Fallow

I want to ramble a bit about something that has happened to me many times. Its happening again now it seems. I go out and get wasted. Blackout. And wake up full of shame guilt remorse and worry. What did I do? What did I say? Does everyone hate me? On and on. Usually Im too afraid to ask anyone. Over time, I begin to talk to people that were there and find out all is well. Once I am in the clear and I know nobody hates me, Im not going to jail and all is well I feel better. For me feeling better is dangerous. I say ' Oh see! Youre not as bad as you thought you were. Youre not really alcoholic. This recovery stuff is an overreaction!'

Then I eventually pick up until the same thing happens again. Of course my fears are rooted in some of the awful things that I have done in the past while drunk. I expect those things to happen when I blackout. The evil side of me. I was so worried a few months ago after a night out with friends that I asked them about what I was doing. They said we had a great time. I was nice as ever. Scary.

After trying and failing I realize how sick all of this is. Who has to ask about their behavior because they cant remember? Who cant control themself? Who chooses to do the same thing again when they find out the heat is off?

Its unbelievable.

Findingtheway

Fallow. I KNOW what you are talking about.

During my peak years I would call my girlfriend every night...sometime multiple times and rarely remember what the hell I said...the morning after I would be terrified to call/talk to her...what did i say?...sometimes I would be belligerent angry and just a mean son of a...But get this...other times I would profess my undying love and affection for her...Talk about Dr. Jekyll and Mr.Hyde...

I'd become emotionally volatile...and I wouldn't remember it.

But i totally know that feeling...oh they/she dosent hate me...I'm in the clear! Back to the whiskey bottle....

I don't want to live that anymore...she broke my heart one day saying those years she felt so alone...but she stayed because she was afraid for me.

So maybe it's not hate...maybe it's those that care about us just feel sorry or they want to help or they're scared for us.

I don't want to live there again. I don't want to see sadness in my gf's eyes again. I don't want my family to be sick with worry. So I say AWAY with you whiskey I no longer need nor want you!

I'm on day 10. I AM not going back. I AM not drinking today.

Let's stay on the right path.

hez1979

That's totally me... But I'm not out much. I feel the guilt and shame because of my kids.. If I've lost a day to a hangover... Been sick on the floor.... Phoned up colleagues told stupid lies etc.... But when the guilt and shame fades I'm up for the boozing again.
This time I have wrote it all down and posted here... There are no more chances for me. I need sobriety now for me and my family. Nothing majorly bad had happened so far well it has in my eyes but no worse case scenarios... So I'm stopping now before it really is too late xxxx
I wish you well on your journey

Supersonic

I suffer blackouts and can relate to this, and for as long as I continue to drink I will no doubt experience them. Yesterday l came out of one to find a couple of people helping me across the road. They said I'd been staggering around on a busy road. This was some distance from where I had been drinking, and I have no recollection of getting there. l could barely walk so God only knows what could have happened.

Verte

No Fallow, its actually quite believable. I ran out of mental tricks to keep doing this myself. If I had another trick up my sleeve, then I probably would not be here writing to you. I would be out there playing roulette with the my life and the world.

Glad we are here. You are not alone in this.

Dee74

I don't miss that awful feeling knowing *something happened* but not knowing what the hell it was.

I think, just on no more blackouts alone, recovery is well worth it, Fallow

D

desypete

all i can say to you is if you keep on doing this sort of thing you will one day end up in side a prison cell and trying to remember what on earth you did last night trust me on this as i was just the same as you
i would drink over the weekends only so i couldn't be an alcoholic could i ? alcholics drink everyday all day etc
i was only 20 so i was way to young to be an alcoholic wasn't i ?

my only problem was i loved what drink did to me as it gave me conferdence to be the life and soul of the party
but the downside was i would get so drunk that when i woke up the next day i had to try to remember what i had done
sometimes it was a great night out but i would be scared that i had upset someone and i would hide away at home for a while to let things settle down
but sometimes i would wake up and a prison cell for all manner of drunk behavior

unitl i went into aa and found out what an alcoholic is i finaly got answers
i had been to drs psychiatrists even had a spell in a mental hospital at just 21 years of age looking for a cure for my behavior, all i wanted to do was drink and not have any trouble or wake up full of fear what had i done last night
the answer i found was in aa
it all made sense if i pick up a drink it then starts a craving inside my body that wants more and more and i dont have an off switch like my friends have when they have enough thats it they stop but not me i drink on and on so its little wonder if i get angry and i am as drunk as a skunk nasty behavior follows

so for me to wake up in the morning without fear guilt shame or remorse i dont pick up that first drink. simply put i am alergic to alcohol i can not drink the stuff without running the risk of my bad ways its just not safe at all
but there is a hell of a lot more to it than this
aa has those answers for me and i am sure you can find them yourself also
remember it doesnt matter how young you are or how much you drink in terms of drinking each day or giving up in the week to drink at the weekends etc

anyone can stop drinking but not everyone can stay stopped

instant

The great thing about being sober is none of this stuff happens to me now.

Drinking is not worth the drama

Hope2014

I can totally relate- had years of experiences of blacked out nights. Worried, scared, embarrassed the next morning not remembering anything after a certain point, not even getting home.
Eventually your luck will run out. If none of your worst case scenarios have happened, just add the word YET after each one. I continued on the path of destruction long enough that consequences started to add up; relationships, ruined perfect credit, lost respect of friends and loved ones and of course myself. I gained a ton of weight, face was red and bloated, my self confidence was gone-I was circling the drain.
I know those days are behind me. I think I used to black out because I didn't want to deal with my life- the one that I created as a result of letting everything get out of control from drinking. It's much harder to deal with life sober, but my worst day sober is 110% better than my best day drunk.

NotTooSmart

For me it's checking my emails and facebook account, because I was drinking alone. Truly terrifying to find an email (always long) that I wrote with absolutely zero recollection of writing it.

Fallow

Yep stayed sober last night and wouldnt ya know it I remember the whole evening.
Had some fun too.

I agree.. On avoiding blackouts alone staying sober is so worth it. I

ReadyAtLast

Great news on yesterday Fallow.You can do this