Vanduara

Hi everyone, from a long time lurker to this site. What a fantastic and supportive place this is.

I'm looking for some help. I have never been an every day drinker, but have always had the tendency when I do drink to go overboard.

I went through a bad divorce last year (I am in my late 30s, female, no children) and that made the drinking go a little more out of control in order to cope.

I am at the stage now where I can go days and weeks without drinking, but just occasionally I get the urge and it is like nothing else will do, I just have to go on a kind of mini-bender. I am a keen runner and love being fit, and I know logically that drinking does nothing for me, and indeed I am happier in the periods when I don't drink, but sometimes I just get this almost uncontrollable urge.

I also reminisce sometimes about the happy days I had drinking in the past.....cold beers by the pool on a sunshine holiday, that kind of thing.

Anyway, I am in a really lovely new relationship now with a partner who really loves me, and I love him very much, but he is, understandably, finding it hard to cope with my occasional drunken binges (he is the kind of drinker who can have one beer and leave it at that.....a sign of my alcoholic mind is that I think, "who does that? And why would you want to do that? I'd rather go without than have one.")

Well, that's my introduction, I guess. My question is, I am at the stage where I know I am happier being a non-drinker, but how do I get past those times where it feels like nothing else will do?

Thanks for reading!

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR.

How do you get past romanizing alcohol? By recognizing it for what it is, your addiction talking to you.

Why don't you make a list of all the "unhappy" times you had while drinking. Then, when your mind forgets the pain and choses to remember the happy times, refer to the list.

Vanduara

Thank you for your quick response, doggonecarl.

I will give your suggestion a try. God knows there have been plenty unhappy times associated with drinking.

It is such a strange thing, this alcohol craving......my logical mind knows all the bad stuff but the craving is so powerful that it overrides all that sometimes. That is really frightening.

HeadLump

Hi Vanduara and welcome to SR

Believe it or not, I think that you are one of the lucky ones! I was, too. I say 'lucky' because you can go for long periods without alcohol and only really experience impossible cravings once you've got the taste. I've just passed 16 months sober and I've done it partly by refusing to drink that first drink. If I think I want a drink, I need only to think about what happens after that first one, when all the wine in the world wouldn't satisfy me. It sounds simple, but it works for me and has been far easier than I ever thought it could be

The most difficult time was during the heatwave last year. Having retired early and moved to the coast, it was a real temptation, but having got through that, Christmas and New Year were a doddle! Living in Edinburgh, you may not find the weather such a struggle!

I wish I had stopped at your age. I carried on denying it until I entered my 50s - what a waste that was.

Your new relationship sounds great and you deserve to enjoy every minute of it. Stick with it, it's so worth it

KateL

Welcome. If it is a worry to you then perhaps you should address it or it could get much worse. Good luck and congrats in your new relationship xxx

Vanduara

Hi Headlump, thank you for your response.

Yeah, I think I am quite lucky, really, especially when I read some of the stories on here. I must admit, though, in the throes of my marriage breaking up last year, I did go through a period where I drank every day for 3 weeks (unheard of for me before or since, thankfully). I was on the vodka, and the thing I remember was this awful smell coming off my sweat (ketosis, I think it is called, very scary indeed). I experienced a few withdrawal symptoms after that binge....sweating like mad, couldn't sleep, feeling like my heart was going to beat out of my chest, anxiety like I'd never experienced before. I am so scared of ever going back to that.....that proved to me that I have the potential in me to be a real full-on alcoholic, if let that happen to me. There is a history of it in my family, so I really need to keep a watch on it.

Yes, my new relationship is brilliant, apart from my drinking episodes, hence why I really want to stop them. I really feel I've met the love of my life, and he should be way more important than any bottle of booze.

Thanks for your support. ((Hugs)) Haha, and yes, up here in Scotland we get one heck of a lot of rain!

ElleDee

Isn't that the truth? I hear ya... and I'm sure everyone here can relate. I don't have an answer... I've had lengthy arguments with myself in my car about stopping at the liquor store on the way home from work. It's that alcoholic voice ... very convincing at times. It seems to drown out all reason and logic. BUT we CAN and WILL overcome.

Vanduara

Thanks, KateL. xxxxx

Vanduara

Awww, ElleDee, ((hugs))!

Yes, that argument with yourself as you are driving along, back from work, or going somewhere on holiday......"I could just stop off and get a bottle (two, in my case) of wine, it would be really nice, it would deal with my stress / enhance my experience etc etc". Aargh, the logical mind knows that this is all rubbish, but still......

