Breaking My silence
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Breaking My silence
I've struggled with my estranged husbands alcohol abuse for 3 years now. I have a 15month old toddler, I had to go back to work 5 weeks after he was born just to get away from the mental and emotional abuse, to be around loving people who don't neglect me.. its been awful. Everyday is a struggle, I have suffered so much and have lost myself, my spark, my confidence. Recently he began putting me down about my physical appearance.. I feel so ugly and whenever I look at a photo of myself I see how broken and damaged I am and wonder do other people see this? I am so hurt as he left me for the drink, he moved on pretty fast too and moved in with another woman. I recently had clarity on who he is as he told me he was dating this woman he moved onto but managed to get hook up with 3 woman one night when they were out on a date without her knowing, whilst still being intimate with me... I had no idea any of this was going on until recently. I completely shut him down and closed the door on him so now he cant get near me that way. I miss him, but I think its because I haven't met anyone yet, I haven't met anyone who excited me like he did and I am struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This whole experience has been awful 
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
killerinstinct,
I'm sorry that you're going through this. I lived with a physically and emotionally abusive male for 12 years before I finally got it and got the heck out. I had a world of realization to deal with.
It took me three more marriages (yes, three) to figure out that I wasn't going to find peace and happiness from someone else. It all had to start with me. You're of the mindset that you miss him because you haven't met anyone else yet. We can become addicted to abusive treatment just like any other drug of choice. How about spending a little time on your own finding out what you're all about and rebuilding that confidence? If you don't unpack that emotional baggage from this experience you're going to seek out the same kind of man. It's a pattern we repeat.
I'm still learning now as to why I chose the relationships that I did and it wasn't until just recently that I heard something that finally turned on the light. There's a movie called "Thanks for Sharing" that's about addiction. This is probably one of the most thought provoking and enlightening things I have ever heard in a movie.
One of the characters finds out that she's dating an addict. She goes to his sponsor's house for dinner. They eat with the sponsor and his wife and then her date and the sponsor go out back in the yard and she is left with the sponsor's wife. She looks at her and asks "How have you put up with this all these years?" The sponsor's wife responds "Put up with what?" and she says "His addiction". The sponsor's wife says "His addiction is none of my business and when it comes right down to it, I chose him, so what does that say about me?"
killerinstinct, I urge you to find the answer to that last question. Turn this around for yourself. Do not let what someone has done to you ruin the rest of your life. Don't depend on someone else for your happiness. You're better than that and you deserve a good life!
I'm sorry that you're going through this. I lived with a physically and emotionally abusive male for 12 years before I finally got it and got the heck out. I had a world of realization to deal with.
It took me three more marriages (yes, three) to figure out that I wasn't going to find peace and happiness from someone else. It all had to start with me. You're of the mindset that you miss him because you haven't met anyone else yet. We can become addicted to abusive treatment just like any other drug of choice. How about spending a little time on your own finding out what you're all about and rebuilding that confidence? If you don't unpack that emotional baggage from this experience you're going to seek out the same kind of man. It's a pattern we repeat.
I'm still learning now as to why I chose the relationships that I did and it wasn't until just recently that I heard something that finally turned on the light. There's a movie called "Thanks for Sharing" that's about addiction. This is probably one of the most thought provoking and enlightening things I have ever heard in a movie.
One of the characters finds out that she's dating an addict. She goes to his sponsor's house for dinner. They eat with the sponsor and his wife and then her date and the sponsor go out back in the yard and she is left with the sponsor's wife. She looks at her and asks "How have you put up with this all these years?" The sponsor's wife responds "Put up with what?" and she says "His addiction". The sponsor's wife says "His addiction is none of my business and when it comes right down to it, I chose him, so what does that say about me?"
killerinstinct, I urge you to find the answer to that last question. Turn this around for yourself. Do not let what someone has done to you ruin the rest of your life. Don't depend on someone else for your happiness. You're better than that and you deserve a good life!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
yes I agree otherwise the same thing will happen again. this is why I refrained from dating since I moved into my own place and decided to sort myself out.. my main issues are my feelings.. they're so up and down, one minute I am fine the next not.. can I ask, did the same problems come up in all of your marriages??
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Yes, I was attracted to the same kind of person each and every time. Not necessarily abusive but the same tendencies. Enough problems so that when the honeymoon, infatuation phase was over in the relationship I could be upset and mad at them and get on with my drinking. It was a great trade, or so I thought. Then, I got sober. Oh boy, the expectations I had that just because I was working on me and everything was great I set the same expectation for him. We're working it out, have been together for 15 years, married almost 11 and I'm not ready to throw it down the drain yet. God knows he gave me a multitude of chances. He knows he's exhausted them all though and this is it. One more time and I will be out the door.
Some really good advice, spend some time on you. Talk to people, maybe some counseling? Work on you first. Also, trust your brain. Note that I didn't say your heart but your brain. I saw the red flags and warning signs all over the place but I was so starved for that attention and finding happiness through someone else that I looked in the other direction. I often wonder what my life would be today if I had listened and heeded the warnings. I can't go back and do that but am happy where I am.
You have time to not repeat the pattern. You deserve a good life.
Check yer pms for a little more info.
Some really good advice, spend some time on you. Talk to people, maybe some counseling? Work on you first. Also, trust your brain. Note that I didn't say your heart but your brain. I saw the red flags and warning signs all over the place but I was so starved for that attention and finding happiness through someone else that I looked in the other direction. I often wonder what my life would be today if I had listened and heeded the warnings. I can't go back and do that but am happy where I am.
You have time to not repeat the pattern. You deserve a good life.
Check yer pms for a little more info.
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