Ritz

Hi, I am new to the forum and not sure where to turn next. I have an elder sister 61 years old who is an alcoholic and her behaviour has continued to get worst. She continuously threatens be with consequences for my 86 year old mother if I don’t entertain her alcoholism. Last bank holiday when i refused to be part of the drunken scenes she causes she went and upset my mother so much that she was rushed into hospital with breathing problems. The kind of things my sister ( who has always been single because of her drinking) demands from me are: I should give up my family and look after her. I should keep her company while she drinks as she has no friends left, I should listen to her ranting of years of bitterness because the way her life is despite the fact she has created this life for herself. Its really difficult too see her or listen to her totally drunk 24X7 every day of the week. She calls me at 06:00 in the morning almost every morning and ruins my day at work. I am frightened if I don’t answer her calls she will carry out her threat and do something to my mother. If anything happened to my mother it would then be on my conscious. She refuses to admit she has an alcohol abuse problem even though she has been alcoholic since around the age of thirty. My Mother continuous to encourage my sister also blaming me for not stopping my sister from drinking. She goes to my sisters house and every time they end up in arguments and I have to go and rescue my mother. Twice the police have had to be called but my mother will not leave my sister alone. My mother tries to control my sisters drinking by finding bottles of Vodka and throwing them away, she nags my sister thinking this will stop her from drinking but its making the situation worse.
Finally now my wife has said that I need to get some help for myself on how to deal with this as its impacting my own family, work and welfare. I need to make choices on weather i give up on my mother as well as my sister.

Needinghelp82

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time with your sister.

Could you look into aa? My husband called them when I was refusing to see how bad my addiction to alcohol had become. He said they were very helpful.

Nonsensical

Sounds like a bad situation. You might want to checkout the Friends and Family of Alcoholics section of the forum. You might receive more practical advice there.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

pcm54

Hi, yeah, what a sad lot you have right now.

I would like to suggest that you and your wife attend a few Al-Anon meetings as soon as possible,. This is a group for people with your problem.

You are right, your sister is emotionally and physically blackmailing you due to her disease. It also sounds as if your mother is enabling her. I went through this same scenario. I got help. You can too.
You are in my prayers.
Chris

Ritz

Thank you all for your response. I am planning to go to the next Al-Anon Family Group meeting. I think in my heart I know the right thing to do but its really difficult to face up to it. My father was also an Alcoholic. I spent the first half of my life dealing with his Alcoholism and nothing really changed till the day he passed away of triple organ failure. My sister is heading down the same road but at 48 I cannot afford to give up the next ten years of my life held ransom to her black mail. My mum is strong willed and wont help the situation. I have asked to come stay with my family and me for a while and spend some time with her grand children but she refuses. If my mum won’t help the situation then its a lonelier road I will have to walk. Thanks

Dee74

I'm sorry Ritz. Sounds like a really tough situation.

If you haven't tried AlAnon I'd certainly read up on it and maybe see if there's a meeting near you? I think you could use the support.

Al-Anon London, UK Meetings List

Naturally, you'll find support here too.

For me?

I think sometimes you just have to walk away from a toxic situation for your own well-being.

If your mother chooses to stay embroiled then, sadly, that's her choice, I think.

D

Spinach

None of its your fault neither your sisters drinking or your mothers relationship with your sister. Remember you can't expect them to change.
Talking about it here or with al anaon will help or even give you a clue into the chaos that is there life.
Good luck.
John.

Ritz

Thank you all for your replies. I have been doing some research this morning to see if there is any last thing I can do to try and help my sister and my mum. Most advice states to try and talk to my sister when she has not had a drink or is calmer. Its also becoming clear that any intervention or re- hab would only happen if there was a period when my sister has not had a drink. My sister drinks 24 X 7. There is no distinction between day and night and she would not even know what day of the week it was or what the year is. Last week she was ranting about the Olympics being held in London this summer and how it would effect her. Two weeks ago I had to get her out of a police cell because she walked out of her house with nothing on in the middle of the day and got arrested. On a previous occasion I had to rescue her when she was being held in an underground station because she was so drunk they would not let her on the platform. She sleeps with a 1 litre bottle of Vodka under her pillow and keeps taking mouthfuls of drink. She keeps more bottles under the bed so she doesn’t really have to move out of her bed to drink. She often wont shower or bath for weeks and my 86 year old mother begs my younger sister to help her give my older sister a bed bath while she is so drunk she is not aware of what’s happening around her. I have begged social services and the her GP to do something but I keep getting told until she does something really serious they can not forcibly intervene. It sounds harsh but I pray every night that my sister will do something that will force the GP and social services to take some kind of action.

least

You're in a tough situation. I suggest you get some support for yourself. You cannot help your sister, as sad as it is to say. She has to want to change and it doesn't sound like she wants to get well.

