Gibbons2

You know I hate the stigma of drinking. I hate crawling back to this message board (or anywhere else) after being so mean and hateful when I post here drunk. I feel like such a smuck.

I have been hanging out in the shadows here again after my last bout on here after arguing with fellow board members. I can't seem to stay away and I hate returning when I feel like I was a ranting, raving lunatic (which I was).

Is that what they talk about in AA when they say you need to humble yourself? Because I feel very humble.

I hate that I have a disease which turns me into a person I do not like. Or that others do not like or want to be around either.

That being said, I am back to Day One again, but I refuse, simply refuse to give up my fight against my addiction.

I cannot seem to make it much past two or three days. This is the same pattern I have been experiencing over and over and over and over.

I read on someone's post here that you have to Let It Go and I guess that is what I am not doing yet. I haven't completely let go of the idea I can drink, otherwise why would I keep trying?

I keep thinking I can control it and find out X beers later, nope, I guess not. Now why can't I seem to remember that BEFORE I decide to take the first drink?

I am exhausted on the day after drinking, feel pretty good on Day Two and by Day Three or Four, I am somehow talking myself into it again.

Ugh! Why can't I just accept the fact that I can't drink???????

I feel like I must be stupid or something and the thing is, I am NOT stupid, I'm actually a pretty smart person, so why is this so hard for me to get?

Fallow

What I finally 'GOT' on this last run is that I am an alcoholic. If I drink I am going to end up drunk at some point. And suffer the consequences which for me are mostly internal. I dont think there was ever hope of my long term recovery until I accepted the facts 100 percent.

Now that I fully accept my alcoholism I can work on remaining sober.

MandalayVA

Disease implies that you're a victim, which is why I call myself an alcoholic but don't consider myself sick. The bottle doesn't open up and pour itself down my throat, I have to do the opening and pouring and I make the choice whether or not to do that. Make the decision that you've come too far in life to take orders from a beer. Good luck!

Gibbons2

Yeah, I think that is where I am at Fallow. I just need to accept that I can't do it. Like this huge spoonful of medicine or something, "Take it! take it!" Just ACCEPT it! LOL. Swallow the d*mn thing already.

Sigh.

Gibbons2

Thanks Mandalay, that's good advice. Never thought of it that way, "taking orders from a beer." I guess that is what I have been doing, yeah. Pretty sad when I think about it.

Verte

Hi Gibbons,

When I first posted here I felt similarly. Even writing 'I need to stop drinking but I do not know how to stop drinking' felt dumb. But it was the truth. And everybody has to start somewhere.

I'm working through what my hang-ups and obstacles are as I can but realized that the most important thing to get where I wanted to go was to stop fighting with the bottle and just put it down. Step a-waaaaaay from the bottle.

Starting with the commitment to put the bottle down was a great start for me. And then leaning on everyone here to stay away keeps me going. It is not easy to do at all and nobody here ever pretended that it was. This helps a lot.

Welcome back. You are heading in the right direction. Keep going!

Timmah

Other than the part about getting mean and angry, I'm right there with you. I really need to work on acceptance. It's pretty much the one thing I haven't been honest about.

Gibbons2

You know, as I read other posts on this site, I really am getting some good advice (even if it isn't being given to me directly). I have been posting on here, but I really haven't even used this site or any other help in quitting. No wonder I can't stay sober.

All I have been doing is posting, but I really haven't been reaching for any help to stay sober when I need it.

Someone had a post on a different thread about using the tools, support, resources, etc. and truth be told, I haven't done it.

There is a big difference between just posting my drivel and using this site for support.

If that makes sense.

FreeOwl

"all I have been doing is posting...."

"...really havent been reaching..."

Yep.

Sobriety means ACTION. You have to make change or change won't happen.

find a couple things each day to actively focus on. Go for a run. Get to the gym. Go to an AA meeting. Go to TWO. Read the Big Book. Read it again. Call another alcoholic, invite them to go for a walk, talk about your struggles, talk about the GOOD parts of being sober.

You can't just read and post on the Internet your way to sobriety.... you can't just say "I'm an alcoholic I have a disease, I don't want to drink anymore".

You gotta DO something about it.

In my case, I gotta do multiple things about it.... AA / SR / Running / Gratitude / Reminding myself daily why I choose sobriety - both the good and the bad.... Calling my sponsor when I'm feeling like the thought of drinking is slinking back in.... sharing here BEFORE I drink when I'm having a tough time of it....

You gotta change. You gotta NOT drink TODAY, and find a couple things DIFFERENT to do... TODAY. Now. Then do that again tomorrow. One day at a time.

ScottFromWI

It makes sense. Your making a lot of sense in this thread actuallly, compared to your previous ones, and I think it may be because you are posting sober? Just a guess but if that's the case I think it's a great idea and a good step.

I do also agree hat your lack of acceptance of your drinking problem/alcoholism is probalby THE most important hurdle you have to overcome. It was my problem to - I tried every conceivabe "moderation" plan I could for years, but looking back every single one was a futile attempt to change what could not be changed - the fact that I cannot drink responsibly. The ONLY possible solution was to quit drinking completely. And while i'm not a religious person, i had to take it on faith that i cannot drink - because there is no worldly or factual reason as to why i cannot drink - it just IS.

I hope you can find the strength to make that same leap of faith.

Gibbons2

Thanks Scott and yes, I am sober.

doggonecarl

And from here, the journey starts.

ScottFromWI

So am I - it's a good feeling, isn't it? SR has been my main source of support for the past couple years, both in sobriety and attempted sobriety. You may want to try and get local help too, but definitely keep reading and posting, it's amazing what you can learn here when you are ready.

leviathan

mandalayVa has it right. no matter how huge the urge, you remain IN CONTROL of your hands and mouth. the bottle doesnt buy itself. the bottle doesnt lift itself.

intelligence will only save you if you use it to think in a different manner. you do know that many of our most gifted minds have passed early with this, right?

welcome back.

Jupiters

the acceptance thing is a real mother******.
our thick skulls just like to trip us up. You can do this!

Sobertaurus

Great to see you here and on the right track! It is all about doing.....