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Weak as i am... I am overdoing the anxiety pills... :scorebad I even danced in the kitchen... not feeling!!! I have not felt the high for 34 days! I am supposed to control the intake! But is like: have a sip every 6 hours... are they MAD????? I am having so much pressure at work, I can not handle so much... On top My mother has been unwell for a while! Has the carotid artery blocked........ I know one of these days my father will fall sleep! I always kiss him in case Is the last time I see him... I Love the so much... Tomorrow: Will have to get the car first thing... a struggle! Cos the pills last you know... IŽll go to paint class (a fridge full of wine and beer... that I can never touch) I can not paint well gone!!!! after I go for lunch with two that drink like fish... at night I am having a double date and going out to bars and clubbing!!! I have not drunk or smoked pot for 128 days...no benzo 34... and I am NOT going to drink! But I am worried and stoned with anxiety pills! Is not benzo... but I b****y like them! :giveup I am weak... I just want to get stoned and not go out! Is all I want! :mog I know this Can NOT BE!!! I keep on switching...... :headbange Tomorrow night I have to be awake! Or they notice I do not make sense... I just do not learn, I just want to relax! I am damaging my liver... they keep telling me! but I am an addict!!! I am an alcoholic !!! I am B*****y weak!!! |
c'mon Aiko! You can focus on this. Get yourself through this and work on the up side of it. |
Hi Aiko; I am glad that you posted which shows that you are much stronger than you think. 128 days without alcohol a d pot; 34 days no benzos; girl, that is strong. Keep on doing it. Please try to get back on track with the anxiety meds; have a bath; go to bed - whatever it takes. Rooting for you, Aiko. |
You are not weak, you have addictions. Until you learn healthy coping mechanism with stress and other unpleasant feelings you will keep on wanting to numb yourself. Maybe you need more support? Stay strong! |
Thank you for your nice words... :grouphug: I really feel I can not last some days... others I just know I can not touch a thing and I accept it!!!! But I HATE to see others drink!! and the waiter... what do would you like to drink???? I B*****Y Hate they ask me!!! Cos what I want can not have :wild And I have a pause before I answer... cos Inside a doubt! I just being sad lately, working non stop... and learning to cope awake under pressure... my parents ill... and my sober friends kick me when I need them the most!!! Life is hard water to all of us! And we have to walk on it! I do not want to get back in the hole... But I am worried I want more... and at the end I end up with alcohol+benzo...or what I get hold of... Somehow I will have to control the intake... :wah: But not tonight... and tomorrow test day!!! |
Are you still going to NA aiko? D |
Aiko, You know what, when I posted to you a month ago I missed the line where you said you had been off alcohol since January, and now benzos too? Aiko, that is not weak, that is huge progress! You should be very proud of yourself. Now you are down to the very last part, I know you can do this. I KNOW (because I was in exactly your spot almost a year ago) that the dread of going without pills is worse than worrying about them all the time. Now that they are not an option for me I have just learned to slow myself down …naturally. I would have laughed at anyone who told me that was possible, told them they didn't understand I am high strung. You've got this Aiko, I know you can do it! |
How are you, Aiko????? |
I am ok today! I overdid it on Friday... I just have crazy days... :willy Saturday lunch I had the car did not drink! At night I was pushed to drink... at the end I raised my voice. I DRINK WHAT I WANT! They kept on drinking cocktails... I did not like the bloke, uncomfortable situation playing pool! I did not want to go to the club I could see shots all around and drinks. And I danced sober... a struggle to be true... So I just took more anxiety pills :( But I got home sober :) Today my younger brother was taken to hospital... small heart attack warning! Another one bites the dust! I hope he will be better tomorrow... and I do not know if my mum will have to be operated on yet! I stopped going to NA, a bloke was freaking me out! He is nice to me... but I do not trust him! He told me since he left jail he just.... F**** And I know he likes me...so I keep away! But I am still going to the Addictions Centre once every two weeks... The addictions psychologist is really hard on me... but it pushes me to take positive steps! And I got SR :) I am nearly alone with my problem! and you are all helping me to survive awake! I thank you all by heart :grouphug: |
Hope your brother will be ok. Glad you are deciding to be sober! |
I hope your brother will have a quick recovery Aiko :) Have you spoken to anyone about the overuse of the anxiety pills? D |
Sorry to hear about your brother, Aiko; hope his health improves. Thanks for checking in; I have been thinking about you. Stay strong, lovely Aiko. |
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Thank you all! I told the drug centre sometimes I abuse and they say do not overdo it!!! But is like giving me a bottle and say just have 3 sips a day... I might make an appointment to tell him I am crossing the line...! Is the only thing I can get hold of... I can not go back to other stuff I loose it! But I know sooner or later I have to come off too :( And I am not ready! Only the thought of being without anything frightens me! I really am trying to change my life so I do not need to depend on **** And I am worried I will loose another blood line... Everybody thinks at home I am the strongest one... and they are so wrong! I will die, you will die, Everybody I know will die! what is important is what you do whilst you are alive! If it was up to me I would be stoned through it, but is not an option! So have to make the most of it! Night Night Tomorrow back to the battle field! Big Hug, Aiko |
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