Anna

This is a very sad situation and I hope that you are able to step back from the chaos and take care of yourself. I hope you can turn the focus back onto yourself and allow your sister to do what she will.

biminiblue

What would happen if you chose not to bail her out the next time she gets in trouble? Would that force the system to take over?

Take care of yourself and the people you live with. Your sister is an adult and she needs to face the consequences of her behavior.

You are important, your peace is important.

Mags1

Hi Ritz, this is a very difficult situation for you and your family. Going to al-anon and reading the posts on here for friends and family will help you.

There seems no way out, but there is and I'm sure you will get the support you need for you and your wife.

Ruby2

This is very sad and must be a great worry to you. What would happen if you didn't bail your sister next time? Because there will always be a next time. Maybe your mother would be upset but at some point enough is enough. Break family habits of rescuing. It is very, very hard to do something that is counter to what we have always done but it gets easier with practice.

My thoughts are with you.

Live

What an entangled, messy situation.

One of the first things I would do would be put up a boundary on the 6am phone calls. I find that outrageous. I would state that I will no longer be taking any calls at that time of day and then never answer them again.
Boundaries are about what we will accept and what we will not.
If need be, from sis's persistence...answer on first ring, hit disconnect then leave phone off hook.
I wouldn't be able to handle the first thing of my day dealing with an alcoholic.
You can put a stop to that much right away.

Ritz

Thank you all for your messages they have been encouraging. I will keep posting on this site to update on how things go in the hope that our experience may help others. The first thing i will say is when you first see signs of alcohol abuse deal with it as soon as possible and get help straight away. The longer you leave getting support the harder it is to deal with.
I have to thank my daughter who at fifteen has decided enough of our family life has been consumed by my eldest sisters drinking and by emotional blackmail from both my mother and sister. It was my daughter who found this site and other useful information for me to look at and insisted I connect with Al-Anon.
My children have always asked why their grandmother and aunty never talk to them or ask how they are or visit them for birthdays or Christmas. We went through a phase where they thought they were to blame. Now they are getting older they are helping me to realise that I have not helped the situation by being allowed to be put in this situation.
I lost my father to Alcohol while I was at University, another of my sisters passed away in her sleep three years ago and both happened in the early hours of the morning ( 5 AM and 6 AM). I always dread the morning calls. I dread the thought that if something did happen to my mother it would be my fault for not helping her deal with my eldest sisters alcohol problem.
If i don’t pamper to my alcoholic sisters need she does crazy things. In the past she has turned up at my wife’s work drunk and caused a scene accusing my wife of splitting our family, she called social services and told them we were abusive parents and the kids should be taken away from us . She has turned up to my children’s school drunk and caused a scene. My eldest sister never got married never had any kids and at 61 she is very bitter with the whole world and I am to blame.
After this weekend I have no choice but to face my own shortcomings and for the sake of my own family I need to move on. My wife and children have made that clear to me. It hurts them to see the stress and sadness in me, it deprives my children of a normal child hood. They have difficulties at school because of their drunk aunty who keeps turning up at their school drunk. We have even been thinking of moving away and not telling my mum and eldest sister where we have moved to. Its an extreme thing to do but we can not live the next five to ten years in the same situation. Thanks

biminiblue

I think that sounds like a really good idea, move away.

I did that - 3500 miles away.

yeahgr8

Hi

Your wife is spot on in that you need to get some help for yourself. Its easy to underplay the effect this chaos has on our lives and especially because because it is coming from relatives. If you could get some counselling for you that would be a great start. I also got some understanding from reading a few books on the subject, its not as rare as you might think!

It took me a while to get myself to a place of understanding and healthy detachment. I still maintain a relationship with my mother but i decided not to continue a relationship with my father, my brother lives in south Africa so i only see him once every few years so its got there (only took 20 years but hey!).

I have a little grandson of 2 and i love him. Ive never really understood love but i know i love him. Another family member said i ought to be careful cutting off a relative as i would not like my grandson to do that to me, my answer to that was if i behaved a fraction as badly as the relative i cut off i would want My grandson to have nothing to do with me and get on with his life and be happy. Thats love, even though i would miss seeing him i dint want to contribute anything to ruining his joy or happiness and would not play games to keep him.

Ps i love my daughter too lol i just thought my grandson was a better example:-)