off the wagon…way off the wagon actually
 

As a part of the Feb 2012 class I feel pretty crappy to be back after having been back drinking for the past 6 months. UGH! I thought I could handle being a social drinker (classic alcoholic thinking) and even fooled myself for a couple months there but over the past little while I've resorted to getting completely black out drunk every time I drink. I feel like such an idiot. So here I go again down path to recovery. I'm so grateful for SR.

I prefer to look at positive aspects, yes you did drink but you have came back to SR, learn from the past and be a stronger sober person for it.

I truly wish you well, welcome back.

Welcome back! I noticed you used AVRT in the past in your avatar....do you think that worked or are you going to try something different this time?

Not to worry, I thought I could moderate but failed miserably on many occasion, it was only until I made the decision to be completely Sober, did I finally realise I was making some headway!!

Welcome back!! :)

AVRT worked really well for me when I practiced it. For about a year prior to drinking I really didn't do much to work on my sobriety because drinking didn't really cross my mind. By the time I started drinking I was way out of practice. I plan to utilize AVRT again.

Welcome back, Sober4. Rooting for you.

I'm in the same boat sober4 ... I have been drinking for the last five months since my last attempt at sobriety. Moderately ... hah what a joke! I knew when I picked up that first beer that moderation was not my style and that I was heading downhill fast. And yet ... I did it. Insane! So here I am, back at the starting line.

Thanks hokey. A lot of wonderful things happened for me when I was sober. I was able to finally end a bad relationship, I moved, reconnected with family/friends and landed my dream job. I foolishy believed that since all these things were "new" in my life that somehow that meant that my drinking problem would be "old" life and not the new one. HA! I'm so pissed off at myself. And to top it all off I started back smoking. Yeah, that thing I quit 8 years ago. SMOKING. What the hell is wrong with me. I'm a freaking wheatgrass drinking vegan for Christ sake.

One demon at a time Sober4! I am a smoker too, and I'm not even thinking about that one until I get some sober time back. A LOT of sober time, likely.

I totally understand being "pissed off at myself" ... but I'm trying to not beat myself up too badly. Negativity and anger are not going to help me now. I need strength ... and those two emotions weaken me. :)

Very true about the negative emotions. I will definitely keep that in check although I'm going to wallow for the rest of the day. ;)

It's no use wallowing in self-pity. Turn your experiences into something positive and post something encouraging here on SoberRecovery! Have you signed in to the 24-Hour Club yet?

No I haven't yet. I'll check it out though!

Thanks Coldfusion. I know that sobriety is possible. That's a positive thing. I did it once and it was great. I plan to do it again and this time NOT forget that I'm an alcoholic. But I do believe that being mad at myself is a good thing. I AM mad at myself. I can't be ashamed of that nor can I be expected to not feel mad at myself. I don't hate myself. I don't feel helpless. I simply feel mad that I let myself down. This feeling is not a pleasant one and remembering this feeling will be what helps me stay sober.

Please do not try to take on drinking
and smoking at the same time.
It's much, too much for the average
person to handle.

I damn near chainsmoke.
I roll my own LOL!

thanks for helping me stay sober today by reminding me that it's still just the same 'out there' for those of us who know the path our patterns take.

I honor you coming back here and am grateful for your honesty because it gives me yet another story of affirmation to help me keep to my choice of sobriety.

I wish you well in reviewing what happened, what you've learned, and gearing up a plan to stay on target this time.

:)

Thanks FreeOwl!

Welcome back. You're headed in the right direction. At least now you have experienced how good it feels to be sober and know that is the only way if you want to be healthy and happy. Without that experience you wouldn't know the difference and may have kept on drinking. I still don't know how I functioned for 10 years in an alcohol fog- I didn't realize how bad it was until I experienced periods of time without it. Sobriety is the best gift you can give yourself. All the money in the world wouldn't get me to go back. It's the only prison where the prisoner holds the key. Freedom starts with a single step, like the step you took coming back here :c011:
Don't beat yourself up, we have all been there. Keep moving forward and welcome back ;)

Welcome back :)

Yep, definitely tried that one, quite a few times. For me it always leads back to that same utter depression and isolation, no matter how 'good' my intentions are beforehand.

I'm just getting into AVRT so I will be interested to read about how you got on with it in the past.

Glad you're back. One thing I have to remember is that my original relationship has not changed, no matter what I do. I get to have a new relationship with alcohol by not drinking but if I drink, I go right back to what I left. My relationship with alcohol is what it is, not what I want it to be. That's a hard truth to swallow but there it is.

What's this?

Sober4, well done for coming back. I came back yesterday too, and it feels like the right decision. Will you be joining the Class of May 2014? I'm a fellow wheatgrass-drinking vegan (my eyes popped out of my head when you wrote that, I've literally just finished a kale, kiwi, wheatgrass smoothie!); and like you, my veganism hasn't stopped me drinking and smoking heavily and generally blitzing my health to kingdom come. It's like I'm two different people fighting over the same body.

You have already achieved so much and you show a lot of self-awareness about where you went wrong the last time. With the support on here you'll get through it again - you want to and you can. Don't beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself. I'm so pleased to meet a fellow vegan :)