Hawk07

Hey Alli,

Don't be embarrassed here, ever. We've all been there. I passed out drunk outside my house once, just couldn't make it back in after stepping outside to smoke a cig. The only thing that woke me up the next day was the sound of the garbage collecting truck driving by to collect my trash. And yes, they saw me staggering to get up and scurry back into my house. I was mortified. The next day there was an "AA" pamphlet wedged in my front door. I went to my first AA meeting last week. I was terrified and just sat in the back...didn't say a peep just listened. It was nearly as scary as I thought it would be. Eventually I may muster up the courage to speak up a bit.

Hawk07

*wasn't

ReadyAtLast

The only thing you can do is make the decision which is in YOUR best interests and not go. Going to bars,clubs, drinking establishments in early recovery is really dangerous behaviour. It won't always be like this of course. You can't control what he does or where he goes but you have to put yourself first in this and do what is best for you.

If he loves and respects you he will respect your decision even if he doesn't totally understand it.

Verte

Hey Alli,

You are SO not alone!! A big hug to you. Many people have been exactly here.

The emotions that feel so horrible and uncomfortable, the self-loathing, guilt and shame are only useful insofar as they are motivators for change.

The most important person affected by your drinking and feelings of self-loathing, is you.

Treat yourself well - gently and with great respect. Try to do something that helps you feel really good about yourself today - something that might help ease the stress and lift your spirits

Keep asking for help even if it feels less than comfortable...this is a huge positive step. True growth. Everybody needs support.

Joe Nerv

Stopped here, and didn't read the rest of the responses so perhaps it's been asked already. What's more embarrassing, falling in the bushes drunk and being wheeled away, or showing up at an AA meeting where everyone there understands and welcomes you?

Your boyfriend doesn't need to understand. You need to stop. Stopping isn't easy. Most people try and try and fail and try again and again until they hopefully find something that works. I came into recovery 1 time only. Tried stopping for a day or 2 thousands of times before that, but never considered quitting. I got all the tools I needed to do that at AA. I was desperate, open minded and willing. I took any and all suggestions without question, and without thinking I knew better. I knew I had to become a different person if I wanted to live alcohol free. Today, I am a different person, and the alcohol problem has been removed from my life. There are many here who will tell you the same story. And we all once stood where you're standing right now.

Imara

I'm pleased to hear that AA has worked for so many and truly respect that but maybe it isn't the right approach for all of us. I'm also like Alli and not ready to go to a public meeting. What alternatives can you suggest to us--I see there is a secular section on this website but what do you all recommend as self help tools and strategies?

Jill23

Alli, please don't beat yourself up. We are all human and I can almost guarantee that none of us have quit the first or umpteenth time we have tried. And please don't be embarrassed to at least try AA. Everyone is there for the same reason and you will find no judgment, they only want what you want, recovery and peace. I have the same problem with my husband, he doesn't have the disease so therefor doesn't understand. I asked him to please look up Al-ANON and at least read some literature if he doesn't want to go to a meeting. I can't explain my dis ease to him because I don't even understand it. I wish you all the best, keep coming back

Sulu1

I do SMART recovery. They have online meetings if you prefer holding on to some anonymity. Might be worth a look, it takes a rather different approach from AA which I find much more scientific and suited to me. But each to their own.
I've read into AVRT as well and quite like the mindfulness approach.

I've even started learning to meditate, I'd have laughed in your face if I'd heard that one a year ago! I'm not the most open minded people in terms of these things but I'm learning and getting there. Switches my brain off for 20 mins at the least.

ReadyAtLast

I use Rational Recovery- AVRT. If you google it you will find a link. It just makes sense to me and helps a lot. Also coming on SR daily and joining the current monthly class helps immensely plus yoga,meditation and reading about mindfulness and 'now'

Tamerua

I sent you a PM, Alli.

It is hard for people who don't have a problem to understand when we know that we do. They can drink and not wake up with the self hatred and shame that we wake up with.... All you can say is that you aren't drinking anymore and if he suggests a bar, say that you are doing something else. It isn't a safe place for you right now.

Keep posting here, there's a lot of wisdom and support here.

gardendiva

There's a great web site for skeptics/freethinkers/nonreligious alcoholics called AA Agnostica. It's the AA approach without the dogma/religion. Tons of info and daily chats.

Independent research and reading has helped me a lot, especially:

Living Sober by Anonymous
How to Stay Sober: Recovery Without Religion by James Christopher
Under the Influence by Milam and Ketchum
The Small Book by Jack Trimpey (Trimpey is my favorite so far.)

AlliH

Thank you for the AA Agnostica information. I did not realize that AA was religious. It wouldn't have been the place for me, but I am going to look into AA Agnostica. How does an AA meeting work?

Dee74

There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players, including but not limited to AA...you'll find links for other recovery methods like SMART, LifeRing, Women for Sobriety, SOS...:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach. You'll find a lot of discussion there too

D

Dee74

Your First AA Meeting<

D

riotboy

Hi Alli,

I'm sorry to hear you had a setback, but I've been through that a few times and I just had to dust myself off and keep trying. Best to not be ashamed.

I don't always quite get the support and understanding I need from "normies." It's important for them to be supportive (in general) but they don't always "understand" things like this, or know what to do.

And it can suck for everyone involved when they wish they knew what to say or do, but don't.

So for some of the people closest to me I'm just glad that they love me and believe in me, but I really do need contact with other people in recovery when it comes to some of the, uh, darker aspects of what it's been like. If you're not sure how to handle something, then do exactly what you're doing and ask for a balanced perspective on what to say to someone!

hardhearts

AA is not really affiliated with any religion but does rely upon the belief of a Higher Power of your own understanding. Many members consider their Higher Power to be AA itself.

$0.02 thrown

Best of luck

AlliH

Oookay, I think I get it. I think I may start to attend some meetings. I'll do anything just to be healthy!!

pupkin

So sorry, AlliH. Totally know how you're feeling. Also understand how the embarrassment of going to a meeting, or revealing your situation to people, or any of those kinds of things can dissuade you from action. If you could have felt yesterday/before what you're feeling today/after. . .well. So many times I've wished I could have turned back the clock.

Forgive yourself without excusing yourself and at least stick close to this forum. As for your fiance, all you can do is be honest with him and clear about what you need. My wife can never truly understand what things are like for me because she's not an alcoholic. But she can understand that what it's like for me is what it's like for me. If that makes any sense. Wishing you the best. Keep checking in.

Weaver

Have you thought about alternatives to AA?

lillyknitting

If he's your fiancé doesn't he know your problem already, for surely, we cannot hide the fact? X