Supersonic

I often hear that seeking recovery gets harder with every relapse that passes. It's understandable why we would feel this way given the hopelessness that we feel when the drink takes a hold again despite our very best efforts. But effort isn't enough, is it? In fact l don't believe it is the most important thing either. lf It was simply a matter of effort then I think this would be a much quieter place.

I do believe that its a matter of approach, and no little luck. Just wishing the problem will go away, however much we want it to, is likely to fail. We have to make changes, and this forum is a great resource to help with this. Different things work for different people, and I don't think it's quite as simple as finding one particular change that works for you. I'm thinking along the lines of these changes being tactics, and I'm likely to need a fair few of them to reach my goal. If we hit on the right combination of tactics first time then we are luckier than someone who has to have many attempts. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way meaning to diminish the achievement of someone who does manage it first time. l guess I'm just trying to give hope to those, like myself, who are still trying to stay on the path to recovery. And if a previous attempt didn't work, be careful not to throw the baby out with the bathwater and believe that you got it all wrong last time. You might have been doing the right things, just not enough of them, and you need to employ one or two additional tactics this time around.

I'm thinking aloud here, so I hope it makes some sense!

jaynie04

Well put Supersonic. I have realized that I had actually changed the way I thought and responded to situations, especially in the last year or two of active drinking.

For many years I was able to have healthy parameters as far as my behavior went. It wasn't necessarily something I did mindfully, but years of experience had borne out the fact that often putting off immediate gratification yielded much better results. My default had shifted to avoidant, passive, self soothing. Now sober, I am keenly aware of the behaviors that accompanied and accommodated my drinking, and they no longer serve me.

There are so many facets of my personality that alcohol affected. It is not going to be a short stint to unwind them. However, sobriety gives me the luxury to at least be able to examine the task at hand. If nothing else, in the last year I have learned to sit back and say to myself "what's going on?".

Usually, the resistance I feel is indicative of something much deeper.
I think many of us have simply retrained our brains to expect that we will fail, years of drinking and bashing ourselves have to have some sort of diminishing effect on our own self perception. We get used to failing, and actually succeeding feels foreign and weird. I can't tell you what your journey is going to be like, any more than anyone could have told me what my journey would be like.

There are few things in life I am completely sure about. I think knowing with 100% surety that being sober will bring a much more satisfying life for me even if it does get uncomfortable at time…well, that is something I consider precious.

Door #1: Continuing to drink. I know that this will undeniably bring strife and misery.
Not worth it.

Door #2: Vacillating between sobriety and active drinking. A painful place to be. I call it
getting stuck on the bridge. I imagine it as a bridge made of branches strung
over a deep crevasse. Those branches get more brittle and precarious the
longer I get stuck there. It is a gloomy, lonely place to be. Friends might call to
me and reach out hands but I have to take the steps to cross.

Door #3: Sobriety. Not always fun, or glamorous, or easy. But at least I am on the side
of the gaping hole that makes sense. It is the side with green hills in the
distance, and while I may have to trek to get there, I have at least given
myself the potential to find verdant pastures.

To me, this realization made my choice seem prudent. I imagine that when I hit the side that I wanted to be on, I cut the ropes that held up that bridge. Going back is no longer an option.

Supersonic

Thank you Jaynie, l feel like I've been stuck on the bridge for almost five years now. When my head is clearer I'm going to really focus on my 3 or 4 previous relapses and try to understand how and why they happened. And staying positive, those previous weeks of sobriety during previous attempts were enough to give me a glimpse of the life that awaits if I can make it across.

Ruby2

Thinking aloud is helpful to me. You are right that wishing the problem away will not work. "if wishes were horses then beggars could ride."

I found it easier to quit after my last relapse but I know that isn't the case with many people. It was easier because I knew I could do it and I had been sober long enough to learn some basic tools. I just had to find the desire to use them. This time around I am talking about how I am feeling. I call or text people or come here for support. I stay in contact and don't isolate myself.

I go to AA meetings. I am listening better. Before I would always have thoughts swirling in my head and wouldn't focus in the experience of other people. This time I am more tuned in to what other people say.

It is a process and I am learning and changing tactics along the way. I always had what I needed, I just didn't use it.

MIRecovery

For me it was trying things recommended to me by professionals and people with long term sobriety even though I didn't want to

Supersonic

For the month(s) ahead I have only one goal; to stay sober.

- I will not go anywhere near any place that serves alcohol
- If invited, l will make an easy excuse or just not turn up. I will not spend ages trying to think my way out of it, cos there is a danger I'll decide to turn up and not drink and then sucumb when I'm there. This has happened to me before.
- I will eat what I want, when I want. If I gain a few extra pounds, so what? l can deal with it later.
- Excercise can wait. I might go to the gym and spend the whole time in the spa if I feel like it.
- If I feel like treating myself to something then I will (with one obvious exception). My finances can wait for another month, as can becoming the world's greatest husband / dad / brother / son...

In previous failed attempts l think I've tried to change too much too quickly, and after a couple of weeks l've convinced myself that I'm a completely new person. The level of change has proved totally unrealistic and the most important bit gets 'lost' in all the other changes. The bar is too high resulting in unnecessary failures that eventually contribute to my drinking again. Thats my best take on it anyway!