what the hell did I do to end up here and not there, like them?"