LadyM87

So I've been off the booze since March 30, 2014.

I wasn't drinking every day - but was medicating to cope, celebrate, sleep, social, and just basically feel good about myself.

It was a long term habit for about 10 years (from when I was 16 to present) of me dealing with rejection and feelings of inferiority by drowning in booze. It was a social thing - hanging around others who use booze for the same reason. Celebrating birthdays, hoping to meet a guy, checking out a live band - oh there were so many reasons to drink - but that's behind me now - I cannot live like that anymore. I miss it - I don't know why but I do.

I use to reward myself for doing chores and being productive with a night of binge drinking - to the point where in other attempts to get off the booze - I was never motivated to do simple things (housework) without that "reward"...

I used booze to feel better about myself, and now that I don't use booze at all.... I'm sturggling to feel good- it's up and down some days are much much easier than other... .but lately - I've been feeling like I'm hitting a wall ... I'm cranky.... I don't mean to be but I'm easily annoyed and slightly wound up. I still face difficulty "dealing with rejection" (I use quotes because sometimes, I just feel like I'm being rejected when I'm actually not.)
I'm miserable most of the time. But that's not me.

I feel like the booze plays tricks with me - or maybe it's not the booze but whatever it is it's not good. I keep catching my inner monologue telling me if I have just ONE beer after work, I'll be nicer to be around for the sake of my boyfriend who I live with. I won't be soo high strung, it'll just take the edge off.

But I can't and I won't. I won't sacrifice the progress I've made. I'm not sure which came first the chicken or the egg, but I've struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my adult life - and in these booze free months, I've felt more control over my anxiety and the waves are fewer, and less severe. I still feel depressed - but I think that's normal for recovery?

I hate myself today, and I don't know why. I hated the way I looked when I got ready for work (I'm a little vain/insecure... I'm a fancy dresser - and I wear makeup and do my hair - I don't over-do it - but I carry myself well - stylish...) I hated the way I snapped at my boyfriend in the morning for what seemed to me justifiable but I feel like an ass regardless.

I've been feeling this way on off for about a month, and consistently since Friday - the May long weekend here (in Canada) maybe the social events I was missing out on triggered it - why am I hitting this wall? Will this feeling go away? Will I love myself without the booze? Or will I struggle day in day out to just feel not bad - let alone good - I remember feeling good.

It's also just hard being in a relationship with what I'm dealing with- my boyfriend is as supportive as he is able but he is facing his own life changes right now and I deep down inside think we should separate but we love each other - I love our day to day activities (just the little things, breakfast, dinner... our TV shows, just our little banter each morning and evening, backrubs at night time..... ) but I feel like it's unfair to both of us to continue to attempt to maintain this relationship while at the same time trying to focus - and stay sober.... like I hate to burden him - how can I make it up to him?


I know I have this great light deep inside me... I know I can feel good and be better - I'm hoping it's a matter of time but how can I cope in the meantime?

I'm trying to get my act together enough to see my therapist (she's an addiction specialist) but by the time the end of the day hits, I'm exhausted - she's about an hour away oneway - by the time I'd be finished with her and home, it'd be 8 or 9 at night and it's such a deterrent. I'm trying to be active, yet I'm so discouraged... like even just simple little tasks seem sooo daunting... let alone, all the energy involved doing a workout or something.... I need to get better.

I can't stew in self pity forever.... I just feel in the dark. I can't see the light. I've had a headache for like a week now and I just don't know.

any advice?

doggonecarl

Two months awesome. It's also still pretty early in recovery and our emotions tend to be all over the place.

I was very good at making myself feel miserable so I could justify jumping in a bottle and getting drunk. I've since learned that that is just how my addiction worked. With this round of sobriety, I've nurtured a true sense of gratitude for my sobriety that sees me through my rotten thoughts and negative thinking.

LadyM87

Thanks - I've noticed lately some sort of monster putting me down, creating mountains out of molehills - isolating me - to the point where I feel like the only solution is the problem. - good for you. I hope I will feel that gratitude someday soon as well.

doggonecarl

I also found that there is a big difference between just quitting (abstinence from alcohol) and recovery (learning how to live sober w/o alcohol). I had a lot of issues as a drug addict and alcoholic. Those didn't go away when I quit. I had to work on me, had to make a lot of changes to succeed. Massive change.

I don't know what you are or aren't doing for your recovery. But much of what you are going through can be seen as a recovery plan that needs some reinforcing.

Good luck.

Raider

You're doing great

anotherquitter

"any advice?"... Well just one small thing. If you find you are upset with yourself for something you have said or done to someone else, just apologize, immediately or as soon as you can. While it may seem hard to do you will feel better for it and you won't be carrying around that extra burden in your head. Its a great step on the path to humility.

I find that I can see myself building a feeling of resentment when things are not going quite my way and I react to others in ways I shouldn't. I see myself saying or doing something that inside I know is wrong, but still say it anyway. I think recognizing it is the only part of the battle and that stopping it takes much more effort. Early in sobriety I found it easier to slip into a pissy attitude and lash out or try to manipulate others. Thankfully, two years on, those times are now fewer and further apart.

Life is not easy, but we can learn to be more grateful for what we have, to be less egotistical, and to be more honorable in our thoughts and actions.

Good luck in your journey and congrats on your time sober.