SoberryHappy

I feel like I know several of you already, I've been reading your posts for over a year. I'm finally ready to start being an active member of this forum, and I can definitely use the support. I'm 33 years old, married, with two small sons ages 1 and 4. I've been drinking on and off since I was around 17 years old. I loved getting drunk from day one.. having just a few was never enough. I drank to get drunk. I blacked out for the first time when I was 20 years old and then I started blacking out regularly, even when I felt like I didn't have "that much" to drink. When I was in my 20’s I was a weekend binge drinker, usually only getting drunk on Friday and Saturday nights when I went out with my friends. I gradually started drinking during the week.. just a night here and there. And of course that escalated to where I was getting drunk every other night. I’d get wasted, be hungover and miserable the next day so I wouldn’t drink, and then feel great on that third day and reward myself with “just one or two glasses of wine” and start the cycle all over. I am tired of being hungover and anxious with my children, they deserve so much better. My husband drinks, too. He’s a heavy drinker but he and I are very different.. he can have a few and stop. He likes getting a buzz and if the booze is gone then he’s okay with it. I, on the other hand, would walk 5 miles in a blizzard to get more wine if I ran out and wasn’t quite drunk enough. I don’t have the “I’m drunk, maybe I should stop drinking” gene. I will drink until I pass out almost every single time. If I drink and I’m not hung over the next day well then I really didn’t quite get the urge out of my system, so I’ll drink that night, too. I only ever want to quit when I’ve had a really heavy night of drinking that results in a horrible hangover. That’s usually when I say NO MORE.

I’ve had several months of sobriety here and there. I never drank when I was pregnant. And I have run two marathons and I was sober for 5 months while I was training for both of them. But of course what was my reward for running each of the marathons? Why getting trashed, of course... b/c that makes perfect sense. I’d give myself a month off to eat and drink whatever I wanted after the races. And that’s where I am now. Ran my last marathon 6 weeks ago and struggling to get back on track now... I have to stop. I really need to accept that I can never drink again, but it’s such a scary idea. I have tried hundreds of time to moderate my drinking and I cannot do it.

My father is an alcoholic and I vividly remember him being drunk when I was young. It scared me to see him out of control. I remember one time when I was getting on the schoolbus he was passed out in our driveway and everyone on the bus saw him and made fun of me. I cannot do that to my children. The idea of my children ever seeing me drunk or knowing that I was drunk sickens me. Today is Day 2 for me. I need to make this time stick.

Dee74

Hi and welcome to posting SoberryHappy

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Mentium

Nice to see you here SoberryHappy! I hope you find this place as helpful as I do!

SuperMario

Hi SoberryHappy. Reading what you said I am the same as you, only giving myself days off from drinking if I'd caused enough damage to feel absolutely awful. If I hadn't quite managed it, there I'd be again the next night, fooling myself that I was ok now. Until the next hangover that left me feeling some days that I was physically going to die.

We're worth, and your wonderful family is worth more than this. Well done on all of is for coming here. We can end this vicious cycle.

apophylite

Welcome soberry, it's a great place for support. I'm like you with young children. My drinking really escalated while I was a stay at home mum. Id be pouring a Pinot by 4pm each day and getting through two bottles before bed. Waking at three with my heart pounding out of my chest and not able to sleep.
My children and husband deserved better. My husband only drinks on special occasions so he always noticed my drinking and hated it. I was either a boring drunk just sitting there glass in hand or shouty and telling him what I thought of him. I'm glad those days are gone.
I was terrified at the thought of not drinking but I'm coming up to seven months sober now and life is better than I ever imagined.
You can do this

ForMeForThem

Welcome SoberryHappy (love your name!). I'm glad you decided to post - that's a great first step to quitting for good. I don't have the "stop drinking gene" in me either - you aren't alone.

LadyinBC

Welcome to SR! You will find so much support here.

I was absolutely terrified having to think about never drinking again. Right now don't look at the forever, all that is required of you today is to get thru today without drinking. And you say the same thing when you get up tomorrow. One day at a time, keep it simple, don't complicate it.

Moderating never worked for me either, I tried and failed countless time.

So glad to see you posting.

Ruby2

Welcome to SR. Hang here for support. If you quit while you were pregnant and while you were training then you know you can do it. It is a matter of accepting that you can do it. You could quit those times because you knew that you could pick up again when you were done. Because it is all about the reward at the end, right? Baby's born, I can go back to drinking. Race is run, I can go back to drinking. I did that with my kids. Didn't drink when I was pregnant. I didn't crave alcohol or have urges. I just did it. I found that I had to work on disconnecting the accomplishment from the reward at the end and that wasn't easy to do but I've managed with practice and support.

I'm not a runner but I imagine that training for a race is a lot like staying sober. We have to condition our bodies and minds for the race with the mind being The most important thing. Come here and post if you are feeling like you are flagging. At the end of the race I see those runners struggling because they are near exhaustion but when they get the encouragement of the crowds they can make it to the finish line. We are the crowd when you need it.

least

Glad you're posting now. There's lots of support and useful info here so take advantage of the site. Read and post, especially if you're tempted. Post instead of drinking.

Hevyn

Good to meet you Soberry. Your story sounds so much like mine.

I also couldn't imagine my life without it. Even though it only brought me misery in the end. I used it for every occasion - I saw it as a way to cope with unwanted emotions. I should have faced things with a clear head, not numb & foggy. All my promises to just have a few once in awhile failed miserably, & I ended up with a ruined life. You don't need it Soberry - you can get free & enjoy your life again.

Stiv

Welcome, glad you joined!

EJ43

Hi SH! You and I are similar! Welcome and keep posting!

Verte

Hello soberryhappy

You are right that there is no better time than now.

Welcome to posting on the forum.

Being a part of this forum helps to take the 'scary' out of staying sober. I'm a mom as well and am determined to be the best I can be for myself and my entire family.

You can do this

SoberryHappy

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I can't tell you how much it means to just not feel so alone in all of this. My husband just does not get it. He agrees that I have a binge drinking problem, but he doesn't understand how internal it is, how it's an emotional addiction, not just a physical one. He says "so when you are buzzed, just stop" and he doesn't understand when I tell him that I don't have that trigger.. my body does not tell me to stop drinking.. EVER. I will drink even in blackout mode, until I pass out.

Today is Day 3 for me.. it feels different this time, good different. I know that my struggles will come tomorrow when I usually allow myself some "midweek relaxation". I can do this, we can do this. And Ruby2, I know you're right about what you wrote. I'm just worried about my motivation now.. if alcohol isn't a reward at the end of a long day/ at the end of a race/ after a bad day/ at weddings, parties…. then how do I reprogram my reward system? I need to find a replacement I guess. I have a VERY addictive personality, struggled with different obsessions and addictions my entire life. My least harmful addiction is exercise and running so I think I'll turn to that one for now

Thanks Everyone, I look forward to more communication with all of you <3

SunriseSky

HI Soberry, Thanks for your post. It really hit home with me - especially the part about the cycle of drunk-hungover/guilty-sober for a couple of days-reward-drunk etc. Regarding your concern about reprogramming your reward system, you may find after a week or so that sobriety is it's own reward. Nothing beats waking up without a hangover - no guilt, no anxiety, no exhaustion - just a great feeling of accomplishment and freedom. Good luck!

SoberryHappy

Thank you SunriseSky! And thank you all that posted, I appreciate it so much.