inshallah36

I'm posting under newcomers because although I'm not new at trying to get sober I'm new to this forum. I've been trying to get sober for over a year. I'm 36 and never touched a drop of booze until I was 27 because I was terrified of it (I should have been, both my grandfathers were alcoholics).

I have had some sort of addiction since I was 12 (started with an eating disorder, then it was exercise, codependency, etc.) and I have also suffered from severe depression and anxiety and was diagnosed with ADHD finally about 1 1/2 years ago. The drinking makes all of those things worse but I had them before the drinking.

Through all this somehow I managed to get a Ph.D. from a top 3 school in my field and I moved to the UAE in the Arab World about 5 years ago for my research. I went to rehab in November (I could only afford 2 weeks, no mental health coverage here). I relapsed after about a month. Basically the same thing that always gives me problems. Lack of social connections and not asking for help. I needed support around the holidays but I didn't call my sponsor because she had relatives.

Fastforward to now. I don't know whether to quit my job, which would mean likely forfeiting any chance to continue in academia, so I could go live with my parents and go to rehab or if I should stay here and try to make it work.

I'm not drinking as much as I was before rehab but I'm functioning worse and the medical care here is not good and I have other medical problems.

I haven't given AA a good shot because I'm ashamed to show up after continually relapsing and I don't have much of a support network, but that's what I do to myself everywhere. I don't know how to be in any relationship unless it's professional. And now I've started to slide bigtime there. The only reason I haven't lost my job is because of where i went to school and the fact that I won a research grant which has me teaching less.

Part of me wants to just give up and go to rehab because I hate my life, I hate how I feel, I hate how much I've lost even though I was dysfunctional to begin with, and I have no confidence in my ability to do anything, much less get sober.

In addition, my doctor put me on Klonopin (against my protestations) because I was trying to get off of an antidepressant which has very bad withdrawal symptoms of agitation and so now I'm addicted to that too, at least physically.

I have a good counselor here but I just don't know what to do. I had 6 days sober and then yesterday I drank 3 drinks for no reason and now I feel like absolute **** of course.

I realize none of this makes good sense but basically what I'm asking is should I quit my job and go back to the US or try to make things work without rehab and use the forums and AA?

I'm afraid that I'm running from myself, even though the circumstances here are objectively bad.

I'm just not sure about rehab. The problem is you have to go out into the world. That said, I'm not in good health and I haven't done a good job of things thus far.

Any words of wisdom would be helpful. Btw, inshallah means if god wills it in Arabic.

Dee74

Hi and welcome inshallah36

I'm not sure anyone here can really advise you on what to do.

The only thing that really leaps out at me is if rehab didn't do the job before, why do you think it will now...?

You know as well as I do it's not a magic wand. Do you feel more desperate, more willing to quit and follow through with recovery this time...or is it just option B?

D

Croissant

I'm sorry things aren't going well right now.

If I can say this, you already have said you haven't given a few things a good shot, including AA.

The warning bells for me are giving your job up without a plan...if you hate your life, what happens if this turns into an unemployed drink fest? (Sorry, been there, it gets ugly very quickly.)

Hope2014

I feel for you and wish you well. I know this for me too has been a living hell. It sounds as though shame is keeping you from asking for help. With 6 days of sobriety didn't you start to feel better? I know for me, that is what gave me hope- knowing that if I made it through the day, the next say be would be better. I too slipped and for no good reason but I've started climbing the mountain again and have hope. Take it one day at a time- one hour at a time if you have to. This is a wonderful support group and can help you through the rough patches. It sounds like you are a very accomplished person. Set your mind on recovery and make it your priority. You can do it

LBrain

I do know this... when my place was bidding on a consulting/partnership over there, those of us interested were given a crash course on what it would be like to 'live' in that world. It was to be followed by intensive training on the culture and living - basically being isolated and not being able to do the things you can normally do in the western world. One of the things I liked(?) about it was that alcohol was taboo. But that would lead to secrecy/isolation, risk, etc. It wasn't exactly the UAE but in very close proximity. They wanted to ensure we were psychologically fit to relocate and work there for long stretches. Some can do it, some struggle with it. We didn't get the contract...

If it is affecting you negatively why not take a sabbatical if you can.

If alcohol was a problem before this it would seem that being there could only exacerbate the issue. I can't know your situation, but finding new surroundings may be helpful. How in depth is your counseling? Is it only substance related or does it include whole life counseling as well. I would discuss this with your counselor/adviser.

Good luck. Hope you come through this well.

Ruby2

You are having a tough go and I am sorry for it. It isn't easy. I would not throw in the towel on your job just yet and would try first to make a go at it with what you have now. You said you didn't throw yourself into your recovery methods so maybe now is the time to do that? You said you aren't good at relationships except for professional relationships. Try treating quitting as a job and your support network as coworkers. After all, they are working to get and stay sober too. Above all, call your sponsor. Call when you are having urges or thoughts. Especially at the holidays which is a rough time for almost everyone in recovery. Your sponsor knows that. My mistake my first go 'round was not calling. Not wanting to bother people when they might be busy or otherwise occupied. I relapsed because I didn't reach out when I needed to. Most people who sponsor understand and accept that they may get calls when least expected but they are doing it with that knowledge. They wouldn't otherwise and it helps them to help you. We are all in this together. Hang in there.