Yes, we CAN and WILL overcome this. ((hugs))

sober4metoday

Hi Vanduara. Like you I see myself as an active and healthy individual (ignoring the fact that I am a binge drinker, of course). And like you I could go days, weeks and sometimes even months without drinking only to find myself blacked out drunk after having that first drink. And also like you I would reminisce about all those hot summer afternoons on the water, or rock concerts, or costume parties, or Monday Happy Hour, or Tuesday Happy Hours, or…..(you get the point). I just have to keep reminding myself that NOTHING is better than waking up with a clear mind and a rested spirit knowing that I am in control of my day.

Jupiters

hello! I'm new here too. Reading this was like reading my own story! LOL
Late 30's, no kids, divorced but now with a nice guy who is NOT a problem drinker and about to leave me b/c I smashed his car and have been a total wanker to him when drunk.
Like you, I was a binge drinker so really had a hard time wrapping my ego/brain around the fact that I AM an alcoholic and just CANNOT ever pick that first drink up. Took 2 DUI's, a boatload of cash, like a shipliners worth, loss of my self esteem, friends, work, family...etc etc....to finally get IT.
When I start thinking of the "good times" I had drinking...I have to remember the bad times outweighed them in a HUGE way...especially the last year or so....I was not a fun drunk and the hangovers were lasting days and withdrawls, don't even get me started.
Acceptance is a b****, but there is something empowering in knowing I will never feel like that again
YOU CAN DO IT TOO!

Vanduara

Thanks for your response, sober4metoday.

Ah, yes, you sound very much like me. "Hey, everything is OK.....I go weeks without drinking, I'm fit, I run half marathons, everything's great"..... But it's not at all, especially when it starts affecting the people you love.....that's the part I hate about it.....there is a wee bit of me who doesn't value myself, I don't really care about me, but I sure as heck care about hurting the people around me, especially my lovely partner.

And yes, during my sober periods, I love nothing more than waking up early in the morning, listening to Radio 4 (my fellow Brits will know what I mean) and just feeling great and having a lovely breakfast (toast and butter and eggs).

WHY can't I just value that good stuff, what is the pull that booze has over me now and then?

firstymer

Hi Vanduara. I am in a relationship with a late 30's woman with no children. I am divorced with 3 kids. I am the alcoholic. She is, like your mate, a responsible social drinker. I knew if I didn't stop drinking, my alcoholic behavior was going to get me dumped for sure.

Now, 9 months sober, she tells me how much more she enjoys my company since I have gotten sober. And since I love her more than anything, what better motivation can you ask for when it comes to staying sober?

You and I, we have a good thing going. Let's try not to sabotage it. Ok?

Vanduara

Awww, Jupiters ((hugs)), thank you SO much for your response.

It's amazing to hear from someone in a similar situation.

Wow, yeah, the hangovers start to get *brutal* in the late 30s, don't they? For me, not so much like the good old-fashioned, headache-sick hangover (worrying in itself that that wasn't happening anymore), but just the most awful tiredness where I literally could not get out of bed for a day.

Not cool when I see myself as a half marathon runner.

We're in this together. xx

Vanduara

Thanks, firstymer, and you are absolutely right, let's not sabotage our lovely relationships for the sake of some booze. ((Hugs))

MandalayVA

Yesterday morning I got up, woozy and shaky, to find my husband of almost sixteen years looking at me reproachfully. "Hello, welcome back," he said, since I had been in my room except for a bathroom trip here and there from Friday afternoon until yesterday morning (it was a holiday weekend here in the States), drinking. I felt even worse because he doesn't deserve that. He's a good person and works his butt off so we can have a good lifestyle. I remember telling a friend of mine that he made me want to be better. He still does.

Vanduara

MandalayVA......my partner says that to me after a drinking binge...."welcome back".

For the people around us, it must be like they lose us for a day or two. It's sad, isn't it?

My partner makes me want to be better too....like yours he is such a good person.

((hugs))

Jupiters

Self sabotage - we sure are good at that eh? If only I could harness my energy and use it for good! hahah

well, that's what I am gonna do, at least give it a shot everyday!!

my last "hangover" / detox lasted almost 5 days and was the worst one yet. or at least in the TOP FIVE.
Whenever that voice/demon in my head sneaks up on me, and it will be weeks....since that's how it goes for me...I will remember very clearly how much I almost lost this time around. I will remember shaking, sweating, puking, anxious as h***, being alone and terrified of what I have done.

I'm not going down without a fight this time. I'm onto it and it's wily ways.

Jupiters

sounds like we all have some pretty amazing people putting up with our crap!
Let's choose to NOT do that to them anymore

Vanduara

Self-sabotage.......yes, we are great at that, us alcoholics.

My partner even says that to me, it's like I'm trying to sabotage everything that's good in my life......why is that?

It's like there is a wee bit of me that feels I don't deserve to be happy, or something?

Edited to add.....Yes, Jupiters, and everyone else, we are FIGHTING this! Xx