Mrrryah1

When "reality" and living in your own skin is the most painful thing you have ever known... When just looking in the mirror invokes deep feelings of disgust, hatred, rage, sickness. When life is truly like that. Every single day, day after day. Then anything and everything which gives you a momentary escape, from reality, from yourself, from life, becomes entirely pleasureful. A sweet escape. Including, but not limited to, intense physical pain and complete oblivion. And inevitably... total self destruction.

anewpage

I could have written that myself

Samsonsworld

My heart goes out to both of you.

airwick

Mrrryah1,

I am very,very,very sorry if you are feeling so sad and lost.

Yet, how you have combined all your emotions/opinions together is expressed so openly and honestly, that I commend you for!

Try to have a wonderful day!

ScottFromWI

We care and we're here to help if you want to accept it Myrrah. You could most likely find some counseling or help locally too, depression is a very common and very treatable affliction. You don't have to feel this way if you don't want to.

SoberLeigh

Your pain, frustration and despair comes through the screen, sweet Mrrryah. I am so sorry that those are your realities. Have you seen your doctor for help?

Drinking will only, ultimately, make all of those feelings worse. The temporary relief drinking provides is just that - temporary; and the relief will quickly become less and less with time.

Mentium

Booze never fixed anything though did it? Temporary oblivion followed by a reality that feels harsher by the day the longer one drinks, requiring yet more booze, resulting in yet more suffering. The spiral is always downwards, deeper and deeper.

Dee74

I'm sorry Myrrrah. I know firsthand how hard it is to feel that way.
Do you have anyone you see for your depression?

D

SoberLeigh

How are you feeling, Mrrryah? Hope much better.

Findingtheway

I'm very sorry you feel this way now...I know those feelings well...but you don't have to stay living in that darkness.

We are all here to help each other. Reach out. Talk to us.

We are your friends. It really is brighter on the other side. We can help you get there...I know I couldn't have got back here alone.



This too shall pass. Please post more.

Aellyce

Mrrryah... I know and understand this inside out. I had periods like that for years, they were usually broken by shorter intervals of "up", and in the end I think I did not even recognize myself how depressed I was. Did crazy things to try to find momentary relief...

You know what was most helpful for me in my worst ever episode? I won't preach that you go see a doctor even though I think that's the best, but I did not do either. What I did was ~similar to what you did here on SR. I wrote things. Wrote messages to people I was in touch with at the time, people that expected things from me that I could not deliver. I told some of these people (one was my work supervisor) that I was somehow unable to do anything and that I needed help. I NEVER in my life asked for help like that before. I think I only dared because we mutually depended on each-other...

The way she took it and helped me for a few months afterward was unbelievable. Then not only this person, but others as well, in smaller ways. It was incredible inspiration for me in a period when I thought I had zero motivation left in me. I'm still sometimes puzzled and ashamed, why they focused on me so much and helped me, when they could have perhaps just got rid of me as well...

Anyhow, so if you don't feel like seeking help from a mental health professional, which I would most recommend... try it with people you have a mutually accountable relationship with in your life.

Other than that, try to do small things daily that are positive. Posting here... dressing up going for a walk... reading something inspiring.... watching nice music videos.... anything that pulls your attention out of that hole.

Aellyce

Watch this movie segment (from 'I am legend'):
I Am Legend - My name is Robert Neville - YouTube

wpainterw

Mrrryah: You have told us very well how you feel. And you know you are depressed. You can do something about those feelings. You need not have them You can seek medical help, since those feelings have a medical cause and are treatable. Many doctors use a combination of anti depressants and cognitive psychiatry. Most of the time it works. So you can do something about the way you feel now. Why not try? What is there to lose by trying? One thing is certain.Since alcohol is a depressant, it will make those feelings worse. It feels like a help at first but you always sink to a lower level. And it interferes with any antidepressants which you happen to be taking. Good luck.

W.

airwick

I watched the segment, and really did not understand what was going on. Could you sort of explain it to me?

Thanks

Aellyce

Yes. Sorry maybe it was too self absorbed. The movie overall is a little silly... about a virus that kills most human beings and saves some but these are turned into destructive creatures that hide in the dark and would also attack whoever are not like them.

This guy, 'Robert Neville' (acted by Will Smith) is one of the last survivors of the disease in NYC in the film. I guess I liked the whole thing because it was released before I moved to NYC myself. I definitely have a weakness for NYC, no matter how and why, I've been living in the city now for >5 years and found my home here. So...

Basically, the 'segment' I linked has him desperate and broadcast that he is there alone (with his dog) and wants to find other people in his desolate world. How I felt in my own crazy alcoholic mindset, and of course I found SR, got sober, but still looking for others.

I also felt hopeless, in my probably limited imagination, I experienced depression... so a person in depression.... I could break it by going out there and seeking others' help.

Hope this explains it a bit, I know these movie (or art) interpretations are always complicated and weird.

Aellyce

Mrrryah1, how are you now (when you read this)?

azbluesgal

Yeah, we all know the feeling. Sometimes I just have a Joe Bonamassa marathon - "Sloe Gin" and "Ball Peen Hammer" work the best full volume (be sure to tick off the neighbor". LOL. Been stressed, depressed, suppressed and regressed for 50 years, but NO MORE. ask me how I've finally found freedom.

SoberLeigh

I watched the movie a couple of years ago; scary but powerful.

megacrankcase

I think most alcoholics suffer from depression. Lord knows I am not immune.

I saw a therapist for a while, and she was the type who does not automatically prescribe medication. We worked with counseling, change of diet, new activities, breathing exercises, etc. It all helped. Even something as simple as drinking more water can make a difference.

I chose not to take meds, and I am glad of it. Not that I think wrong of anyone who makes that choice. Whatever works for you. Definitely talk to a professional and consider all the options.

desypete

i to was always down in my drinking days and i had all the reasons to be that way as i had nothing left my kids gone my ex wife gone my job and business gone my money gone
but i still kept on drinking and feeling so down and depressed
the drink had to go if i was ever going to make a start on beating it
i used to play sad music and have my booze and i was happy doing that in a perverse sort of way
when i had a pc i would go on to all the chat rooms and talk to people or try to hunt for women full of booze as it was easyer doing that than going outside to face people
i would give them my hard luck story of how evil my ex would be which wasnt true but its what i belived would work at the time
i dont do any of this nonsense anymore the drink had to go for me to ever find freedom but the problem was i liked living that way or was to scared to lose that lifestyle
having a pc meant i didnt have to go out only to get more booze etc i could stay at home and do nothing about me