Riel

I can certainly relate to this. I've stayed in bad situations for years for exactly this reason. Bad enough that I wouldn't go back to them at gunpoint.

You've driven yourself pretty hard for a long time, with scant reward, and instead of being proud of your accomplishments, you find yourself standing at the threshold of despair, wondering if you should push yourself a little harder.

There are no guarantees, but you've certainly earned the right to make whatever choices you wish to try to get your life on a happier path. Instead of more self-sacrifice, some self-care may be in order.

FreeOwl

what comes up for me is a sense that you may be unwilling to do the really hard work of recovery... perhaps even a strong shred of you is resisting sobriety altogether.

If you don't deal with that and come to terms with acceptance and really commit to sobriety - I have a feeling (based on my own experiences and the stories of many others) that a drastic move like quitting your job and going into rehab will not be any more successful than what you've tried up until now.

Is there any way you could make a commitment to yourself and to another human being or group of human beings that you're going to give a program a real, full, committed shot. AA is a good place to start even if you don't feel it's "for you". It's free, available, filled with experience and people who understand.

Could you commit to going to 90 in 90 and working the steps? Really digging in and doing the hard work to plumb and understand your alcoholic journey and begin to lay the foundations of recovery?

From what I understand of rehab - if you're not ready to say yes to that question, you're not likely to have a lot of long-term success from any program... rehab or not.

If you're worried about blowing up your career and your life - why not give the less-drastic path a real, honest, full-on effort first?

inshallah36

Thank you for the advice and encouragement. The issue is really complicated because of where I live and what I do. I am doing research and writing right now which is isolating in and of itself and I'm in a country which is isolating. Brain you're right on the money, if there were a psych eval or medical test for coming over here I wouldn't be here.

My sister thinks I should keep trying here; my counselor thinks I should go back to the US and go to a longer rehab and put my career second. I still don't know what to do. I'm kind of frozen. I have a hard time going to AA because I'm ashamed of how many times I've failed and it's a small community here. I guess I'm just ashamed of myself entirely.

I'm not even sure if this is what I want to do for a living. But if I quit, I will lose my co-authors unless my parents let me work part time and also do research and I don't see that happening. I tried to kill myself the first year of grad school and I lived with them during a medical leave. They wanted me to get a job quickly.

I can only be insured in the US if I am a resident as I understand it and so I can't take leave; I'd have to quit my job. Part of me wants to get the hell out of here -- I have for years, but I have kept telling myself one more year until I get this publication out or that one and I finally have one that might get me a U.S. job I just have to not fall apart and I don't know that I can do that. I'm going to go to a meeting now; it seems my 6 p.m. call isn't happening.

Hugs to all and thank God for a day sober so far.

FreeOwl

that's a tough bunch of factors.

but listen; almost everyone I've ever met in AA has "failed'. Many have "failed" many times.

The only time you really fail is when you truly want to stop drinking but you choose not to go back out of fear.

I get it.... it sucks to fall down. Sucks even more admitting it and even MORE having to do it multiple times.

But the people there get it - and with all the other factors and pressures - you need and deserve some support.

Head back to the tables and tell them exactly what you told us.

Have you worked the steps? If not, start working them.... get active...

Why did you fall down before? Reflect on that, write down what happened, make a plan for how you'll change this time. Be honest with yourself and the others.

People will understand and will be there to support you when they can see that you're learning, growing, making changes... you can do this.

EndGameNYC

I don't know what the solution is for you, but you've articulated the problem very clearly. It doesn't sound as though there's a safe place for you in any part of your life. Attempting to heal and work through difficult issues while life is coming at us from every direction is not an easy thing to do.

If, as it appears, you feel under attack from the most significant parts of your life, something needs to change.

If it were me, and if there were an opportunity to take advantage of something like a sabbatical, I'd be all over it. You wrote that you have medical problems. Perhaps you can take a medical leave, something that will explain the gap in your CV? If you're looking for permission to leave circumstances that you hate and to work on yourself, then you have every right to do so. Your career can wait; the rest of your life is in a hurry to abandon the sinking ship.

FreeOwl

^ I have to echo that....

having made the decision to set aside "career" in favor of dealing with my personal priorities more than once in life I can tell you - the career will take lots of ups and downs as a matter of course.

your LIFE is what is always there....

and what the hell is a career without a life?

yeahgr8

In AA the solution is working the steps with a sponsor. I did it in 3 months which is considered quite quick, although i was not working so it was easier to go to as many meetings as i like and concentrate on the work. Basically i did not get another job as i wanted to get sober before doing so.

You could go to AA, get a sponsor and work the steps whilst working, people do it all the time.

