Wrote this for myself a couple of weeks ago: Questioning The Mirror. I have been devouring sobriety blogs for the last couple of weeks. You see my husband, whom I love, has a drinking problem. He is a binge drinker and he blacks out, looses expensive stuff like laptops, phones and sunglasses. He misses appointments and special occasions like Fathers Day because he is too sick to get out of bed. He is mean, calls me names, slurs his words and falls over. He gets refused entry to flights and wakes up in his own urine often. “I’ve had enough!” I say to him. I have been saying this for a couple of years. But hang on; I say this to him while I’m sipping my beer. I tell him how much he has hurt the kids and me while I ask him to fill my glass as well, but I will have ice please, because that’s better, that’s more H2O. I’m better than him! Yeah? He is a rig worker, away for a month and home for a month. No drinking for him while at work. His cycle has been to come home and get smashed, way before I met him. He goes and I miss him, worry about it all, he is remorseful, I forgive him, and then he comes back and does it all over again. I am begging him to change but this pleading has forced me to realize that my drinking problem, although different is very much alive and thriving. I drink every day I mean everyday. I can’t remember the last time I had a sober week. Even with my 2 pregnancies’ I still had a couple every couple of days. I feel like my drinking problem has been somewhat masked as I feel its not as dire as his. I always get up for the kids, I don’t turn into a nasty bitch, and I’m a happy, witty, precocious, marvelous and sexy drunk! Aren’t I? My husband suggested that I go a month without drinking while he was at work and I just laughed! As if! Why the hell would I do that? Then I started to question. Why can’t I do that? Why is that laughable to me? I know I’m an alcoholic. I have for a long time. I just feel, or have felt, like it’s fine, I’ll deal with that later. Kids are fed, showered, read to; I don’t drink drive, that much, I only drink 4,5,6,7 beers a day, or more if I’m in company. When I’m really drunk I just shut down and have to sleep so there is no drunken walking, talking damage that I can’t remember. Right? This is all right isn’t it? ****! NO ITS NOT! My sister always complains that I’m a hermit as I don’t leave the house and she has to visit me. She likes a drink too but not as much as me. That’s because at home I have the beer fridge that is open from about 2pm, enough time to pick up my 6 year old from school without being over the limit. I have my beautiful house, with my stunning pool, with my link to the world Mac, I can write my nothing to do with sobriety blog, I can chat on the phone, I can drink to my hearts content if I don’t leave the house. Who wants to leave the house with a 1 year and 6 year old on their own anyway? OK, OK, so I have had to now face this demon because my husband is holding up the mirror and I desperately want us to be a better family. A family that creates memories that doesn’t revolve around Mum and Dad getting their drink on. I can’t ask him to stop his binge drinking without looking at my own daily dependence drinking. Can I? In a way I think that I’m OK as compared to other times in my life I have this addiction stuff under control as I have been so out of control in the past: • 14 I started binge drinking. • 16 I acquired a pot addiction as well that lasted until I was 18 as I was getting too paranoid. • 18 till 23 as well as alcohol I abused ecstasy, acid, speed and cocaine. • 23 till 26 heroin took me over: my longest stint without booze. • 26 till 33 ‘Booze Bingeing’ at its finest. • 33 till 39 I haven’t really touched anything other than the daily booze bar and the binges are far and few between. So I’m better yeah? Better than I used to be? I had my first child at 33 and that just stopped the drinking till blackout stage, as this sense of responsibility, luckily, was too much to let me not be there for my daughter. But how ‘there’ have I really been? In the last week I have had three days off booze, not in a row, but it’s a start. I called in the help of a weekly psychologist something I have never done as I usually go for Homeopaths or Kinesiology for my healing help. I know I’m on the beginning path to some kind of recovery but I’m not sure what it looks like yet. Problem is that I still feel like my husband is the one with the major problem in this family; he’s the one who starts fights, the one who I can’t trust and rely on and he’s a nasty drunk! But I’ve also realized I can’t control his drinking but I can at least try to control mine. I woke up without a hangover today and actually put on a little makeup, something I never do. Mainly because for the first time in years I have a pimple! Detox much? I also donned earrings, could this be the start of something? The End. So I only managed 1 day off 3x's in a week. I wasn't trying to quit forever but I wanted to go at least 3 days in a row. This made me depressed that I wasn't stronger than that! I then proceeded to drink everyday for 10 days, feeling even more defeated. I cut down the amount that I drank though so that was something. Then 5 days ago I discovered I had a kidney infection which I had to have daily IV antibiotics. I used this opportunity to not drink. I am now on day 4 of no alcohol and feeling OK despite headache and yelling at my kids heaps. Problem is I feel like a drink today because I'm better. My mantra has been "I'm not drinking today because I'm stronger than alcohol" and this has really worked for me over the last few days but today when I say it I don't believe it as much. I'm not ready to quit forever but I realise I may have to one day. I just want to see if I can change my habits to a more acceptable intake first. I'm not sure if I will drink today. Part of me is excited to actually get past day 4 and the other part just wants to chill out with a beer. Anyway I know this is a short novel so if you actually read all this then thanks. |
