dmdonnalee

I am new to this site. I have a 32 year old son who has been an alcoholic for probably at least 10 years. He is an abusive drinker, meaning he drinks a pint or maybe 2 of 100% alcohol at once and becomes obliviated for the night. He's been through 3 relationships; 2nd one resulted in a child (now 7), a marriage with a 15 month old child and a step child. His current family was all living at my house until his wife decided to move back to her house a few months ago because of the abuse that comes along with his binges. They claim they are still married but just living apart. He goes over there daily before he drinks for about 10 minutes but that's about it. He's my problem now, not hers. He's been to rehab several times but as with most alcoholics it's just a revolving door. I have helped support him financially for the past 2 years (probably since he got married) and have decided it's enough.

I can't take it anymore. I realize he is not going to change. So I need to. I told him the other night (while he was drunk) that he needed to plan on leaving as soon as possible and that I am no longer an open pocket book to him. He was sober the next night and here we go again tonight. He asked me to pick him up cigs and I declined. A few hours later I realized he was drinking and I asked him when he was leaving. We got into an argument of course and then all the verbal abuse starts. It's ok. I have tough skin, I've heard it all, and I don't really care anymore.

This is hard! I need the strength to stick to this for him. He won't see it that way but as much as it kills me to do this I know that I have to do it. His marriage will fail and he will blame me, he calls me a horrible mother - I don't really care, I'm numb. If he kills himself or yet an innocent person because he is out driving, I know that I've done what I could to try to get him to stop, but that is his choice, not mine.

What else can I do? I've been to al-anon meetings in the past but not recently. I need a knock on the head.

Dee74

Hi and welcome dmdonnalee

He's not your problem, not if you can longer put up with it.
he's an adult.

Verbal abuse is still abuse and not acceptable.

Detaching is for you as much as it is for him, maybe even more so.

I pushed a lot of people to the edge as an active alcoholic.

Being made to find my own way in life was the start of me getting better...although I have to admit it took several years for me to realise that

Hopefully your son will be quicker on the uptake than I was.

D

biminiblue

Call the police to take him away when he's drunk and abusive. Change the locks while he's in jail. Get a restraining order. Pack his things and put them on the porch.

I sure think you deserve better. You're not helping him by "helping" him.

Ruby2

You sound like the stage I had reached with my husband just before I kicked him out. I knew he wouldn't change, I knew I couldn't change him, so I started changing me, starting with an I don't care anymore attitude.

It was easier to get my husband out because he rarely, if ever, drank at home so when he didn't come home on Christmas Day or the day after, he knew he was in deep, deep trouble. I told him he was no longer welcome, that he couldn't stay at the house. I did, however, give him some money to find a place to stay.

It was what he needed because he got sober shortly after that.

It is a tough road to follow but it sounds like you have resolve, or are getting there. Abuse is never acceptable under any circumstance. You are not a horrible mother. You care. My suggestion is to have this discussion with him before he starts drinking for the day. Lay out your expectations and game plan as nOn negotiable and then stick with it. Don't engage in an argument especially if he has been drinking.

I could never talk to my husband when he had been drinking. It would drive me crazy. When he started in with the blame or accusations or name calling I would quietly and firmly tell him "I do not deserve to be spoken to like that. I will not be spoken to like that. I am leaving the room now." and then I would leave the room. Or I would tell him the same except that I would talk to him when he was sober. He would always try to twist things around and I would tell him that what he just said was just smoke and direct him back to the real issue. If I had to do it over and over I did, briefly, never letting him side track the conversation with nonsense. It would go like this. Him saying "well you did x, y, or z" and I would respond"even if I did, that is not what we are discussing. We are talking about you and what you are going to do."

Stick with it. Even a drunk can't argue with a brick wall even if they try. Be a brick wall. Come here for support. Maybe al anon again just to have someone who understands what you are going through.

LBrain

Sorry that you are experiencing this after so many years. He has had you to fall back on for so long, why would he think it will ever change.

Calling police may sound like a drastic move. If it's the only then do what it takes. If he doesn't learn to live now, than when?

ElijahNoahColt

I treat my parents badly when I was drinking and they told me it broke their hearts so I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. You are entitled to live your own life and you are definitely not a bad mother, you have supported him for this long (which is longer than most would) and now you've got to put your foot down.

Calling the police might be a good idea the next time he gets abusive. It sounds like a tough situation but I urge you to put yourself first. You have your own life to live, please stay safe and take care.

AlcoholFree66

Tough love = be cruel to be kind. It is important you stop enabling him. And yes as Dee said verbal abuse is certainly a recognised form of abuse. It sounds like it is only he who can help himself. I imagine this must be heart breaking for you as a mother. My kids are teenagers and it is difficult to imagine how torn I would be in your situation.