Personally, if i was in your position and with the choices you have, i would have gone home and gone to rehab then gone to AA and got a sponsor and finished the work there. Why? Because i know a load of guys who were lucky enough to go to good 12 step rehabs for 3 to 6 months and they came out leaps and bounds ahead of me in terms of serenity and directions for a new way go living.

I hope you find sobriety whichever way you go.

Word of warning you may think that making a choice at the moment cuts off a career path, relationship etc. but trust me you will get sober and look back and wonder what you were thinking. Dont get in the trap i got caught in which was putting off rehab or AA because of my career as everything went to sh*t in the end anyway.

SereneEdition

inshallah36 - Welcome to SR. Glad you are here. It's a good community - Please keep posting.

I get the sense from reading your posts that you've framed your situation into an either/or situation, with both choices being costly - neither or which you want to do, and thus you're feeling stuck.

Is there a way that you could take a second look at your options and come up with a third option with less cost? Shifting the focus from deciding to creating options can have a tremendous impact on both impact and how you feel.

Aellyce

Hi inshallah,

I relate to some parts of your story. Have always had some sort of addiction / obsession since 10 but somehow managed to keep my head above water (with great fluctuations in how efficiently), have a good education, and a very interesting and colorful academic career. But a rather unusual route - I changed my research fields several times (although they are all connected through certain areas). Finally very happy with the current one but my satisfaction is only partially due to the actual field - a lot of it is due to having done a lot of soul searching and self work. Ironically, I did a lot of this while being an active alcoholic and of course it would have worked much better with getting sober earlier, but I feel the benefits in many ways regardless.

I think there is a variety of ways career tracks to succeed in academia, don't know what's your discipline and position, but there are also ways to take some time off without having to give it up and introducing a gap into your resume. Could you do, for example, some sort of training in your field, maybe back in the US for a while? Something not super intense so you can have a lot of time to focus on yourself? I know quite a few people in my discipline that had high profile jobs with many responsibilities, managing teams, etc, and they did sabbaticals outside of their country of residence working on something simpler and learning for a while. They usually do about a year. If you had such an opportunity, perhaps you would have the chance to experiment with a variety of recovery methods and find a combo that would work?

I think you are not doing any good to anyone of you feel about your life the way you've described. I've been there myself for a couple years, totally hated everything, including myself - it was the worse "prison" in many ways. I originally moved there with a very specific plan to make it just a short learning period - but got seriously stuck and ended in a downward spiral with my life. I got out of it by getting a new job that also involved a shift in my research focus and moving to a different state. The environmental change can make a big difference but is not enough - my story demonstrates that - I could still not give up drinking for more years because I was not doing the work necessary for it. Maintaining that alcoholic lifestyle while working a demanding and high stress job with many responsibilities was definitely the most difficult thing I'd done in my life, and because of the progressive nature of addiction, I really don't think it's sustainable. If you don't get sober and focus on recovery, most likely you will damage your career anyway. It would probably be much harmless to find a way to focus on yourself for a while as much as you can and then continue your career and life with a much higher efficiency and satisfaction.

I agree with FreeOwl that most careers have lots of ups and downs during the course of our lives. I also think that ultimately personal satisfaction and happiness that's truly meaningful will never come from one thing (eg. a good career alone) but from balance, peace of mind, and constructive activities. It comes from the inside first and then we can infuse our life with it. I really encourage you to do whatever you can to fix you first.

inshallah36

Dear all:
I went to a great meeting last night but I couldn't sleep and it's 10:30 am and I'm sitting here crying when I'm supposed to be writing a paper because I really honestly don't give a f#$J any more. To tell you the truth, academia is not at all what I thought it would be. I have a high IQ but ADHD so the latter didn't mess me up until grad school and didn't get figured out until 2 years ago, so all the interrupting and not shutting up and typos and errors were perceived as deliberate carelessness and rudeness which only makes me feel worse about myself. My natural personality is extroverted, although I isolate myself because I don't like myself at all. I have wondered since my second year of grad school if this was the right career for me -- I wanted to get an MBA out of college but was more worried about what my parents thought, so two years later I entered a Ph.D. program in management. I didn't get the whole game of it so despite the fact I was supposedly the smartest in my cohort (relayed to me as the opinion of the now most successful person in our cohort) I have been pretty much a failure except this latest paper. I find this work isolating and lacking in impact. I also hate teaching for the most part. I'd like to think I could turn my extensive knowledge of Arab Gulf culture into something useful with more of a business background, but mostly I feel I've just wasted most of my life.

I like theories and ideas but I feel like I spend so much time arguing with editors about things that aren't real and writing the same paper over and over that no one will ever read. I envy people who go to work and actually do something real. I have thought of getting an MBA but I'm 36 and not exactly a spring chicken and I know it's not worth getting one unless you get into a top 20 school.

I'm leaning toward going back to the US because I just feel broken.

I'm having my parents look into the specifics of the healthcare situation, but since legally I'm a US citizen but a resident of the UAE for tax purposes, I think I would have to prove I quit my job to get insurance.

We will see. Thanks for all the help.